You are browsing the archive for resentment.

The Cherry on Top. Value Number Three – ACHIEVEMENT

February 20, 2012 in Life, VALUES

From Beth at 'it is what it is'

*Before I begin…is this not the CUTEST idea EVER? answer: YES! Click photo to go to Beths website.

SO…. is any of this Value talk relating?

Is any of this making sense to you? Do you find your sense of independence something that’s VERY important to you? (Do you get upset really easily if you are alone on the regular?) Is the fact that your other half is totally opposite making you CRAZY or is it something that brings you peace? Yes. No? If so… care to SHARE? Why not mosey on down and write a comment? I’d love to hear your thoughts…

Todays VALUE is probably what immediately attracted you to your restaurant man/woman? It was this that creates a sparkle in his/her eye. It’s the OBSESSION, the DRIVE…the “doing what I gotta do” in order to feel this value. Either YOU have it yourself or you enjoy watching someone who has it in abundance.

I’m talking about ACHIEVEMENT.

It’s inevitable. To succeed in the restaurant industry you gotta have DRIVE. You have to have the WILL to keep up with the fast pace. This isn’t a career for those who want to sit all day. (NOT that there is anything wrong with that, ahem, that’s what most 9-5’rs do, including me) It’s most likely this sense of being good with their hands, and quick on their feet. It’s the sense of keeping their “Eye on the Prize” and not letting anything get in their way.

The restaurant moves fast. It’s a very reputation based industry. Always wondering if he/she have ‘what it takes’ to ‘make it’. I have NO idea to what degree they instill this trait (or weed out those who don’t have it) while still in culinary school, but those that leave school and start their first job on the line, learn VERY FAST if they have this trait or not. (and if they don’t, there is NOTHING *wrong* with that,ya hear me?)

We love to be near those that exhibit a sense of achievement.

ACHIEVEMENT is a VALUE that I think we’re either drawn to for ourselves or we find it very attractive in others.

It’s the reason why competition is attractive. Why we gauge our success or failure on how much we ACHIEVE. Who is the strongest/fastest/etc…? *My thoughts go to the Coliseum in Roman times with lions and bulls. The matador that lost, walked out alone and that who won… took home the girl.

Most likely, your restaurant man/woman has a STRONG sense of ACHIEVEMENT. They work hard, they work long hours and they don’t complain about it.

*I recently polled the significant others to see if their other halves ever complained about the long hours, 99% of them, not surprisingly, said NO.

They don’t complain because what’s driving them underneath it all is a strong sense of ACHIEVEMENT.

And you… either have that yourself or are their biggest cheerleader… standing on the sidelines, holding a sign…

You want them to ACHIEVE, to reach the pinnacle in the industry. Whether that’s…

  • owning their own restaurant
  • getting on TV
  • writing a cookbook
  • ALL OF THE ABOVE

Let’s face it. Achievement is SEXY.

Its what makes the books full of reservations, people waiting in line to have their book signed, articles written, and what keeps people glued to who is going to be the next Top Chef. (for example) We all are attracted to it.

*And… we give ourselves permission to CELEBRATE when we ACHIEVE our goals. (See how this is all connected, ladies and gents?)

For a second, I want to talk more in depth, about the two ways in which WE partner with them in achievement.

1. WE have our own goals and dreams that we are working on.

We have our own dreams and it’s conducive to be with someone who is always actively working on theirs. As their partner, you pow wow with them, they relax that you are off, paving the way to the dreams and successes that you want for your OWN life. SO many significant others that I’ve talked with feel this type of relationship helps them feel less guilty, less SELFISH about working on their own goals. Having a partner that is driven to succeed only inspires him/her to work harder and since their other half is never going to complain about the long hours, work involved… this other half feels secured that their wife/girlfriend, boyfriend/husband KNOWS that they are being thought of and will come together again strengthened by what inspires them to ACHIEVE.

2. WE are their biggest FAN.

Maybe you haven’t figured out what IT is that you want to do with your life yet and until you do, you will use the WAVE of their own ACHIEVEMENT to help move your forward and feel inspired. It’s like just being around them and their desire to ACHIEVE allows you to continually feel ‘tapped into’ the energy that accomplishing something brings. Examples of how this shows up in our relationships are

  • Whether we’re alone or with friends, we’ll regularly go to the restaurant to eat to have a chance to see them so they’ll feel our support, whether we’re spending quality time together or not. *EVEN if we know we’ll see them for a minute or two. It’s the thought that counts.
  • We’ll help them with their dreams. If it’s having food they like at home so when they are off and yearning to make something, they’ll have the ingredients at hand.
  • We get the word out – If they have a cooking class, or are in a publication, etc… WE are right there.. telling everyone around us so they will know to support him too. News spreads and you take it upon yourself to get the word out as FAR REACHING as you can.
  • We go out of our way to let them know we support them and their sexy selves in their chef coats or 3 piece suits or cafe aprons…
  • WE voluntarily choose the short end of the stick sometimes – We sometimes put ourselves lower on the priority list when we see how what they’re doing makes them happy. That’s okay sometimes when we see them in the midst of a project and you can see the finish line ahead.

But we gotta be careful of continual SSS = short stick syndrome (I just made that up.. you like it? I do.)

The flip side to valuing ACHIEVEMENT is…

TUNNEL VISION.

Yep. My guess is that par and parcel of wanting to achieve is this sense that that is the ONLY thing that’s to be focused on. It’s so easy for all of us to lose track of our surroundings when we are SO driven to reach our goal. Whether that is our health, our spirituality, our own personal development, our vision for a future family… it can be SO easy to miss out on what we’re missing. It’s like everything else gets blurry and the only thing in focus is that which we want to achieve.

For our restaurant men and women, it’s easy to lose track of whats around them, when they’re dropped in the middle of a speeding bus.. and they are the only one that knows how to steer it, what direction it needs to go, and where the brake pedal is. (Or, are resistant to teach someone else how to steer it OR hand over the steering wheel, which also happens a lot when one values ACHIEVEMENT) And.. if they have close friends in the industry, partners in a project, other restaurant men/women they collaborate with – that sense of achievement multiplies by association and it can be difficult to tear them away from that if they are joined with someone else.

And…you know what prolonged tunnel vision/SSS causes, right? (say it with me now…)

RESENTMENT.

And, I already discussed with you that from my poll I took early on, this is the NUMBER ONE thing most significant others feel. See here and here. (Whether they keep it to themselves or share it is another thing.)

MARK MY WORDS – It inevitably comes out somehow.

Yep. It always goes back to resentment in the end, doesn’t it?

THIS is where BALANCE comes into play… and INDEPENDENCE and any and all other VALUES that speak to you. All these things are like ingredients in a recipe. At different times, the measures might change (like when having children.. we might not have but a pinch of independence but a LOT of balance) –  but we need to include these things and to keep working out when one needs a greater helping at times then at others.

Because you know what – my kindred comrades… if we STAY in RESENTMENT… our relationship is not going to thrive long term and like either a busted oven or a broken timer.. it’s going to end up BURNT AND EDIBLE and we’ll be past the point of wondering what we can do to salvage it.

Caveat: In NO way am I saying it’s realistic to say that resentment can completely be removed. It is what it is. It’s life. Sometimes. we want something and cannot explain or express to another person, to be on the same EXACT page as us, ALL the time. It’s MANAGING that resentment, digging down to the ROOT of what initially caused it, that gives way to a flow of wellness that allows for our relationships to thrive and grow.

SO… to wrap up – Achievement is something that most likely attracted you to your restaurant man/woman. It’s what makes restaurant owners open their second and third restaurant. What allows for collaborators to create restaurant groups. etc… What makes wineries create a new varietal. It’s that knowing that it’s going to get done.. no matter what it takes. We all have that desire to achieve in the fiber of our being… it’s when we can see achievement in action that it reminds us of our potential and sometimes is the impetus to create great things.

How does your own sense of achievement show up in your restaurant relationship? What’s the best part of achievement? What’s the worst?

JOIN US – FREE CALL! Understanding what you VALUE – Thursday, March 8th 8pm EST

Once you sign up, I will send you a list (on the day of the call) of 100+ other potential VALUES you and your restaurant man might find important and we will be discussing all that I’ve shared here and share an opportunity to regularly get together to help each other with our OWN goals and dreams.

* indicates required
 

 

 


Dont listen to what they say, in your case, opposites attract. Value Number Two – BALANCE

February 11, 2012 in Life, VALUES

See-Saw by Tomáš Beránek

 

Here we are again… week two.

FIRST.. So, what did you think? Is INDEPENDENCE something that is high on your VALUES list? Apparently it is for quite a few of you because the FREE call on March 1st is starting to fill up! Let’s keep it going, shall we?

I don’t think you understand how much I want you to GET this as a way of NO LONGER feeling like something is wrong with you or your relationship.

Today we’re talking about what I listed as the second most important VALUE is in a thriving restaurant relationship. It’s something that without… can cause great frustration and resentment to build. Actually… it leaves us mostly feeling alone and doubting ourselves. And for good reason. Why? Because…

You’ve most likely heard that having ‘common or mutual interests’ is a sign of a lasting relationship, right?

Maybe in 9-5’r relationships, do having many things in common come in handy. You’re with each other more, you leave for work at the same time, come home at the same time and go grocery shopping at the same time too. You also have weekends together and can visit your family in one car, most likely. You’ve probably heard (which is why it’s hard to figure out if this relationship works in the beginning) that “Mutual Interests” make a strong relationship.

I remember in the beginning, I believed that too. I really doubted the long lasting-ness of my relationship with my then chef boyfriend because we didn’t have much in common. Oh my gosh, I used to be out to dinner with him (most likely late at night) and would initiate an argument because I thought we had nothing in common (besides food, and I’m not a Foodie). I found myself comparing my relationship to friends in 9-5’r relationships.. and thought that because my boyfriend isn’t available to go to the movies with me on a Friday nite… that that MUST mean that we don’t have anything in common and that HAS to mean this isn’t going to work.

SOUND FAMILIAR? *Ten bucks says it does.

Well, in this type of relationship… it’s USUALLY the things that make you opposite of your restaurant man/woman that brings you BALANCE. Whether we know it or like it or not. (Most likely you don’t even know this… YET.)

Once you are safely rooted in your INDEPENDENCE, can you see these opposites as something of VALUE. Not something that MUST mean that you are not on secure ground.

*Whenever you read/hear/are told that you have to have “Common Interests” in order to have a lasting relationship… I give you PERMISSION to say (out loud too) “Eh, that might be the case for 9-5’r relationships but not in my relationship with my chef/bartender/GM/Sommelier/owner/etc…”

(and then proceed to smile)

It’s not the same. It’s just not.

I’m going to give you two examples… to show you two opposites that my chef husband and I have that if I didn’t understand how they bring us BALANCE.. they would both drive me NUTS. But don’t because I’ve come to understand my values. (okay I’ll admit it, I still have my moments but then I remember they are a part of what I VALUE – and I feel better in a MUCH shorter time than before)

1. BOOK SMART (me) vs. STREET SMART (him) – Case in point… on our 2nd,week long annivizaversary vacation to the beach (I know, I’m lucky), I was SO looking forward to sitting down with a 500 page book, investing intervals of quiet time to just ‘be’ in silence and read. NOPE. It drove him CRAZY that I just wanted to sit quietly, so he was always out on his motorcycle, exploring, which made him very happy. Another example is he is NOT computer savvy much at all… I am sure the management at his company has to know when I’m helping type out and paraphrase something that he wants to say in an evaluation or his quarterly initiatives.

On the other hand…if something with my car, or in the house, brakes down…I would be the one calling a tow to get it fixed but not my husband. He’s outside with the hood up for hours trying to figure out how to fix it, and usually does. Another example… I’m not ashamed to say that I am a HUGE chicken when it comes to driving in the snow, to the contrary, he LOVES it. He should seriously teach classes about how to drive in it. He always wants to take me to an abandoned parking lot in the snow and have me slide around to learn. (To which I say, NO thanks.)

2. I’m a PLANNER and he is SPONTANEOUS – about just about EVERYTHING. Money, plans for the future, what we’re eating tomorrow, etc… People ask me “Well what do you think you’re husband thinks about that (something in the future) and I say “Honestly, I don’t know. When I talk to him in the moment, he seems fine with it.” but I gotta catch him in the moment. *He’s kinda like a dog that way. Shh, don’t tell him I said that. Whereas, I have a VERY hard time being in the moment. Emphasis on VERY.

That’s the thing… his spontaneity I NEED in order to bring me BALANCE. Could you imagine if I was with another planner? (daydreaming….. er, uh, no.) I mean, it would be fun for some time but I think it wouldn’t challenge me to grow. When he calls me at 10pm on a Saturday nite, and I’m in my pj’s, set to stay in for the night and he asks if I want to go out for a beer (which means HE goes out for a beer, I just chat with him and watch him unwind) my initial thought is “ARE YOU CRAZY? It’s 10pm!” but I’ve learned to be a bit more open to those spontaneous moments because of him.

TRUST ME… I can go on.

Maybe it’s not these two examples above.. maybe it’s “I’m an early bird, and he’s a night owl.” (we have that going on too)… WHO KNOWS… but whatever IT is that you find your opposite on.. is MOST LIKELY what brings you two BALANCE and that, my friends is a very important thing to know and to VALUE.

Remember that paper from last time? Hopefully they have the answers to whether you VALUE your independence on them. Go get it and ask yourself this:

  • Because I am a ________________________, and he/she is a _________________________, he/she pushes me to enhance the parts of myself that I would not usually be comfortable with.
  • T/F -When I recognize that my other half is different from me, we usually have more fun and enjoy each others company more.
  • Three benefits I get from my other half NOT being just like me… 1. _______________ 2. ________________ 3. _____________
  • T/F – I see us growing closer because of the things that make us different.

AFFIRMATION: I now embrace our differences as a way of bringing BALANCE to our relationship.

  • AGAIN – let me say… YOU are NOT in a typical type of relationship. It does not have the same rules. If you attempt to follow the rules of those in the SAME type of relationship… you will find that you see what is in YOUR relationship is not working. LIBERATE yourself from thinking it’s the same and REFRAME your experiences to include understanding that it’s your differences that bring you BALANCE.  That is a strong VALUE that will help you thrive in your restaurant relationship.

Please tell me what your thinking… It’s SO important to me that you understand this. Leave a comment below… even if it’s a frustration, I want to know. (*If you’re reading this from FACEBOOK, please do me a humungous favor and leave a comment here vs. on Facebook. Thanks!)

AND FINALLY….

Join us for the FREE CALL, Thursday March 8th at 8pm EST to discuss all these lovely VALUES with me (and the 100+ other Values I’m going to send you before our call) and your fellow significant others who I BET… are feeling exactly the same way you are. Whatever you’re feeling…lets talk about it! Sign up below to join the group!

JOIN US – FREE CALL! Understanding what you VALUE – Thursday, March 8th 8pm EST

* indicates required
 

 

 


On being Married to a Chef with Children

January 30, 2012 in Family, Life

distressed family time

Source: craftsbyamanda.com via Camille on Pinterest

I am almost without words (and that doesn’t happen too often) at how valuable a resource it’s been for me to hear of how other Significant Others are doing it… being married to a chef WITH children. Your insight and wisdom (sprinkled in with a mix of light heartedness and sass) has proven comforting to me as I go forward on my journey to conceive. Thank you.

Today you will hear from another GIFTED writer.. (you ladies need to start writing books!) Reading her words… I almost instantly feel at peace, not so alone and freaked out. I’m pretty sure you will get the same vibe from her… Thank you Sara!!!

The Single Married Mother

We knew we weren’t ready for a baby, but there was, indeed, a blue line, and also, a massive change of heart. There were tears, and fears, and hysterical to-be grandparents.

“You can’t move across the country with our grand baby in your belly!” my mother exclaimed. I was only a few weeks pregnant, and already this baby was changing every plan, for myself, my husband and our respective families. But, we trekked across the plains and mountains, with a jug of homemade ginger honey juice to calm the nausea of the bumpy, bloated ride. There was an initial craze of finding jobs, getting lost in our new North Western city, and surviving the daily freak-out sessions of “What are we doing????”

I remember sitting on the couch one evening as my husband worked the dinner shift, feeling like Dorthy in Oz, dropped from the sky in to a strange and confusing land. You see, I am also a chef. I was used to late nights, late mornings, adrenalin, drinking, being bawdy and brutal to my body. Suddenly, I was sitting on the couch, watching American Idol through tears, because I had no idea how to live this lonely, sedate, pregnant life. I especially did not know how to do it with out my partner, and I was in a panic as to how I was going to do it with a baby in tow.

The first two years were very hard. Initially, I was in baby bliss, and relished the new life as mother. However, about three months in, the doubt and the loneliness began to take it’s toll. Being in a new city, with few people to call “friend” made the situation even harder. I tried a Mom’s group, but soon didn’t want to give up the morning time that I had to be with my husband. No other mother in the group had a partner that worked evenings, so I was still at a loss as to solving the crisis of the long, sad evenings.

Eventually, I decided I had to move closer to family. For me, I just had to be in a familiar place with familiar faces while I tried to figure out this whole new world. Even though I am completely versed in what it means to be a chef, and the demands of following the dream, I found myself fuming at the culture I had once loved. The tension in my marriage pushed us to breaking points, and I was to my wits end, filled with resentment for this life I felt was so unfair.

Some of you have been living the life of a restaurant workers’ partner for some time. Others of you may be like me, suddenly shocked at the difficulty of raising a child while the other parent works the crazy hours expected of a chef, restaurant manager, server or bartender. We have friends and family asking “ How do you manage?”, and “Why don’t they do something else?” as if it were as easy as going to a store and picking a new livelihood off the shelf. We have friends inviting us to couples parties on Saturdays, and in-laws vying for time on the one precious day off. We have ourselves, wondering what we’ve gotten our into and how we are going to manage. Most importantly, we have our children, wanting to know where their other parent is, and why they aren’t home in time for dinner.

Today, I feel like I have come along way in regards to how I handle the circumstances of my life with a restaurant loving spouse. I have stopped fighting the reality so much, and I have pushed myself to expand my mind and my horizons in order to be a better mother and wife. I suppose you could say I have hit my stride, and I have found a way to live my life that I can embrace more fully. Of course, I still have my moments lamenting the demands of my husband’s career, but, miraculously, those times are quite few these days. I am grateful for the opportunity to share my learning with you, as my own greatest comfort has come from meeting other mothers who lift my spirit with their experiences and the knowledge that my situation is not unique.

Your love and commitment to your partner is such a great foundation for a family, and I commend you for that. I hope that these ideas and suggestions inspire you, and that you always remember you aren’t alone in the struggle.

Expand Your Community

 

I cannot stress the importance of this. Even in the case that you have friends and family in close proximity, the opportunity to have a wide range of people (especially other mothers) in your circle will greatly improve your ability to handle the lonely nights, and dateless evenings out.

Unfortunately, family and friends can sometimes disappoint when it comes to helping with your child. There is only so much they can do to “replace” your partner and some may not be as willing to help as much as you had hoped. Expanding your community whether or not you have family that is close or willing to help will be a priceless asset. Some of you may not yet have children and you have already built a system of support for yourself. If you are planning on a bundle of joy, your support should expand even further.

Sometimes, old friends can have a hard time with the transition of your motherhood, and can even be sometimes insensitive to your situation. The good thing about meeting new people is that everyone wants to be liked, and new friends tend to hold back judgments or opinions the way old friends do not. Now, this will take some courage and effort on your part, but I promise, great rewards will follow. Start by looking into your community for Mom groups, play date groups or organizations like La Leches League. I encourage you to start searching these groups out while  you are making your registry or decorating the nursery. Be open to posting for new friends on Craigslist. When I finally bit that bullet, I met one of the most awesome females in my life. She didn’t even have kids, but she could be more compassionate towards me than many of my child- bearing friends. Ask your partner if there are any co-workers who have families, or if anyone of their expansive network have spouses and families.

I have spent some good times with my husbands chef’s wife and son. It has been an enriching relationship, and a great support when I am feeling resentful of the lifestyle.

Make Yourself a Priority

I hear this advice given a lot, and I am guilty of not adhering to it at times. But I can tell you from experience that it is an essential, especially for the lifestyle of a restaurant workers spouse raising children. The better you feel, the more you will be able to handle the stress, the emotions and the frustrations of single married motherhood. Being the partner of a food service worker takes parenting to whole new extremes, and caregivers  tend to put each other last on the list. I encourage you to put yourself first. Schedule a massage. Get a babysitter. Put them to bed early to curl up  with the book you want to read. Be gentle on yourself and reward yourself.

This may require that you follow Tip #1 of expanding your community.

If you are on a tight budget or have limited family to help watch your child consider the following:

  1. Offer to trade babysitting with other parents. Chances are, you also know someone on a tight budget who could use some free kid- free time.
  1. See if anyone would be up for bartering; say, you provide a meal for the family in trade for 3 hours of free sitting. If you don’t cook, think of some  other talent or hobby you have that would be useful to someone else. Can you sew? Are you able to make home repairs or clean house? I have had  a friend watch my child in exchange for picking up a few groceries just so she doesn’t have to go through the hassle of schlepping all three of her kids to the store!
  1. Consider working part-time, even if you don’t have to. The money considering daycare may even out, but the time of feeling like a grown-up, is priceless.

Forget the “Shoulds”’

This may be the most important tip of all, and the one that is a bit more conceptual. Early on, I found myself ruminating on all of the “Should’s”; He “should” be home helping me with bath time, he “should” have better hours, this “should” be more fair, he “should” have holidays off….I “should” be able to handle this better.

In life, there are many more “should’s” than guarantees. It is easy to think that this loneliness is an injustice that we must suffer through. But, it can be something to be celebrated. So, I want you to consider embracing this lifestyle as a lifeline. Consider the couples who are so annoyed and bored with each other after spending every evening together, wrangling the kids, talking about the budget, putting dinner on the table, only to fall  into bed exhausted and longing for intimacy, spontaneity, excitement. I, for one, am banking on not being nearly as bored with my husband as my other married friends, simply because he has less time to annoy me, and I have less time to nag him. Getting to see him lends more excitement to the relationship. During the week, I don’t have to worry that I look like an unsexy slob; he’s not there to see it! I anticipate the time we get to be together, and find myself taking pleasure and having the energy to look good especially for him.

Cultivate an attitude of Acceptance and Appreciation

Yes, this is a hard lifestyle. And there will be times you want to curl up in a ball and say “ Whyyy Meee??” You’ll tell them to quit their job, find something, anything else to do. These are the times that you will hate hearing” Look on the bright side!” You’ll want to slap whoever tells you this.  seriously, take a moment to breathe and reflect on the good things in your life.

Think of how you know that he will be home tonight, where he will be tomorrow, rather than having to go to sleep wondering if he is being ambushed in the mountains of Afghanistan.

Think of those who don’t know where their next meal is going to come from, and that you have a paycheck with your family name on it. Consider that you have met someone your want to share your life with and create a new human being with.

Consider that you will be teaching your children about hard work, commitment and what it is to sacrifice for love and family. Consider acceptance. If you believe in God, have faith that he has brought this to you for a purpose. If you believe in Karma, know that a big measure of love will come your way. If you don’t believe in anything, believe in yourself. There is always hope. There will be bad days, but there will be good days.

And even if your partner were home every evening, it is no guarantee that you would be happier, or that life would be easier.

Sometimes, having a chef as a husband is like adding another kid to the mix.

Teach Your Children Well

One of the things I fear the most is my son asking why Daddy can’t come to his game. Or school recital. There have been days I try to distract myself from the reality of him is not being here to join us on “family” outings. But I have realized that this is not a culture I want to create for my child; “coping” with my partners absence. I am not cold-hearted, but firmly establish that Daddy has to work. It is how we afford the house we live  in and the clothes we buy. It is a fact of life, and even though some kids have both parents on the weekend, many families are of different shapes, sizes and situations. I help him to create friendships, because, really, Mom and Dad are only so much fun.

On Christmas Eve, we have a private party of wrapping Daddy’s presents, talking about the surprises in store for him. I encourage you to get creative. Have an Un-Christmas if your partner has to work the holiday. Create new traditions, and find new meaning in what matters most to you and your partner. Even if it is  something as simple as having cereal for dinner the night before family day, a tradition is a tradition. Security and a sense of belonging is what matters most to your child. Do not conjure feelings of missing out. We are incredibly lucky to live in this nation, in this lifetime, with the riches we have. Teach them to be grateful and lead by example.

Sara Bloomer is a Chef, Mother, Chef’s Wife and Foodie. She is passionate about sustainable food practices, having spent time working on Sallie’s Organic Farm, participating in her neighborhood CSA, and touring local food “hot spots”. While she misses her days working in restaurants, her focus of mothering her son, Basel, has been a welcome reprieve from the stressful life of a line cook. Sara enjoys getting crafty, meeting other mammas, and sitting in breast-feeding circles in the garden. Nature, travel, adventure, and discovery are major themes in her life and she hopes to one day leave it all behind for a year, traveling the country in a food truck with her husband and son.

If you want to read our other takes on what it’s like… read our other lovely ladies words of wisdom

***If you are interested in sharing your take on what it’s like… you know…. email me at info@marriedtoachef.com

 

Connecting…

June 9, 2011 in Life, Relationships

intimacies

Intimacies by Cambiodefractal

 

Doesn’t this picture give you the warm and fuzzies? Doesn’t it make you daydream back to that time, perhaps when you just met or were first dating, when you and your then boyfriend or girlfriend, spent hours (or all day perhaps?) laughing and enjoying being in close proximity to each others physical bodies for a stretch of time? Maybe you were discussing your future, discussing what you want to name your first child, or their first restaurant perhaps. The endorphins, the feeling connected, the glow….

Most likely those moments occurred on a semi- regular basis… despite his long hours and cold pillow on the other side of the bed when you went to sleep at night. You found yourself craving these intimate moments as a part of your week, a way of not just physically and sexually checking in but to emotionally connect. Thus began your investigation into the growing feelings you had for your man (or woman), your future, and your decision that this person who you are now sharing not just your bed with, but your life with, is to be your partner, your mate.

There are, I bet’cha, at any given time, a handful of these moments burned into your mind. Let’s give them a moment of silence as we let them flood our minds…..

Very Nice.

So, It is no wonder that most of us have (I’d predict 90% of us), at one point or another deal with the separation anxiety (and frustration) that settling into a routine, that usually involves passing through the night (and weekend) typically brings. It’s these times when we aren’t connecting, whether it be physically (and by that I mean sexually) or emotionally, that can create great stress in a relationship. Days or weeks of  both literal and emotional “dry spells” when one day you realize that  besides not connecting sexually, you haven’t sat down to have a conversation with your restaurant man/woman (face to face), haven’t shared a meal or the time to share a long and lingering kiss that you might begin to question what the heck is going on.

If this is something you are going thru – I assure you, you are NOT the only one.

I have received quite a handful of messages from you that this is one constant source of tension and anxiety. It stirs our deepest, inner fears of being desired (wanted) and is always poking at our worthiness. It’s one topic that is in our undertone of most everything we watch, it’s the purpose of many media publications, and it’s the plot of so many movies.. it’s how we look at ourselves in the mirror when we’re buying clothes. With this constant invasion of our souls desire to feel free and untethered.. it’s a daily reminder when we find ourselves in the ‘day in and day out’ of passing through the night, just how much we might not be keeping up with the expectations put upon us from outside sources.

It’s challenging to say the least, when he or she gets home, you’re sleeping and when you wake up they are sleeping. This isn’t just an physical need.. (okay sometimes it is) but more than that..it’s a desire to connect. It’s the yearning to be seen, to be heard… a moment when your partner looks in your eyes and says, “you matter to me.” When we sense the distance that being in this type of relationship brings, it pulls on us and in the end, we take it as a lack on either ourselves or our partners parts. Usually “What’s wrong with me?  What’s wrong with him/her or.. What’s wrong with us?” are regular statements in our minds. It’s EASY to see how this quandry.. this stirring to know WHY we aren’t connecting will do a doosy on the foundation of any relationship.

Here’s the thing my lovelies… How can you expect to have the same sort of regular connection when the parameters of your loves work legitimately keep him or her away when most people are available. Part of the ‘Pain’ of being in the restaurant industry is what your experiencing. When they get off of work, they just gave their energy, their time and perhaps their body to their craft. I’m sure you can attest your other halfs passion to their job as almost mad scientist-esque. Working tirelessly to answer the questions that he or she have burning in their minds, only to stop when physical fatigue or what they’ve been working on has been solved.

I assure you it’s not that you’re not important.. that they don’t see you there, it’s the midnight oil burning in their heart that sometimes (okay most of the time) creates short sighted moments in your other half.

Here’s the thing… there is something YOU can do. Right here and right now.

For we, the tribe of the other halves, it STARTS with us. An awareness. And this time.. this awareness is about unlearning the ways in which we do not meet up to expectations compared to others that are not on this schedule and situation, it’s about learning about what Intimacy really is to you, what it feels like and when to recognize it as a way of feeding the need to connect.

So I ask, What is intimacy to you?

I can only say for me, that it’s those moments when I do see and spend time with my husband.. Intimacy is when we smile and joke around with each other, our inside jokes and pranks that most who hear or see them, have no idea what we’re up to. It’s putting a cup of coffee on his nightstand as I leave for work, only to cool down enough by the time he wakes (usually) … it’s the messages he sends me on my blackberry messenger mid-day, that he’s thinking of me and he loves me (we communicate during the day via messenger because he’s not able to get out of the kitchen (or off the line) long enough) It’s Sundays when he’s off, going to Home Depot together and shopping for our new grill and outdoor furniture, laughing and bickering the whole way (we’re bickerers by nature). It’s the Monday nite dinner and a movie that we both look forward to, that have become sacred – sitting together on the couch with our bodies close, that I know I am loved.

When I find myself asking those same questions (and I do) “What’s wrong with me?” What’s wrong with us?”,  I attempt to remember all those really beautiful moments that I do consider intimate, those moments when my husband looks over at me from his truck, from wherever we’re going to, and I can tell by the way he’s looking over at me.. that he really loves me. In that moment I feel seen… I feel heard… I feel exposed and vulnerable and open to whatever is next on our journey. True, it’s not what everyone else has… regular nite romps in the hay, but in some ways.. what I have is more.

How can you find those intimate moments with your love, appreciate and remember them when you find yourself asking those questions.. “What’s wrong with us?”  I feel I would be of no help to offer some Sex Tips (you can find enough of those in Cosmopolitan magazine) as I am still working out this topic as you are, but I can offer a reminder of what you DO have…

You DO have the freedom to pursue your own dreams, without the guilt of always needing to be available when most 9-5’rs are, you DO have the first row seat to watching someone fully present in their passion, you DO have back stage access to that world that most people have NO idea about. You DO have an occasional VIP pass when you step out to a new restaurant or gastropub.. You hopefully DO know the value that you bring to their life, if no other way than how you bring balance and grounding to them, the one who keeps them tethered to the ground. Yes, you have a handful of things that might be considered the ‘PAIN’ of your relationship.. and one of them involves some creative scheduling (wink wink)… but the feeling and the emotion BEHIND that sort of connecting… you receive in SO many other ways…

What are some of yours?

Resentment: Part Deux!!

May 7, 2011 in Life, Relationships

Beauty of the Arguement by Eweliyi

Okay so…. How’s it going? How successful have you been in catching yourself IN THE MOMENT when you are feeling resentment with your restaurant man or woman?

(HOPEFULLY YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT LOOKING LIKE THIS PICTURE.. BUT THEN AGAIN – MAYBE IT IS.) either way, it’s okay.

To recap, when we are feeling resentful about our restaurant man or woman not being available, attentive or present in our relationship; we tell ourselves a message, it usually sounds a bit like:

  • “Why do I have the be the one that does everything (around the house/with the kids/with the finances)… I swear he thinks his job is just TOO important to help out”
  • “Why does she think that she’ll automatically get a ‘pass’ from keeping up their end of the relationship because they work longer hours, doesn’t he/she see how hard I work too?”
  • “He’s the chef… why is he asking ME to cook for him on his day off?”

Oh yea, I know at one point or another (or everyday)  you’ve said something like this to yourself, your sister or your best friend.  (perhaps even, a random stranger you sit next to on the bus?)

Trust me, we’ve ALL been there. Every single one of us.  More on this in Part II. Keep reading.

Follow me, that message you tell yourself has a root (picture a flower in the ground) the message is the stem.. and the root is where the stem (I mean the message) comes from. It grows from an experience (or story) you’ve had that threw you off, had you scratching your head,  shedding a tear, or even worse… on the ground with a scraped knee. The scar from that experience (or root) is what FEEDS your stem (the message you tell yourself) to produce your current experience (the petals, pollen and all!).

How’s your petals looking these days? In full bloom or wilting over with sadness and loneliness and resentment? The trick is to figure out…

    WHERE did that root story/experience come from?

    I know.. it’s not ‘easy’ to do. The story (or the root) has you feeling scared, and is most likely tender to the touch. Just the thought of where it is, has you in system shutdown mode. And, when you DO get to a place where you are comfortable searching for it, or your feeling like it’s healed enough to touch it, LIFE changes and you’ve got more evidence that will create another message. After a while, you have quite a few messages going on at one time, that it’s challenging to figure out how to just “GET HAPPY”. I mean, HOW did this even happen?  Right?

Whether you’re Married to a Chef/Owner/Bartender, or a fellow 9-5’r… these feelings are the same. We ALL had these experiences that created a message that feeds our current experience.

WHAT would happen if I told you that the sooner you understood where the root story comes from, where these messages you instantly tell yourself, come from, that you could unlock some of the resentment that has you spinning. With a little decoding.. you could soon understand WHY your feelings of resentment run SO DEEP.  (Answer: because they’re not just happening NOW, in the present, but these feelings are triggering you to re-experience the ROOT of where this feeling began. I know, it’s mind blowing to me as well.)

    Here’s where Part II comes in. Ya ready?

    Part two is merely to GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK, WILL YA?

    Yep, Part two is YOU giving yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. IT’S OKAY! You are not some hunchback monster because you’re feeling this way – HARDLY! It’s part of life.  (I have to laugh because what I’m writing about.. is something that I need to work on as well. Remember, might be a Life Coach but doesn’t mean I have it all figured out! nope.)

    I mean let me ask you something… and let’s get REAL.

    WHO do you know.. when you really got down to it… Didn’t have something they struggled with?

    I don’t have to dig deep into this question to know the answer. EVERYONE has something their dealing with right now. Why? Because it’s PART of this over the shoulder boulder holder thing we called LIFE.

    I would venture to say that almost 1/3 of your resentment is the fact that you DON’T UNDERSTAND why you’re always feeling this way!! IT’S OKAY, YOU HEAR ME? It’s okay that you don’t have it figured out, that you are feeling angry and wanting to spit every time your boyfriend or girlfriend throws their chef clothes on the floor that YOU just cleaned! It’s OKAY that you need to give yourself a Time Out when you find yourself with the chore of doing the dishes again (I mean I am not the official dishwasher!) It’s OKAY!!  Take that time out!

Give yourself PERMISSION to feel angry. I know it goes against everything your mama told you about being a “good girl” or being “proper”. Still.  Let me ask you, is being either one of those things going to magically make your feeling resentful go away? NO.

What would it take to just give yourself a BREAK for once, huh?

I know it’s hard to give yourself permission to feel the way you’re feeling… no WONDER why we’re feeling so angry and so much resentment.. part of us is fighting OURSELVES! Fighting to ‘keep it together well enough to appear what I personally think is the TRUE root of ALL of this… NORMAL.” (rolling eyes)

So tell me, what can you do that will give yourself a break? Going for a walk, hitting a Zumba class, singing at the top of your lungs, cleaning your house, ironing your clothes, getting a massage? writing in your journal/on your blog? Whatever it is.. DO IT. You’re not crazy for feeling this way. It doesn’t mean your a bad girlfriend or wife…

    So until next time, GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to feel how you’re feeling. Your only assignment is to take yourself OFF the hook. When you’re up to it… work on figuring out where the ROOT STORY comes from and how that story FEEDS the message you tell yourself when you are feeling like a red zone case. And until then… GIVE YOURSELF A FREE PASS.

I give you permission to sit on the couch, DON’T do the dishes, and stew until you don’t feel that way anymore….Now will you?