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Dont listen to what they say, in your case, opposites attract. Value Number Two – BALANCE

February 11, 2012 in Life, VALUES

See-Saw by Tomáš Beránek

 

Here we are again… week two.

FIRST.. So, what did you think? Is INDEPENDENCE something that is high on your VALUES list? Apparently it is for quite a few of you because the FREE call on March 1st is starting to fill up! Let’s keep it going, shall we?

I don’t think you understand how much I want you to GET this as a way of NO LONGER feeling like something is wrong with you or your relationship.

Today we’re talking about what I listed as the second most important VALUE is in a thriving restaurant relationship. It’s something that without… can cause great frustration and resentment to build. Actually… it leaves us mostly feeling alone and doubting ourselves. And for good reason. Why? Because…

You’ve most likely heard that having ‘common or mutual interests’ is a sign of a lasting relationship, right?

Maybe in 9-5’r relationships, do having many things in common come in handy. You’re with each other more, you leave for work at the same time, come home at the same time and go grocery shopping at the same time too. You also have weekends together and can visit your family in one car, most likely. You’ve probably heard (which is why it’s hard to figure out if this relationship works in the beginning) that “Mutual Interests” make a strong relationship.

I remember in the beginning, I believed that too. I really doubted the long lasting-ness of my relationship with my then chef boyfriend because we didn’t have much in common. Oh my gosh, I used to be out to dinner with him (most likely late at night) and would initiate an argument because I thought we had nothing in common (besides food, and I’m not a Foodie). I found myself comparing my relationship to friends in 9-5’r relationships.. and thought that because my boyfriend isn’t available to go to the movies with me on a Friday nite… that that MUST mean that we don’t have anything in common and that HAS to mean this isn’t going to work.

SOUND FAMILIAR? *Ten bucks says it does.

Well, in this type of relationship… it’s USUALLY the things that make you opposite of your restaurant man/woman that brings you BALANCE. Whether we know it or like it or not. (Most likely you don’t even know this… YET.)

Once you are safely rooted in your INDEPENDENCE, can you see these opposites as something of VALUE. Not something that MUST mean that you are not on secure ground.

*Whenever you read/hear/are told that you have to have “Common Interests” in order to have a lasting relationship… I give you PERMISSION to say (out loud too) “Eh, that might be the case for 9-5’r relationships but not in my relationship with my chef/bartender/GM/Sommelier/owner/etc…”

(and then proceed to smile)

It’s not the same. It’s just not.

I’m going to give you two examples… to show you two opposites that my chef husband and I have that if I didn’t understand how they bring us BALANCE.. they would both drive me NUTS. But don’t because I’ve come to understand my values. (okay I’ll admit it, I still have my moments but then I remember they are a part of what I VALUE – and I feel better in a MUCH shorter time than before)

1. BOOK SMART (me) vs. STREET SMART (him) – Case in point… on our 2nd,week long annivizaversary vacation to the beach (I know, I’m lucky), I was SO looking forward to sitting down with a 500 page book, investing intervals of quiet time to just ‘be’ in silence and read. NOPE. It drove him CRAZY that I just wanted to sit quietly, so he was always out on his motorcycle, exploring, which made him very happy. Another example is he is NOT computer savvy much at all… I am sure the management at his company has to know when I’m helping type out and paraphrase something that he wants to say in an evaluation or his quarterly initiatives.

On the other hand…if something with my car, or in the house, brakes down…I would be the one calling a tow to get it fixed but not my husband. He’s outside with the hood up for hours trying to figure out how to fix it, and usually does. Another example… I’m not ashamed to say that I am a HUGE chicken when it comes to driving in the snow, to the contrary, he LOVES it. He should seriously teach classes about how to drive in it. He always wants to take me to an abandoned parking lot in the snow and have me slide around to learn. (To which I say, NO thanks.)

2. I’m a PLANNER and he is SPONTANEOUS – about just about EVERYTHING. Money, plans for the future, what we’re eating tomorrow, etc… People ask me “Well what do you think you’re husband thinks about that (something in the future) and I say “Honestly, I don’t know. When I talk to him in the moment, he seems fine with it.” but I gotta catch him in the moment. *He’s kinda like a dog that way. Shh, don’t tell him I said that. Whereas, I have a VERY hard time being in the moment. Emphasis on VERY.

That’s the thing… his spontaneity I NEED in order to bring me BALANCE. Could you imagine if I was with another planner? (daydreaming….. er, uh, no.) I mean, it would be fun for some time but I think it wouldn’t challenge me to grow. When he calls me at 10pm on a Saturday nite, and I’m in my pj’s, set to stay in for the night and he asks if I want to go out for a beer (which means HE goes out for a beer, I just chat with him and watch him unwind) my initial thought is “ARE YOU CRAZY? It’s 10pm!” but I’ve learned to be a bit more open to those spontaneous moments because of him.

TRUST ME… I can go on.

Maybe it’s not these two examples above.. maybe it’s “I’m an early bird, and he’s a night owl.” (we have that going on too)… WHO KNOWS… but whatever IT is that you find your opposite on.. is MOST LIKELY what brings you two BALANCE and that, my friends is a very important thing to know and to VALUE.

Remember that paper from last time? Hopefully they have the answers to whether you VALUE your independence on them. Go get it and ask yourself this:

  • Because I am a ________________________, and he/she is a _________________________, he/she pushes me to enhance the parts of myself that I would not usually be comfortable with.
  • T/F -When I recognize that my other half is different from me, we usually have more fun and enjoy each others company more.
  • Three benefits I get from my other half NOT being just like me… 1. _______________ 2. ________________ 3. _____________
  • T/F – I see us growing closer because of the things that make us different.

AFFIRMATION: I now embrace our differences as a way of bringing BALANCE to our relationship.

  • AGAIN – let me say… YOU are NOT in a typical type of relationship. It does not have the same rules. If you attempt to follow the rules of those in the SAME type of relationship… you will find that you see what is in YOUR relationship is not working. LIBERATE yourself from thinking it’s the same and REFRAME your experiences to include understanding that it’s your differences that bring you BALANCE.  That is a strong VALUE that will help you thrive in your restaurant relationship.

Please tell me what your thinking… It’s SO important to me that you understand this. Leave a comment below… even if it’s a frustration, I want to know. (*If you’re reading this from FACEBOOK, please do me a humungous favor and leave a comment here vs. on Facebook. Thanks!)

AND FINALLY….

Join us for the FREE CALL, Thursday March 8th at 8pm EST to discuss all these lovely VALUES with me (and the 100+ other Values I’m going to send you before our call) and your fellow significant others who I BET… are feeling exactly the same way you are. Whatever you’re feeling…lets talk about it! Sign up below to join the group!

JOIN US – FREE CALL! Understanding what you VALUE – Thursday, March 8th 8pm EST

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Why yes, I AM available Friday nite!…. VALUE Number One – Independence.

February 4, 2012 in Favorites, VALUES

wonder woman shoes

Source: Hannah

 

VALUE NUMBERO UNO I FINALLY understood that I VALUED my INDEPENDENCE.

As I wrote in my last post about ‘The One thing I was missing…” I told you I was going to share with you one VALUE, each week. Well here we are at week one. Personally, I believe this value is most important (as it is in my restaurant relationship) so I wanted to talk about it first (in my standard,’Chatty Cathy’ way)…. INDEPENDENCE.

When I first started dating my then chef boyfriend, I really had no idea what I was getting myself into…dating someone in the industry. I thought that my time was his time and vice versa – OUR time (like most typical 9-5 relationships) – I thought that meant we had to spend ALL of it together which was why I quickly became the naggy one asking him…

“WHEN are you going to make time for me?”

I was focusing SO MUCH on what I didn’t have, that I couldn’t even see what I did. Of COURSE I loved that I could go out on a Friday nite with my girlfriends or to a movie on Saturday and not have someone always asking me what I was up to (that was really awesome)… but where I was concerned… HE wasn’t available when I wanted and THAT was a problem.

*Oh, the arguements we would have about this. Let me tell ya….

He would say that this is his schedule and there really is nothing he can do about it (SOUND FAMILIAR?) So I would sulk and do my best ‘cold shoulder’ act that I could conjure up so he would get the point that I wasn’t happy. Unfortunately, it didn’t change his schedule.. just left me thinking I’m not sure I can ‘do’ this.

Eventually… I decided I couldn’t and broke up with him for what I thought, was for good.

FLASH FORWARD to my relationship with a 9-5’r. I felt guilty every time I went to do something with my friends and left him home. After the honeymoon phase wore off, I found myself yearning for an evening to do what I wanted to do. *Confession: I remember wanting to go to an all day concert with a girlfriend, and my 9-5 boyfriend wanted to come, I JUMPED on the chance of it being just me and her, when he said he wasn’t feeling well. Yikes.* Because I was now in a relationship with a fellow 9-5’r, I usually chose hanging out with him instead of doing what I wanted to do, and eventually felt a sadness.. like I was missing something.

It was in that relationship that I realized that I was a really independent person. I really enjoyed the FREEDOM to do what I wanted to do with my free time. When I realized that… a HUGE weight of sorts lifted from SO much of my life. I remember when I was reconnecting with my chef (for the final time, thankfully), thinking… OH MY GOSH, that means I can have ME back!!! My friends and my family noticed a change back to who I innately was inside. They would tell me…”It’s good to see YOU, again.”

Once I understood what I valued…I no longer felt neglected like I once did.

*I swear I’m not feeding you a line. It’s SO much different than before!*

For example, Sunday is usually one of his days off. (YES, I know I’m lucky.) BEFORE, I would get SO upset if he wanted to go hang out with his chef friends because it’s the only day that we had together. NOW, I know that that is usually the only day that his FRIENDS have off too (to ride motorcycles and such).. and he needs that time too. Because I understand I value my independence (and so does he), it makes watching him ride away for a few hours enjoyable… knowing he’s going to get “fed” from his time doing something he loves.

For those just starting out in restaurant relationships: This is not like “regular” 9-5 relationships. You will not spend the same kinds of time with your other half that, perhaps, your friends in 9-5 relationships do. If you begin to demand that same kinda time from your restaurant man or woman, you’ll quickly find that YOU will be let down, sad, and angry that you are not getting what you want. (Like I always was… saying “I’m not important to you if you don’t make time for me!”)

Let’s flip that around, shall we?

What are you doing in your own life that is EQUIVALENT to the passion they have in their careers? Is it your own career? Your hobbies? Your active social life? Your spirituality? Your health?

Go out and DO THAT.

*Caveat: If your still debating if this type of relationship works for you, and you continually get the feeling that having your own time to do your own thing always leaves you feeling angry, resentful, lonely and sad… even after you answer the questions below… it MIGHT be one of three things… 1. maybe you don’t value Independence as much and THAT IS OKAY! 2. maybe another value trumps Independence OR 3.this isn’t the type of relationship that will inevitably leave you feeling fulfilled. Either way, you’re figuring it out and that’s all we can hope for, right?

 

You’ll find that the more time you spend on your OWN plights, goals, passions… the richer the time you do spend together will be. If you are waiting for them to come home, get off work to spend time with you… you’ll be looking for HIM/HER to create your own value.

*Everyones values are different. No one person values the same exact thing in the same intensity. That said, it’s up to YOU to figure out what works for you. What works for you might not for your restaurant man/woman. *Although, I believe a thriving restaurant relationships share common values. Independence being one of them.

In the same light, I understood that we both VALUE having SACRED time together (Sacredness is another VALUE). Routines and rituals that we do not reschedule or rain check because we know that we have limited time together, enhance our time apart. Having these moments help us BOTH to feel valued when we miss each other… knowing we’ll reconnect soon helps us nurture our own VALUE. These sacred moments have become the cornerstone of our marriage and their something we both look forward to, from week to week.

So here’s what I want you to do to discover if Independence is a VALUE of yours.

1. Get out a piece of paper.
2. Answer the following questions:

  • When it’s Friday nite and I’m about to get off of work and I know my restaurant man/woman is working… I feel ____________________.
  • T/F – I feel so lonely when he’s at work and I don’t have anything to do.
  • T/F – I kinda feel like we don’t have a “real” relationship if we don’t evenings and weekends together.
  • T/F – I think it’s kinda selfish that I like to do my own thing… I mean, that isn’t “Normal.”
  • If I know I’m going to have a day to myself… I end up doing____________________________.
  • When I am feeling “SO MUCH MYSELF” (meaning happy in my life/my own skin/FREE TO BE ME!) I am usually_________________.

Maybe you’ve heard the quote:

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Most likely, your restaurant man/woman is doing what makes him/her ‘come alive’. Now it’s time you find the same thing.

I want to end by saying that no one TAUGHT us this… about what we value. We’re thrown into life with our fingers crossed and hoping for the best. How awesome would it be to have a little help when we begin something new… with a firm grounding of who we are and what we bring to the table…so we won’t always feel like we’re missing something.

How do YOU feel about this? Please share with us your thoughts, feelings… reactions.

Finally… in a few weeks (Thursday, March 8th 8pm EST), I’m offering a FREE CALL to discuss said values more in depth, discuss these and share with you what other values you have! (Once you sign up, I’ll send you a list of over 100 additional values for you to consider!) I want to take your questions, quandaries.. even frustrations. Sign up below to join in on the call! Hope to *see*  you there!

JOIN US – FREE CALL! Understanding what you VALUE – Thursday, March 8th 8pm EST

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