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It’s time – PART TWO.

February 7, 2013 in Coping, Expectations, Favorites, Fears, Life, Relationships

Before you dive in, read here.  And if you haven’t read PART ONE yet, DO HERE.

Feel BETTER?

I hope so. Hopefully you are really beginning to GRASP how NOT CRAZY you are.

It’s NOT EASY being connected to someone in the industry.

All the things you are feeling, the REASON why you’re not crazy is because MOST of us are right along with you!

I wanted you to fully soak in a whole post where you could go to when you needed a reminder.

You are NOT crazy, nor are you the only one feeling the way you do.

*Reminder – there are always exceptions to the rule.

THAT SAID.

We’re never going to move from the place of always feeling resentful (and crazy) if we are not willing to look at why it is.

WHY do we feel crazy when our other half seemingly behaves so unaware?

What’s BEHIND these feelings?

We can’t just go ahead and continually blame them for doing what they do, without understanding what’s going on within us to create such frustration/anger/sadness,etc…

WE are responsible for our own choices… our own actions (and inactions)

We are POWERFUL and STRONG.

NOT helpless.

WE decide what does and doesn’t work for us, right?

RIGHT?

I mean they are only ONE PART of the relationship, right? It takes TWO to meet in the middle, right?

It can’t be that it’s JUST their fault and that’s it.

So I ask myself, when inevitably some of the statements from PART ONE ring true for me…

WHY am I accepting this?

Why am I choosing to let this continue, without changing course or direction?

What is BEHIND why I’m continuing to experience frustration and not peace?

As uncomfortable as it is, how willing am I to really look at what’s causing ME to be frustrated, in order to release myself from it?

How willing are you?

As I was recently researching a hypothesis about WHY they do what they do, I’ve discovered The Peter Pan syndrome , a phrase coined by psychologist Dr. Dan Kiley about typically men who choose not to grow up, stating:

“The Peter Pan Syndrome (PPS) describes men, who are childlike in their relationships, their ability to handle responsibilities, and their pursuit of pleasure. “He’s a man because of his age; a child because of his acts. The man wants your love, the child your pity. The man yearns to be close, the child is afraid to be touched. If you look past his pride, you’ll see his vulnerability. If you defy his boldness, you’ll feel his fear”

The other side of the coin in that scenario is something I found quite eye opening and shocking to me. – The Wendy Dilemma.

“The Wendy Dilemma describes women who are very dependent upon their mates in a special way. They mother their mates, treating them like immature children. It is not uncommon in my practice for these women to state, “I feel like I have four children, instead of three, because I have to treat my husband just like one of the kids.”

Wow, right?

It’s SO EASY for us to see how our significant others might not want to grow up, but SO challenging to see why they feel it’s okay to do that.

I mean, we’re calling a Spade a Spade here, right?

When we understand what’s BEHIND the reason we get frustrated and angry, feel sad and alone, we have a much greater chance for liberating ourselves from it and creating a new way of being.

Why am I mentioning this?

I mention these two hypothesis’ to help us not feel so ALONE, when really what we want is to understand what is really going on.

Especially if this has been happening for years, right? Most likely in our frustration isn’t just about what they’re doing, it’s about not understanding WHY they’re doing it and WHY it affects us so.

For me, finding this information has been like turning on a light, for myself, my relationship and as the captain of this ship. As a coach, I’ve always understood that there is motive and reasoning behind everything we do, that it’s always about the cause and not the effect, but HERE… it’s explained so clearly that it can no longer go ignored or misunderstood.

  • You’re NOT crazy but you might be feeling like you are because you don’t understand.
  • You’re NOT crazy but until you really look at what’s BEHIND what’s causing you pain, the crazy will be all that you see and feel.
  • You might be feeling CRAZY cause you know that somethings going on here but can’t put your finger on it.

What do I do now?

Honestly, whatever you want. YOU have the choice. You can use this information to find some sort of peace within yourself, a confirmation that you’re NOT crazy; maybe you can continue to do your own research to help you understand the concepts behind these philosophies, or you can partner with a professional coach or therapist who can help you move forward to help liberate you from what holds you back from THRIVING in your restaurant relationship.

Or nothing at all.

Maybe these two possible explanations do not ring true for you at all, only you know.

Either way, I still maintain that you are not CRAZY for feeling the way you are, that there IS a reason behind why this is the way it is.

It’s totally up to YOU to discover what that is.

How do you feel? Care to share in the comments? Did this FREE you or frustrate you even more?

A letter to our chefs who also have NO idea what it’s REALLY like.

April 1, 2012 in Everybody Else, Life, Relationships

Source: s106.photobucket.com via Candice on Pinterest

Alright, before you throw some old food from the walk in at me… hear me out.

Let me start by saying this…

WE LOVE YOU.

We are dating you/engaged to you or married to you because we recognize you have something no one else does.

You’re one of the most passionate, hard working and talented people we have ever met.

We know that we have something special.

It’s that passion bordering on obsessive compulsiveness that we find so appealing… sexy even.

We LOVE watching you do what you do. *shoot, we love being on the sidelines saying “that’s my man/woman!”

You remind us of when we were little and someone asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up, and we said

“I want to be a ballerina”…

except YOU actually did it. You are LIVING your passion.You’re that astronaut, fireman, policeman, in our eyes.

We are your biggest fans.

Know that, okay?

Because this letter still remains that EVEN you – have NO idea what it’s really like….

FOR US.

I created this site because I know that most of those in our lives have NO CLUE what it’s like to be connected to you.

Unfortunately, that also includes you.

It’s not always fun or easy, waiting at home all hours while you’re working all day. (I wonder.. do you ever think “Man, I leave her/him alone alot when I’m putting in a 15 hour day?)

Figuring out and quite possibly rearranging our holiday schedule around when you’re working,

Being the primary caretaker to our children, because we support and know… that daddy/mommy is the one everyone is counting on at the restaurant.

Always having to be flexible when things change with your schedule at the last moment. Even when we’ve had things planned for months.

Going to and doing things (shoot, who am I kidding?… EVERYTHING) alone. Grocery shopping, the laundry, buying gifts at the holidays…

I know you don’t even think twice about how there is always beer/OJ/milk, ingredients for a turkey sandwich in the fridge because you know it’ll always be there.

Why? Because that’s just what WE do.

We make sure it gets done. *On some level, that’s why you picked US… you know we’re strong. That we’ll do whatever it takes. We’re kinda like you in that way.

What you might not know is in our world, no one in our circle REALLY understands why we stick around like we do. Sure they’ll try when we’re with them, but when they’re alone, they’re wondering why we would choose a life when we’re not with our partner, when the scales always seem like their tipped against us. It gets tiring always feeling like we have to defend ourselves.

And if we just started dating you, this is a whole new world for us and that world looks pretty foreign and a little strange to those around us.

Here’s a secret: Guarantee you, we have had our close family and friends ask us why we stay in this relationship if you’re never around… of course those are the SAME people who LOVE to enjoy your food when we take them to your place of business or come over to eat.

How’s that for irony.

Our family and friends just want us to be happy. We understand that. Unfortunately, sometimes the choices you make in your career, look and feel like their made to make YOU happy. And that doesn’t always appear to be FAIR.

We know how hard you work when you’re at the restaurant.

We know… because when you get OFF work, that is how you are. OFF.

We try to deal the best way we can because of what I said above, WE LOVE YOU, but my dear chefs and restaurant men and women, we could really use a bit more support. A lending hand or even MORE IMPORTANTLY… an empathetic ear.

Let me say that to you again…

WE NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT EASY.

It’s SO easy to feel taken for granted when it seems like all your responsibility is making sure food cost is down, and you’re staff is performing.

Now before you get defensive… let me say I KNOW, somewhere inside  you, you know it’s not easy for us. You might not express it so simply, but I KNOW, you know that we usually get the short end of the stick. I’m SURE there are moments when you are asked to work later, and you know your wife/girlfriend/fiancee is home, looking forward to watching a movie on the couch with you or make love to you, or your children to play with you… and you have a moment when you’re like “damn… I let him/her/them down again.”

You KNOW. We can’t say that we don’t understand the stress and the strain you go thru (we see it in how exhausted you are after work, how you get calls/texts/emails ALL through the night or on your day off, how you like to check out after work with a beer or two), but the best way to comfort and support us is to tell US you know and you see us.

When it boils down to it…that’s all we REALLY need. We need to KNOW that you KNOW that this sucks sometimes.

You enjoy the benefit of knowing life at home will look like how you left it, some 12-16 hours earlier…. It’s important you TELL us that you SEE all that we are doing…. how much we are managing.

TELL US that you see all that we do. Tell us often and regularly.

I GUARANTEE you you’ll see happier wives and girlfriends. Your loves will be more at peace.

We know and support YOU. We show our support by being with you. By being inspired and PROUD of you.

How do you show that you are PROUD of us?

The BEST way to show us… IS TO TELL US.

Find SOME way to tell us. Most of you are men (and women) of few words. No matter. There are PLENTY of ways to say “I KNOW THIS SUCKS SOMETIMES AND I AM GRATEFUL”. A song, a poem… take the kids to the park for 4 hours and give mama a BREAK. Send her a text that says “I appreciate all that you do”.  Take one of the flowers that you put on the tables at the restaurant and bring it home. Tell her you thought she needed one of them.

~~~Do ANYTHING around the house without us having to ask you. Make the bed (this is a BIG one), take out the trash, water the plants, walk the dog.~~~

Instead of telling us that it’s “silly” that there is a support group for Significant Others…. UNDERSTAND WHY WE NEED TO CONNECT.

You probably wonder why we’re always angry… why we can sometimes be masters of the cold shoulder. You might tell us that we’re miserable all the time. *Psst: That will NEVER work in your favor, by the way* We know you’re so focused on what’s going on with work that you MIGHT not know so let me tell you, ON the record…

We’re frustrated because we do not KNOW that YOU KNOW that we do ALOT in our relationship. We do not know that you have ANY idea how hard it can be, to be with you men and women so dedicated to making OTHER people happy.

I make you a PROMISE. *I’m not just going to say I promise, here on the internet, with people reading this all over the world without being 100% sure of what I’m saying, so KNOW that I am aware that I’m making promises.

I PROMISE that if you REGULARLY tell us (or show us) that you see how much we do and KNOW that it sucks sometimes… YOU will see a difference in your relationship and most likely, your entire life.

ALL we want is to be ACKNOWLEDGED.

What I cannot promise you is that by acknowledging that you KNOW it sucks sometimes, will FIX what might already be broken. I wish I could, but cannot. What I CAN promise you is that if you start to tell us that you KNOW and you SEE…. WE, in turn will start to FEEL like you know and you see.. and it will be the BEST feeling in the world. It will change the way we do things. We won’t be cleaning the house feeling so upset like “Why am I doing this all the time!”.

We know that when you leave the house, you’re expected to don a cape like superman and BE everything to everyone. We know that (If they don’t know it let me assure you I’m working on helping your love to see that)

What we need from YOU… is to know that while you’re off… saving the day, every day.. that

YOU SEE THE CAPE THAT WE WEAR…

at home, with the kids, with our families and friends… and that you TELL US you see it.

It takes two pretty amazing people… make this relationship thrive.

I BET that deep down, the both of you know that you have what it takes to make it through this type of relationship.

Now turn to your other half and share that you know that.

Connecting…

June 9, 2011 in Life, Relationships

intimacies

Intimacies by Cambiodefractal

 

Doesn’t this picture give you the warm and fuzzies? Doesn’t it make you daydream back to that time, perhaps when you just met or were first dating, when you and your then boyfriend or girlfriend, spent hours (or all day perhaps?) laughing and enjoying being in close proximity to each others physical bodies for a stretch of time? Maybe you were discussing your future, discussing what you want to name your first child, or their first restaurant perhaps. The endorphins, the feeling connected, the glow….

Most likely those moments occurred on a semi- regular basis… despite his long hours and cold pillow on the other side of the bed when you went to sleep at night. You found yourself craving these intimate moments as a part of your week, a way of not just physically and sexually checking in but to emotionally connect. Thus began your investigation into the growing feelings you had for your man (or woman), your future, and your decision that this person who you are now sharing not just your bed with, but your life with, is to be your partner, your mate.

There are, I bet’cha, at any given time, a handful of these moments burned into your mind. Let’s give them a moment of silence as we let them flood our minds…..

Very Nice.

So, It is no wonder that most of us have (I’d predict 90% of us), at one point or another deal with the separation anxiety (and frustration) that settling into a routine, that usually involves passing through the night (and weekend) typically brings. It’s these times when we aren’t connecting, whether it be physically (and by that I mean sexually) or emotionally, that can create great stress in a relationship. Days or weeks of  both literal and emotional “dry spells” when one day you realize that  besides not connecting sexually, you haven’t sat down to have a conversation with your restaurant man/woman (face to face), haven’t shared a meal or the time to share a long and lingering kiss that you might begin to question what the heck is going on.

If this is something you are going thru – I assure you, you are NOT the only one.

I have received quite a handful of messages from you that this is one constant source of tension and anxiety. It stirs our deepest, inner fears of being desired (wanted) and is always poking at our worthiness. It’s one topic that is in our undertone of most everything we watch, it’s the purpose of many media publications, and it’s the plot of so many movies.. it’s how we look at ourselves in the mirror when we’re buying clothes. With this constant invasion of our souls desire to feel free and untethered.. it’s a daily reminder when we find ourselves in the ‘day in and day out’ of passing through the night, just how much we might not be keeping up with the expectations put upon us from outside sources.

It’s challenging to say the least, when he or she gets home, you’re sleeping and when you wake up they are sleeping. This isn’t just an physical need.. (okay sometimes it is) but more than that..it’s a desire to connect. It’s the yearning to be seen, to be heard… a moment when your partner looks in your eyes and says, “you matter to me.” When we sense the distance that being in this type of relationship brings, it pulls on us and in the end, we take it as a lack on either ourselves or our partners parts. Usually “What’s wrong with me?  What’s wrong with him/her or.. What’s wrong with us?” are regular statements in our minds. It’s EASY to see how this quandry.. this stirring to know WHY we aren’t connecting will do a doosy on the foundation of any relationship.

Here’s the thing my lovelies… How can you expect to have the same sort of regular connection when the parameters of your loves work legitimately keep him or her away when most people are available. Part of the ‘Pain’ of being in the restaurant industry is what your experiencing. When they get off of work, they just gave their energy, their time and perhaps their body to their craft. I’m sure you can attest your other halfs passion to their job as almost mad scientist-esque. Working tirelessly to answer the questions that he or she have burning in their minds, only to stop when physical fatigue or what they’ve been working on has been solved.

I assure you it’s not that you’re not important.. that they don’t see you there, it’s the midnight oil burning in their heart that sometimes (okay most of the time) creates short sighted moments in your other half.

Here’s the thing… there is something YOU can do. Right here and right now.

For we, the tribe of the other halves, it STARTS with us. An awareness. And this time.. this awareness is about unlearning the ways in which we do not meet up to expectations compared to others that are not on this schedule and situation, it’s about learning about what Intimacy really is to you, what it feels like and when to recognize it as a way of feeding the need to connect.

So I ask, What is intimacy to you?

I can only say for me, that it’s those moments when I do see and spend time with my husband.. Intimacy is when we smile and joke around with each other, our inside jokes and pranks that most who hear or see them, have no idea what we’re up to. It’s putting a cup of coffee on his nightstand as I leave for work, only to cool down enough by the time he wakes (usually) … it’s the messages he sends me on my blackberry messenger mid-day, that he’s thinking of me and he loves me (we communicate during the day via messenger because he’s not able to get out of the kitchen (or off the line) long enough) It’s Sundays when he’s off, going to Home Depot together and shopping for our new grill and outdoor furniture, laughing and bickering the whole way (we’re bickerers by nature). It’s the Monday nite dinner and a movie that we both look forward to, that have become sacred – sitting together on the couch with our bodies close, that I know I am loved.

When I find myself asking those same questions (and I do) “What’s wrong with me?” What’s wrong with us?”,  I attempt to remember all those really beautiful moments that I do consider intimate, those moments when my husband looks over at me from his truck, from wherever we’re going to, and I can tell by the way he’s looking over at me.. that he really loves me. In that moment I feel seen… I feel heard… I feel exposed and vulnerable and open to whatever is next on our journey. True, it’s not what everyone else has… regular nite romps in the hay, but in some ways.. what I have is more.

How can you find those intimate moments with your love, appreciate and remember them when you find yourself asking those questions.. “What’s wrong with us?”  I feel I would be of no help to offer some Sex Tips (you can find enough of those in Cosmopolitan magazine) as I am still working out this topic as you are, but I can offer a reminder of what you DO have…

You DO have the freedom to pursue your own dreams, without the guilt of always needing to be available when most 9-5’rs are, you DO have the first row seat to watching someone fully present in their passion, you DO have back stage access to that world that most people have NO idea about. You DO have an occasional VIP pass when you step out to a new restaurant or gastropub.. You hopefully DO know the value that you bring to their life, if no other way than how you bring balance and grounding to them, the one who keeps them tethered to the ground. Yes, you have a handful of things that might be considered the ‘PAIN’ of your relationship.. and one of them involves some creative scheduling (wink wink)… but the feeling and the emotion BEHIND that sort of connecting… you receive in SO many other ways…

What are some of yours?

Resentment: Part Deux!!

May 7, 2011 in Life, Relationships

Beauty of the Arguement by Eweliyi

Okay so…. How’s it going? How successful have you been in catching yourself IN THE MOMENT when you are feeling resentment with your restaurant man or woman?

(HOPEFULLY YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT LOOKING LIKE THIS PICTURE.. BUT THEN AGAIN – MAYBE IT IS.) either way, it’s okay.

To recap, when we are feeling resentful about our restaurant man or woman not being available, attentive or present in our relationship; we tell ourselves a message, it usually sounds a bit like:

  • “Why do I have the be the one that does everything (around the house/with the kids/with the finances)… I swear he thinks his job is just TOO important to help out”
  • “Why does she think that she’ll automatically get a ‘pass’ from keeping up their end of the relationship because they work longer hours, doesn’t he/she see how hard I work too?”
  • “He’s the chef… why is he asking ME to cook for him on his day off?”

Oh yea, I know at one point or another (or everyday)  you’ve said something like this to yourself, your sister or your best friend.  (perhaps even, a random stranger you sit next to on the bus?)

Trust me, we’ve ALL been there. Every single one of us.  More on this in Part II. Keep reading.

Follow me, that message you tell yourself has a root (picture a flower in the ground) the message is the stem.. and the root is where the stem (I mean the message) comes from. It grows from an experience (or story) you’ve had that threw you off, had you scratching your head,  shedding a tear, or even worse… on the ground with a scraped knee. The scar from that experience (or root) is what FEEDS your stem (the message you tell yourself) to produce your current experience (the petals, pollen and all!).

How’s your petals looking these days? In full bloom or wilting over with sadness and loneliness and resentment? The trick is to figure out…

    WHERE did that root story/experience come from?

    I know.. it’s not ‘easy’ to do. The story (or the root) has you feeling scared, and is most likely tender to the touch. Just the thought of where it is, has you in system shutdown mode. And, when you DO get to a place where you are comfortable searching for it, or your feeling like it’s healed enough to touch it, LIFE changes and you’ve got more evidence that will create another message. After a while, you have quite a few messages going on at one time, that it’s challenging to figure out how to just “GET HAPPY”. I mean, HOW did this even happen?  Right?

Whether you’re Married to a Chef/Owner/Bartender, or a fellow 9-5’r… these feelings are the same. We ALL had these experiences that created a message that feeds our current experience.

WHAT would happen if I told you that the sooner you understood where the root story comes from, where these messages you instantly tell yourself, come from, that you could unlock some of the resentment that has you spinning. With a little decoding.. you could soon understand WHY your feelings of resentment run SO DEEP.  (Answer: because they’re not just happening NOW, in the present, but these feelings are triggering you to re-experience the ROOT of where this feeling began. I know, it’s mind blowing to me as well.)

    Here’s where Part II comes in. Ya ready?

    Part two is merely to GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK, WILL YA?

    Yep, Part two is YOU giving yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. IT’S OKAY! You are not some hunchback monster because you’re feeling this way – HARDLY! It’s part of life.  (I have to laugh because what I’m writing about.. is something that I need to work on as well. Remember, might be a Life Coach but doesn’t mean I have it all figured out! nope.)

    I mean let me ask you something… and let’s get REAL.

    WHO do you know.. when you really got down to it… Didn’t have something they struggled with?

    I don’t have to dig deep into this question to know the answer. EVERYONE has something their dealing with right now. Why? Because it’s PART of this over the shoulder boulder holder thing we called LIFE.

    I would venture to say that almost 1/3 of your resentment is the fact that you DON’T UNDERSTAND why you’re always feeling this way!! IT’S OKAY, YOU HEAR ME? It’s okay that you don’t have it figured out, that you are feeling angry and wanting to spit every time your boyfriend or girlfriend throws their chef clothes on the floor that YOU just cleaned! It’s OKAY that you need to give yourself a Time Out when you find yourself with the chore of doing the dishes again (I mean I am not the official dishwasher!) It’s OKAY!!  Take that time out!

Give yourself PERMISSION to feel angry. I know it goes against everything your mama told you about being a “good girl” or being “proper”. Still.  Let me ask you, is being either one of those things going to magically make your feeling resentful go away? NO.

What would it take to just give yourself a BREAK for once, huh?

I know it’s hard to give yourself permission to feel the way you’re feeling… no WONDER why we’re feeling so angry and so much resentment.. part of us is fighting OURSELVES! Fighting to ‘keep it together well enough to appear what I personally think is the TRUE root of ALL of this… NORMAL.” (rolling eyes)

So tell me, what can you do that will give yourself a break? Going for a walk, hitting a Zumba class, singing at the top of your lungs, cleaning your house, ironing your clothes, getting a massage? writing in your journal/on your blog? Whatever it is.. DO IT. You’re not crazy for feeling this way. It doesn’t mean your a bad girlfriend or wife…

    So until next time, GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to feel how you’re feeling. Your only assignment is to take yourself OFF the hook. When you’re up to it… work on figuring out where the ROOT STORY comes from and how that story FEEDS the message you tell yourself when you are feeling like a red zone case. And until then… GIVE YOURSELF A FREE PASS.

I give you permission to sit on the couch, DON’T do the dishes, and stew until you don’t feel that way anymore….Now will you?

Resentment: Part One

April 13, 2011 in Coping, Life, Relationships

Relationship Difficulties from Buquad

Pretty sure we’ve ALL been there…

The nights when just you have SO much to say but you’re either too tired, too furious….or just tired of saying the same thing – over and over. So you just sit there… stewing.

Oh yea… big ‘ol resentment rears it’s huge ugly head at some point in everyones life.

If it’s not your other half.. it’s your parents, siblings or friends.

And my darlings~ being with someone in this industry lends itself to the potential of habitual resentment formation.

So many of you wrote about feeling resentful that while your husband/boyfriend, girlfriend or wife is out living the life, cooking and creating and well… having fun on their days off,

YOU are home with the grocery shopping  and taking care of the babies and walking the dog. Let me first ask you….

How does this resentment show up in your life?

How does feeling resentment affect your health?

Where do you hold this resentment in your body?

Have you ever given this some thought?

It might surprise you to hear that medical studies are now beginning to show that holding those feelings inside us, over an extended period of time, actually breaks down our biological makeup and can create Disease. Our thoughts are powerful energy forces; empowering us to create great change, or on the opposite spectrum, creating a vaccuum of inaction, or low or no movement within and around us. (If you’re interested in learning more, email us at blog@marriedtoachef.com for a list of resources) . Break down the word disease into two words

dis-ease = a body that’s not AT ease.

Keeping our feelings inside may actually cause us physical pain.  

It has been my mission for as long as I can possibly remember to expose what our THINKING does to our physical health. So here at Married to a Chef; we are going to take resentment as one example of a pressure cooker emotion and explore ways in which we can RELEASE it~ if ONLY so that it no longer resides within you.

What is the MESSAGE you tell yourself when you are feeling resentful?

  • “He/She is just not listening to me… must mean that they do not care what I’m staying.”
  • “Why do I have the be the one that does everything (around the house)… maybe they think their job is just TOO important to help out”
  • “The fact that they do not see me struggling has to mean that I’m not as important to them as they are to me!”
  • “When am I going to have MY turn to be carefree? To live out MY dreams?”

 
How familiar are these messages to you? How does it feel to read these scenarios of messages that we tell ourselves, OVER and OVER again. It’s like actually taking a whip and whipping ourselves for somehow not being good enough or feeling WORTH enough to be important.

Let me tell ya my dear sisters and brothers of Restaurant Other Halvedom…. there IS another way!!! ***

{{{WELL… WHAT IS IT, FOR GOODNESS SAKE???}}}

Okay okay! I’ll tell ya!

But first, let me ask you… WHERE did you get the ideas that you weren’t important or that you weren’t good enough or that you had to do EVERYTHING in order to feel like you had a say in your relationship/family?  They had to come from SOMEWHERE… right?

 – Maybe your mom told you that you weren’t going to receive your allowance if you didn’t do everything on your list.

 – Maybe that one time, during the soccer game when the coach took you out and didn’t tell you why.

 – or Maybe, it was when that guy you really wanted to date – stood you up and left you at the restaurant all alone.

YEP~ these events shape our experiences but most often – they are the STORIES that trigger the messages we tell ourselves to keep ourselves feeling safe… feeling NORMAL! (ugh, how I detest this word)

You are worth it even WITHOUT the need to create these triggers. YOU ARE SAFE!

DID’JA HEAR THAT MY LOVELIES??? WITHOUT THESE STORIES!! (I know.. easier said than done.. I know)

whew… when you break it down… find out the story BEHIND the message… and ask yourself HOW TRUE is this story affecting your life NOW….it doesn’t seem so powerful, does it?

The messages you are telling yourself when your restaurant man or woman is out doing what he wants with his life is NOT the message HE wants you to receive! That is the message YOU are telling yourself (also called COPING MECHANISMS)

WELL, HOW ARE THESE COPING MECHANISMS WORKING FOR YA, HUH? (my guess, not so good)

okay, let’s check in… how are you doing?  How new is this information to you? What feelings are coming up now as you read this? Whatever it is.. HANG ON!! it’s good information, I promise! Keep going!

PART of the “OTHER way” of doing things is  to REFRAME the messages you tell yourself so that they don’t come across like you have no worth.

(KEY: It’s going to take stopping yourself from letting these negative messages keep rolling on.)  Say to yourself (in the midst of another Negative Snowball rolling down the mountain) …

STOP (insert your name here)!!! I am telling myself this message to make myself feel better. WHERE does this story come from?

If you can stop yourself IN THE MOMENT and figure out where the STORY came from that delivers the message.. you will BREAK the negative energy that keeps you feeling without any power.

How willing are you to give this a try until next week when I will give you some more information and can take it a step farther with you?

COME ON… I’LL DO IT WITH YOU AND WE’LL BOTH KNOW THAT WE’RE NOT THE ONLY ONES FIGURING OUT THE STORY BEHIND THE MESSAGE!

Next week – I want to talk to you about how you EMPOWER yourself once you find out what that story is…. and then you are one step closer from catching yourself when you feel even a twinge of resentment and can REPLACE those messages with something that will make you feel happy, and ALLOW you to SURRENDER to the unknowns of life.. Live happy amongst the uncertainty!!! HOW DOES THAT FEEL?????

oh and sorry to say but if you are living IN the world.. the possibility for resentment to rear it’s ugly head will come up… it’s part of being a human. The trick is to unlock the chain that keeps you feeling stuck. And people.. I’m here to give you the KEY!!!!

Until next week.. remember to STOP!!!! and ask yourself where the story comes from that explains the message you tell yourself.  (I give yourself permission to say, out loud STOP!!.. no matter where you are… the grocery store, softball practice, trying on a new skirt at the mall.. wherever)

I know you can do this.. (I know I can do this!) Do you? 

***IMPORTANT NOTE: In NO way, shape or form have I – resident ‘Living by Allowing’ Life Coach Kerilyn Russo mastered what I am sharing here. (I wish!) It’s something that I too, am working on – night and day. I am still working on understanding just how my own negative repetitive thoughts affect my physical body, my relationships and my overall level of happiness. TRUST me…we’re in this together, my people.

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