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It’s time. – PART ONE

February 7, 2013 in Coping, Everybody Else, Expectations, Favorites, Fears, Life, Restaurant Industry

before you dive in, read here.

I’ve been trying to avoid this post, but it seems I can no longer ‘look away’. It has become GLARINGLY obvious that something needs to be said and any amount of trying to be positive isn’t going to make it better.

I want relief. I KNOW you want relief, so here we go. I’m going to attempt to make this short and sweet, so you can hopefully feel better, faster.

It’s time. We can not ignore this any longer.

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

  • You’re NOT crazy for thinking he or she is selfish sometimes.
  • You’re NOT crazy for thinking their priorities are out of whack.
  • You are NOT crazy for the moments you think that the restaurant is more important than you and your family.
  • You are NOT crazy for the moments you think they need to grow up.
  • You are NOT crazy when you feel sad and angry that you’re the only one who seems interested in what comes next in your lives.
  • You are NOT crazy in those moments when you are considering why you got yourself into this type of relationship in the first place.
  • You are NOT crazy when you are pissed off because it seems you are the only one concerned about your children.
  • You are NOT crazy when they leave the house a MESS, like they don’t even see it there, day after day.
  • You are NOT crazy to wonder if they think of anything but themselves.
  • You’re NOT crazy if you think the ONLY reason why they’re still with you is so you can take care of them.
  • You are NOT crazy when you have to remind them OVER AND OVER AGAIN to do one thing.
  • You’re NOT crazy if you think their friends might not be the best influences.
  • You are NOT crazy when you’re infuriated that they, YET AGAIN, didn’t tell you when they were getting off, and you wake up panicking about where they are in the middle of the night.  *and then come to find out that they just “had their phone off”.
  • You are NOT crazy when you feel crazy that you are the only one upset.
  • You are NOT crazy when you are attempting to save money for the future, and they think if they see it there, they can spend it.
  • You are NOT crazy that their family thinks their The Golden Child, which makes you feel even more crazy that you do experience what you do. Talk about second guessing yourself.
  • You are NOT crazy when all you want is a day alone, with your other half.
  • You are NOT crazy when you feel SO SAD that you are alone/ not with your other half on a holiday or your birthday. When you see your friends out celebrating with their love, and you’re not.
  • You are NOT crazy for thinking you are not sure you can deal with this the rest of your life.
  • You are NOT crazy for being uncomfortable with how often they go out for a drink after service.
  • You are NOT crazy when you have your weekly plans set, and because they haven’t told you when they’re working (open/mid/close), and are suddenly available, they want you to drop your plans to spend time with them.
  • You are NOT crazy when you think that their co-worker is strangely “too close for comfort” to your other half.
  • You are NOT crazy for getting frustrated when people tell you “How Cool” it is that you’re married to a chef. You want to yell at them and say “NO! It’s NOT what you think!”
  • You are NOT crazy for never quite knowing when you can plan your vacation but when THEY want to do something, they always make it happen.
  • You are NOT crazy that they do something SO nice one day that it makes you doubt your initial feeling crazy, and then, a few days later, it returns back to their regularly scheduled routine and you then doubt yourself that you doubted yourself initially.
  • You’re NOT crazy when your restaurant man/woman reads this and suggests you stop reading these posts.
  • (This one is for me) You’re NOT crazy that the industry does NOT want anyone on the outside to know just how hard it is to be married into the industry, that sharing that might somehow jeopardize the glamorous image that it’s worked SO hard to keep up. You’re NOT crazy for getting serious resistance from those who work night and day to keep the dream alive.

You hear me… YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.

Go ahead and give yourself PERMISSION to not feel crazy. You’re NOT.

Whenever you need a reminder, come to THIS post.

Really… let hearing that you are NOT crazy SINK into your bones.

Give yourself a BREAK today. Okay?

And when you’re READY, REALLY ready…

READ PART TWO.

TELL US IN THE COMMENTS – What else are you NOT CRAZY for/about?

 

 

 

 

New Year! Time to CELEBRATE?

January 5, 2012 in Celebrate!, Life

boost your esteem by Liz

 

YOU DID IT! You made it through another year! CONGRATS!!!

Take a bow….. (no really, get up and take a bow. Do it. I’lll wait.)

I’d like to start out by asking you all a question, a non ‘I married into the restaurant industry’ question. (If I may…)

How do you CELEBRATE when life brings you something yummy?

Celebrate? WHAT? What’s that? I don’t have time to celebrate!

If any of the answers above sound familiar… you’re not alone.

With all the buzz of New Years Eve just behind us… the topic of how we celebrate has come up and I decided what better time to discuss celebration and it’s effects to our overall health and happiness.   

SO many of us work SO hard to ‘BE’ the person we think we should be, who our parents want us to be, our restaurant man/woman… even our society, that I am not sure we are even in touch with what it means to celebrate. We work on our goals, and when the new year comes around again, we set up new goals (or revive old ones) in an effort to keep achieving.

But what about celebrating?

The dictionary defines ‘to Celebrate’= to proclaim, to make known publicly, to praise widely or to present to widespread and favorable public notice…. AN UNINHIBITED GOOD TIME.

As your unofficial coach, It doesn’t feel right to put parameters on what celebrating looks like, or a list of what you should or shouldn’t do when celebrating.

I purely want to bring the topic to the surface.

I always ask my clients “How do you celebrate that?”… and inevitably, the answer usually stumps them.

It’s actually become an important part of my practice.

We don’t know HOW to celebrate, or more importantly…What it even looks like when we decide we want to.

A little bit, if you don’t already know about me. My birthday is on New Years Eve. I LOVE my birthday and I’ve just realized why.

It’s one of a handful of days when we give ourselves PERMISSION to celebrate.

*Okay, there are plenty of those out there who are anti-New Years Eve, who take a more “It’s just another day” kinda stance and for that I TOTALLY respect you.

But for me.. I LOVE the energy buzzing around me all day, people are getting ready to get dressed up, have people over, or settle in for a night at home. Either way… there is this electricity in the air that I love. *On top of the multiple happy birthday phone calls, texts, emails and Facebook messages that I receive that just keeps the energy flowing…

I’ve been to Times Square for New Years Eve. My 20th and my 21st birthday. The only way to define it is ELECTRIFYING. All these people, in such a small space, with one aim…

… to RING IN the new year.

Talk about celebration!

But what about the everyday reasons to celebrate?

What about celebrating just for the sake of celebrating?

How do we even begin to wrap our heads around HOW to celebrate?

It’s something I’ve been giving a LOT of thought too this past year, I want to share with you my OWN thoughts on why we have trouble celebrating and how to begin reframing the way we think about it.  

Myth: We think that celebrating occurs only on special occasions. (Think New Years Eve or your birthday)
Thought: We’re worried about what everyone ELSE would think of us, that what if we celebrated with more regularity… “‘They’ll’ think I’m weird if I celebrate.” So we’ve built in these occasions that we don’t have to worry about that so much, so we can ‘let down our hair’… to appear “normal” (a word I detest!) BUT…What if celebrations were a part of ALL of our everyday lives? How would that change things if we KNEW everyone was doing it?

Myth: Celebrating means doing something BIG and over the top (Think Times Square in NYC or a HUGE themed birthday party), or LOTS of investment (time, energy… money?).
Thought: What if celebrating only took 3 seconds. No really… 3 seconds, and NOONE else knew you were celebrating but YOU. Keep reading.

Myth: You only celebrate once you reach your goals. (BIG ONE… most of us feel this way about celebrating)
Thought: How would it change things if we thought of celebrating WHILE reaching our goals is like stopping for a break of water while running a race? Would we feel like we could give ourselves permission then? If it was something necessary for us to even reach our goal?

Myth:  Only selfish (or rich) people constantly celebrate.
Thought: Again, it’s about permission. If I were rich or self-absorbed… then it would be OKAY for me to celebrate. (A “Shoot, if I was rich and all my “problems” were gone, I’d FINALLY have a reason to celebrate!” mentality. – sound familiar?) What if we dared ourselves to think that WE TOO, deserve to celebrate too!?

Myth:  Celebrating doesn’t change the situation I’m in.
Thought: Okay… but what if it TEMPORARILY gives you RELIEF from your situation? Would it be okay then?  and even before that (here comes a virtual slap… you ready?)

What evidence do you have that it won’t change your situation?

Most likely… you don’t have any evidence. 

What if you gave it a try, a REAL hearty try for a week and see if you can find some evidence? 

*Consider this your New Years Resolution. Hey, at least I’m not asking you to take anything away, like on a diet. I’m asking you to ADD to your life, something that MIGHT (you do not currently know) change your whole day. (Basically… I double dog dare ya.)

Okay, Okay… I give! I’ll try it for a week if you’ll give me some ideas on how to celebrate.

I thought you’d never ask! Now comes the fun part!!! Here are just a handful of PRACTICAL ideas (for me, they gotta be practical, easy to do things in order for me to make them a new habit) to consider… AND… I’ll make them only 3 seconds long and if chosen, YOU will be the only one who knows you’re celebrating.

Ready?

  • Every morning, after taking that first sip of coffee, tea, Diet Coke, etc… close your eyes and look up… SAY out loud (or in your head)….BLISS.
  • When you get an email/text/FB message from a friend (or someone you are excited to hear from) – SAY out loud or in your head… I’M IMPORTANT!!!
  • If you realize you’re having a good hair day, or our outfit looks good – look in the mirror and pretend, for 3 seconds.. that a photographer is taking a few pics of you…  SMILE FOR THE CAMERA!
  • When 5 o’clock hits and you’re shutting off your 9-5 computer…. pretend you’re at the end of a performance and, in front of your computer…. TAKE A BOW!!
  • When you hear something ANYTHING that makes you happy – do one of three things: 1. say AMEN!! 2. Do a twirl 3. put your hands in the air and say YEA!
  • Stop what you’re doing, for 3 seconds, look at something that makes you happy and SMILE.
  • After yet ANOTHER day of handling SO much; taking care of the kiddos, the 9-5, running to the grocery, hitting the gym, paying the bills, patience with the restaurant man/woman… for 3 seconds say WHATEVER comes to your mind… with conviction… with PRIDE!  *Yes, even if it’s F^&K!!! My recommendations are : I DID IT! I ROCK! ONE DAY DOWN! I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING!!!
  • Before going to bed, straighten all the sheets and blankets out before you get into it. Then Jump in!

Finally, celebrating isn’t about having a BIG moment. For my birthday, everyone asked me how I’m celebrating. I went out to lunch with one girlfriend, a movie with another girlfriend and then head home for an evening with myself (as most of you also were solo that night too), my kitty girl, and the energy that my friends and family are thinking of me today, that so many people ARE giving themselves permission to celebrate, and that I have so much to be grateful for. THAT ALONE.. filled me up with a sense of peaceful energy that actually being in Time Square could match. CELEBRATION.

So let me ask you….

How willing are you to give yourself permission to celebrate more in your everyday life?

Resentment: Part Deux!!

May 7, 2011 in Life, Relationships

Beauty of the Arguement by Eweliyi

Okay so…. How’s it going? How successful have you been in catching yourself IN THE MOMENT when you are feeling resentment with your restaurant man or woman?

(HOPEFULLY YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT LOOKING LIKE THIS PICTURE.. BUT THEN AGAIN – MAYBE IT IS.) either way, it’s okay.

To recap, when we are feeling resentful about our restaurant man or woman not being available, attentive or present in our relationship; we tell ourselves a message, it usually sounds a bit like:

  • “Why do I have the be the one that does everything (around the house/with the kids/with the finances)… I swear he thinks his job is just TOO important to help out”
  • “Why does she think that she’ll automatically get a ‘pass’ from keeping up their end of the relationship because they work longer hours, doesn’t he/she see how hard I work too?”
  • “He’s the chef… why is he asking ME to cook for him on his day off?”

Oh yea, I know at one point or another (or everyday)  you’ve said something like this to yourself, your sister or your best friend.  (perhaps even, a random stranger you sit next to on the bus?)

Trust me, we’ve ALL been there. Every single one of us.  More on this in Part II. Keep reading.

Follow me, that message you tell yourself has a root (picture a flower in the ground) the message is the stem.. and the root is where the stem (I mean the message) comes from. It grows from an experience (or story) you’ve had that threw you off, had you scratching your head,  shedding a tear, or even worse… on the ground with a scraped knee. The scar from that experience (or root) is what FEEDS your stem (the message you tell yourself) to produce your current experience (the petals, pollen and all!).

How’s your petals looking these days? In full bloom or wilting over with sadness and loneliness and resentment? The trick is to figure out…

    WHERE did that root story/experience come from?

    I know.. it’s not ‘easy’ to do. The story (or the root) has you feeling scared, and is most likely tender to the touch. Just the thought of where it is, has you in system shutdown mode. And, when you DO get to a place where you are comfortable searching for it, or your feeling like it’s healed enough to touch it, LIFE changes and you’ve got more evidence that will create another message. After a while, you have quite a few messages going on at one time, that it’s challenging to figure out how to just “GET HAPPY”. I mean, HOW did this even happen?  Right?

Whether you’re Married to a Chef/Owner/Bartender, or a fellow 9-5’r… these feelings are the same. We ALL had these experiences that created a message that feeds our current experience.

WHAT would happen if I told you that the sooner you understood where the root story comes from, where these messages you instantly tell yourself, come from, that you could unlock some of the resentment that has you spinning. With a little decoding.. you could soon understand WHY your feelings of resentment run SO DEEP.  (Answer: because they’re not just happening NOW, in the present, but these feelings are triggering you to re-experience the ROOT of where this feeling began. I know, it’s mind blowing to me as well.)

    Here’s where Part II comes in. Ya ready?

    Part two is merely to GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK, WILL YA?

    Yep, Part two is YOU giving yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. IT’S OKAY! You are not some hunchback monster because you’re feeling this way – HARDLY! It’s part of life.  (I have to laugh because what I’m writing about.. is something that I need to work on as well. Remember, might be a Life Coach but doesn’t mean I have it all figured out! nope.)

    I mean let me ask you something… and let’s get REAL.

    WHO do you know.. when you really got down to it… Didn’t have something they struggled with?

    I don’t have to dig deep into this question to know the answer. EVERYONE has something their dealing with right now. Why? Because it’s PART of this over the shoulder boulder holder thing we called LIFE.

    I would venture to say that almost 1/3 of your resentment is the fact that you DON’T UNDERSTAND why you’re always feeling this way!! IT’S OKAY, YOU HEAR ME? It’s okay that you don’t have it figured out, that you are feeling angry and wanting to spit every time your boyfriend or girlfriend throws their chef clothes on the floor that YOU just cleaned! It’s OKAY that you need to give yourself a Time Out when you find yourself with the chore of doing the dishes again (I mean I am not the official dishwasher!) It’s OKAY!!  Take that time out!

Give yourself PERMISSION to feel angry. I know it goes against everything your mama told you about being a “good girl” or being “proper”. Still.  Let me ask you, is being either one of those things going to magically make your feeling resentful go away? NO.

What would it take to just give yourself a BREAK for once, huh?

I know it’s hard to give yourself permission to feel the way you’re feeling… no WONDER why we’re feeling so angry and so much resentment.. part of us is fighting OURSELVES! Fighting to ‘keep it together well enough to appear what I personally think is the TRUE root of ALL of this… NORMAL.” (rolling eyes)

So tell me, what can you do that will give yourself a break? Going for a walk, hitting a Zumba class, singing at the top of your lungs, cleaning your house, ironing your clothes, getting a massage? writing in your journal/on your blog? Whatever it is.. DO IT. You’re not crazy for feeling this way. It doesn’t mean your a bad girlfriend or wife…

    So until next time, GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to feel how you’re feeling. Your only assignment is to take yourself OFF the hook. When you’re up to it… work on figuring out where the ROOT STORY comes from and how that story FEEDS the message you tell yourself when you are feeling like a red zone case. And until then… GIVE YOURSELF A FREE PASS.

I give you permission to sit on the couch, DON’T do the dishes, and stew until you don’t feel that way anymore….Now will you?