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Fat Chef? Not just a reality show.

July 25, 2012 in Fears, Life

Food. A double edged sword.

On one end, food is how our restaurant men and women fuel their purpose. Finding and serving plates of deliciousness to the masses in the hopes of finding that winning combination that will have customers coming back, time after time. It’s propelled so many chefs to stardom, giving so many others the North Star to work toward, in their careers.

You watch a seasoned chef with the food he or she is handling; there is an almost intimate comfort and familiarity when dicing and manipulating it that is liken to both, a couple whose swirling in the energy of lust as well as that comfortable feeling you see in a 50 year marriage. You almost feel like you just walked in on a make out session sometimes, when your restaurant man/woman is in the zone of what they’re preparing.

The other woman.

On the other end…food is a topic that is swept under the rug when it’s in the context of their own personal health and wellness. Food, when being discussed by way of what is appropriate for maintaining a healthy weight  and lifestyle is where most restaurant men/women lose their sense of reality and they feel like they have to defend their now exposed love affair to the death. Literally.

And because this love lorn relationship with food is usually so intense, it’s almost like most of their lives, their interaction with it is experienced like a sex scene in a movie… lights are low and the music is relaxed… wine has been drunk, the room is silent as they get to doing what they came there to do.

Then WE come in and throw on the overhead light.

Buzzkill.

When we remind them that what their eating (and HOW their eating) is causing them to be overweight and unhealthy… WE are seen as the one who has just committed a crime. Like a dog who defends his bone, his territory with a ferociousness and rage… standing over their prized possession in a way that would make anyone question if they REALLY needed to go in there. We know we are in dangerous territory.

Still, so many of our restaurant men and women are turning a deaf ear to the fact that what they LOVE…. can cause them additional pain in their bodies and possibly en route to an early death. While most of us are already constantly having to consider what their eating and where they’re getting said nourishment, our beloved restaurant men and women only have to turn to the walk in for what suits their fancy that day. (AND… they most likely don’t have to cook it themselves either if they don’t want to – BONUS)

Now, I am the FIRST to admit that food can be a way that we emotionally escape from things we cannot control. The flood of whatever comfort food does to our bodies, helps numb us out when we are not able to deal. I KNOW that when stressful situations happen, when I am feeling out of control, I eat. I reach for whatever is comforting as a way of coping. It’s important you know that I know I am not a poster child for “Eat Healthy and Exercise”.  As one who has resisted giving into the thought that I myself, am a ‘big girl’, I’m not attempting to say “Do as I say, not as I do.”. It’s been an issue for me, as well, most of my life.

But this website isn’t about me.

The same way some restaurant men and women turn to alcohol and drugs, others unconsciously turn to the food their creating as a way of numbing out and because they are so intimately intertwined with it, they are almost oblivious to the damage their doing.

I have no magical advice on how we can begin to shift this paradigm around, I am writing this to expose it, to bring it to light for the MANY of us who are unsure of how to tackle this subject without causing an earthquake to take place in your relationship.

I have enough evidence to say with confidence that I can understand why it is challenging to eat regularly while making sure everyone is ready at their stations before dinner service. I UNDERSTAND that they cannot just sit down with a plate and carve out some time to eat lunch like most of us 9-5’rs. I’ve experienced this phenomenon myself. It’s a GO GO GO type of atmosphere that doesn’t allow for one to slow down enough to be conscious about what they put in their mouths. (Was once helping my husband at off site event for dinner, was STARVING and got all these angry stares from the other servers who were saying “Why are you sitting down? It’s your JOB to feed everyone else.” An eye opening experience for me, for sure) I’ve gotten into heated arguments with my chef husband when I ask if he would just make more of an effort to stop and eat lunch. It’s like I’m asking him to somehow suspend gravity for 30 minutes.

Unlikely.

Because of this evidence, I know that the only time they ARE able to really focus on what their eating, is when they get OFF their shift, and this is usually10pm or later.  To ME, this nocturnal eating is the primary cause of unhealthy eating for our restaurant men/women. While I understand it, I have a resistance to accepting it and leaving it alone. I have heard many chefs speak of the exact same habits, so I  know it’s something you most likely, are dealing with yourself.

This career is already hard on our restaurant men/womens bodies. Standing all day and under such immense heat, they are no stranger to having knee issues and back pain. Add to that an unhealthy lifestyle, whether drugs/alcohol or food, and that puts added stress on an already stressed out body.

Personally, there are times when I feel I am strong enough to face the man I love with an annoying persistence LONG ENOUGH to create an short term awareness in his life. Unfortunately, this doesn’t get to the ROOT of it and doesn’t end up lasting long. With the relationship between health and what we eat being a topic for every single one of us, to some degree, I know I’m riding a fine line between focusing too much on HIS habits when maybe I’d make the most impact if I focused on my own.

At the end of the day, it’s really about choice, isn’t it?

I cannot MAKE him focus on what he’s eating as much as he cannot make me do the same. It has to start with us, individually. YES, as a wife/husband, boyfriend/girlfriend of these restaurant men/women, we want to see them healthy and making choices that will allow them to enjoy their careers long into the future, for ourselves and for our families. That’s why we feel so at a loss with how to lovingly turn on the light without stirring the protective dog within. We know that WE dont’ like when our insecurities and triggers are exposed, so how to handle this already sensitive subject with the men and women we love.

At the end of the day, here are three suggestions that I can see as being viable ways we can help make an impact in the overall health and vitality of our restaurant men/women: (NO guarantees though. What works for one person might not for another.)

  1. Pack “On the Go” snacks/meals for them to take to work – Take the worry out of what their eating during the day and while you’re considering what your eating for yourself… consider making food (or sending them off with quick snacks to grab) for your other half to take to work so that it’s one less thing they have to think about. *I know… you’re thinking “One more thing I have to think of? I guess it’s a matter of what you know will or will not work for your man/woman. If you think it will work… why not give it a try?*
  2. Have food that is healthier to go to when they get home – You already know they’re going to be ravenous when they get off their shift, if you know they’ll come home and want to raid the refrigerator for something to satisfy them, why not have something that is… well, I don’t know – healthy, already in the house. If all there is to eat is a bowl of cantaloupe and NO chips… They’ll eat the fruit or go to bed with an empty stomach. (Cause you know they’ll do that too… NOT eat.)
  3. Be an example – Yep, sounds kinda obvious but for most of us, all we need is to have someone who is willing to lead the charge and reach out their hand to show us that we can do it too, to be the catalyst for change. For most of us, those topics that we feel stuck in, is usually the case because we dont’ know HOW to do something. Have someone not only show us but are there to be an example to what they can accomplish themselves, and magically they’re on board with whatever you’re instituting.  Help them by being an example.


You  never know… it might be all that they need.

At the end of the day, what all of us want is the best for our restaurant man or woman. Sometimes we work so hard to find SOME way to help, but time after time, end up feeling defeated and if we were being honest, a bit panicky about the future life of our chef men and women. I know that FOR ME… there is a delicate balance between willing to do whatever it takes… AND letting go of the outcome. We have NO idea what is going to happen. We are not in control of our circumstances (as much as I even resist writing that, I know it’s true)  At some point, we have to LET GO of the things we can’t fully control and TRUST that change will come it is intended to. Easy to do? Uh, yea no. I am always working to find that sweet spot where helping him and accepting him for where he is meet.

What stands out for me is something I said during my vows at our wedding. I told him that I promised to be strong when he was weak. I have found that repeatedly, he is strong when I am weak and I do my best to enourage him to make healthier choices in his health (yes, which includes bugging him if I have to) when he cannot do it himself.  

If anyone knows this, you do – While he might continue to be seen as Superman at work and completely misunderstood by most people who have NO idea what it’s really like… we who love them, know he is mere human and while his passion and calling in life is to help the world be more delicious, we know that he needs just as much help as the next person. How I do that and to what intensity, will be a topic that will always be on my ‘To Do’ list to figure out. Probably yours as well.

Tell me… how do YOU handle your chefs relationship to food when it comes to his health and vitality?

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Like this? Read the FIVE Values of a Thriving Restaurant Relationship HERE:

Ready to work with me? Check out more HERE about what coaching is and how it helps move you from where you ARE to where you want to be.

But what if… it wasn’t their fault?

July 20, 2012 in Coping, Everybody Else, Expectations, Fears, Life, VALUES

 

Source: Uploaded by user via Mette on Pinterest

When will it be MY turn?

Ever say that to yourself? Come on… you can tell me. I know you have.

  • When will you make time for me/us? Your family?
  • When will you be off to see our little one grow up?
  • When will you be around to help me get the car fixed?
  • Why am I always the one doing all the errands and YOU get off doing nothing?
  • I have a job too… why are you so special?
  • Why do I still, after all these years, feel like the restaurant is WAY more important than me/us?

I know… most of you reading this can attest to saying these things at some point. I know, because I have seen enough evidence that it is most likely what spins in your mind, most of the time.

Whether you want it to or not.

Let’s just be honest… most of you still feel like you are a victim to your restaurant relationship, yes?

I just recently received an email from someone, having recently gotten married to a chef, is now waking up to the harsh reality that things have NOT changed (still waiting for that “Happily Ever After” to kick in) feeling really frustrated that things are even more ‘the same’ as they ever were.

Maybe you’re feeling the same way. Wondering what you got yourself into…

Doubting  yourself.

Never feeling like you have a say in his/her everyday decisions when their seemingly walking on auto-pilot… doing the same thing, day in and day out. Never stopping. Almost like in a trance.

I know. I want you to know I see you.

And I can admit it too, I’ve been there. I have my moments too.

It’s SO easy to blame them for the things that are clearly not working out, right? Easy to point the finger and feel justified that there isn’t anything you can do about it except continue to argue and stay angry for longer and longer periods of time.

I’ll admit it, it can seem to be. Sometimes it seems EASIER to just blame him/her or their career as the reason why I am unhappy.

“If only he/she would….. (have a regular day off/show me that he/she wants to be with me (our children) on their day off/show me that the restaurant isn’t the number one priority)… then I would be happy”

But that only last so long, right?

We can stay angry for so long, give the cold shoulder for so long then it seems to lose its steam until something changes and we pass by that moment and are into the next thing.

That’s how life works, right? Things keeps moving whether we want it to or not.

This happens to ALL of us. Me. You. Your family. EVERYONE.
It’s part of the human condition.

There is not ONE PERSON here that doesn’t have to continually work to manage these feelings.

Question is…

  • What if there is another way to manage this?
  • How willing are you to consider another way?

Hopefully you said that you are ready to consider another way.

I want to share with you THREE observations that I have seen as common threads between us, sharing how these three things have showed up in my own life, and then give some suggestions to make change in yours.

Okay… here we go.

1. Up to this point, we have NOT had a voice.

For longer than I can imagine… the things that have us stuck in our restaurant relationships have been going on. 30-40 years ago (shoot, hundreds of years ago) As long as there have been restaurants, there have been significant others feeling the EXACT same thing that we are now. That fact ALONE is pretty amazing to consider, right?  For decades, there have been wives/girlfriends, husbands and boyfriends who just had to deal with the ins and outs of this industry. There was no place for us to go to find relief.

That’s part of the reason why I created Married to a Chef. I tell people when they ask why I wanted to do this that I had a vision, before I even began, of a significant other, sitting alone and lonely, wondering when her chef was coming home… IN JAPAN. I knew that this was not just something happening to me in my life. I had an idea that it was happening to SO MANY of us and I thought why not attempt to connect us all.

Personally, I want to thank Hilary for her blog. Her courageous step to share her experience is what initially helped me realize that there WAS a need to find a way to support us in a bigger way. But before finding her, I thought I was ALONE. I had NO IDEA that there was others in the same boat as me.

That’s the thing… for so long we WERE alone.

Why am I saying this as number one?

Because OF COURSE you’re feeling this way! GO EASY ON YOURSELF! At this point you’ve been managing solo… with NO idea how things can be different. You didn’t even know that there were other women and men (I know you men are out there!) that are feeling the same way as you are. RIGHT? That’s why it’s SO important for you to realize, IN the moment of feeling angry, resentful, confused, that you are not the only one.

The underlying message about why you want things to be different is because we’re constantly comparing ourselves to our 9-5 friends and family… looking over at them and how they have the time to be together and that pushes on your button that says that because you don’t have that… that your relationship isn’t going to make it.

This is the number one thing that trips us up… STOP COMPARING YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO 9-5’rs. It’s NEVER going to be the same. Ever.

Doesn’t mean that your relationship isn’t VALUEable! Just means that you have to play by different rules.

**More importantly, learn that you CAN play by different rules. Eventually you’ll figure out that if you don’t find rules that work for YOU and your restaurant relationship… you’re never going to be able to enjoy where you ARE. *And let me tell ya, it can be very fun…being where you are.

2. Your restaurant man/woman is a part of something LARGER than him/herself.

Yep, it’s not like he or she created the rules. It’s not like they WANT it to be this way. NO.

This is what they, themselves, entered into. The long hours, the working to build a reputation… the fear that if they don’t show that their serious enough, that they’ll be forced out?

I am sure they also didn’t know what they were expecting when they were in culinary school. Does any of us? I know I didn’t.

They are doing the best job with what they have.

I bet if you ask them.. they’ll say “Hell no, I don’t WANT to be called into work at the 9th hour just to fix something. or NO… I would rather have a regular schedule than all over the place.”

Just like we have not always had a voice.. they have not created the system. That’s why this is MUCH bigger than your individual chef, restaurant man/woman. This is been a snowball running down hill for DECADES. Add to that the TOTAL misconception of the public when it comes to chefs and the restaurant industry all together, and it’s NO WONDER why we have workaholic, stressed out men and women in our lives who don’t know, THEMSELVES how to stop.

*Personally, this is why I DECLARE to you that it’s become part of my mission to get into culinary schools. TAP THE ROOT. (Mark my words on this – Most likely in 2013)

Yes, perhaps your restaurant man/woman could take more action in their life when it comes to being with family/their health (my next subject) or GOD FORBID, mowing the lawn, but whether they do or do not take action is determined on their awareness that there is something else to do.

Try asking him/her what they would change with regards to their own industry and how they do that, I’m sure they don’t even know where to begin.

Which brings me to my third and possibly, most agitating point. Get ready for some tough love, my STRONG significant others.. I know you can handle it.

3. What are YOU doing to take ACTION in your OWN life so that you can learn a new way of maneuvering this relationship?

Ever hear of the saying “If you point one finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back at you.”

Ouch, right? I know. Trust me, I feel the sting too.

I’m the first one to raise my hand that I need to take my own advice. When I’m SO QUICK to lash out at my husband for not taking care of something fast enough… I never stop to ask myself what I could be doing to help the situation NOT get to this point.

I know… we significant others are already handling so much, right? Now you want to add something else?

My answer to this is if ALL we do is constantly remember point 1 & 2… we will hopefully find a way to remove some of the frustration and resentment… ENOUGH to possibly/hopefully find another way to look at the situation.

If we were able to 1. Remember that “Up to now.. I really thought I was alone but now I know I’m not. That ALONE makes me feel better” and 2. Remember that he/she is a part of a LARGER system… I dare you to see how that might ease up on your frustrations.

Here’s the rub… We CANNOT can’t do this alone… We’ve tried it… it doesn’t work. By way of number 1… we NEED to lean on our own community to find support and relief. Whether that is via a reminder to calm the heck down and walk away from the situation for a moment, or WHEN to get help (ahem, work with me!)

I hope at whatever stage you are in your restaurant evolution, you’ll do whatever it takes to realize this. We might’ve not had a voice in the past but NOW WE DO... so the question now is, “How are we going to use our voices?”

To wrap, here are a few suggestions when you are really ready to put your energy to good use!

  • Find a significant other who lives close to you, and regularly get together with them. You know, the buddy system? When you’re feeling that urge to change the locks while he’s SO BUSY making sure everything runs smoothly, maybe it’ll help to have someone you can call closeby who DOES understand.
  • Figure out what it is that you want to do with YOUR OWN life. My guess is part of that “Why don’t they want to be home with me?” is the fact that they LOVE WHAT THEY DO (even if they are caught up in the larger system of it all) What is it that you LOVE to do? Are you doing it? If not, maybe this is a time for YOU to figure out how you can bring more passion in your own life. If it’s being a mom… how can you share that love and passion in a BIGGER way?
  • If you are the kind of person who really likes being pushed (ahem, raises hand) and likes looking inside to find the things that hold you back in your relationship – You can PARTNER WITH ME AS YOUR COACH and we can work through these things on a one on one basis.

Just so you know.. (or in case you didn’t know) It is I, Kerilyn Russo, who is running the show here at Married to a Chef, me…. ONE person (at this point) I have a BIG dream to reach out and connect with significant others all over the world, BOTH as your resident life coach and FELLOW Significant Other. I created this place for me too… I need support too. As a coach, I have learned HOW to move someone from where they ARE… to where they want to be. I’m sure you know that it’s much easier helping someone else as it is helping yourself, same goes for me. I have my OWN coaches (two at the moment) to help me moving forward. I do not think I’m better than you and let me tell you.. I do NOT have it all figured out by now. Just because I have a few tools/ tricks up my sleeve… doesn’t mean I don’t need someone to use those tricks on me. (*)

Sign up HERE to schedule a ‘FREE TASTE” (aka complimentary session)

Finally… if you ever need a reminder that you are strong enough not just to survive but THRIVE in your restaurant relationship – you email me/ Twitter me… whatever. I KNOW you have what it takes. I do. I know it takes a strong woman/man (again, men… I KNOW you’re out there!) to maneuver through this type of relationship. I DO NOT TAKE THAT STATEMENT LIGHTLY. I believe in you.

NOW GET OUT THERE AND SHOW THE WORLD THAT YOU KNOW YOU’VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO THRIVE IN THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP!!!

(*) This is for the NAYSAYERS. I want to help you but I also want my OWN dreams and goals to come true. How I do that is with a FULL coaching practice.

Telling you my story, breaking the block and feeling the fear and doing it anyway (PART TWO)

October 18, 2011 in Everybody Else, Expectations, Fears, Life

From Jen at Bits of Truth

Okay, where was I?

oh yea… I was missing ME. (This ended up being a LONG post (If you haven’t figured out yet, I’m a chatty Cathy); Please bear with me, what I want to share is at the end, Thanks.)

Without going into too much detail, Here I am… now in a relationship with a fellow 9-5’r, someone who is available after work and on weekends and interested in doing fun things and I was TOTALLY surprised (and sad) to eventually find that instead of thriving and enjoying where I was…I found myself totally losing ME.

It took a little while (well over a year) for the excitement of his availability to wear off, but after a while, I realized that I totally missed having the time to myself. I missed hanging out with my girlfriends, having an evening to myself to watch whatever TV shows I WANTED, working on my OWN dreams (I also make greeting cards as an exercise in staying creative). I missed not feeling guilty when I DID go out, knowing that my other half was not waiting for me at home.

I won’t lie… I really cared about this 9 to 5’r guy. Loved him in fact. But what he had in physical availability he TOTALLY lacked in emotional availability and after a while I was like SO many other women saying “I would rather be alone, than lonely.” (*I want to give some serious props to Natalie over at Baggage Reclaim for her words of wisdom about Emotionally Unavailable men, I could not have gotten thru that without you! ) It was like EVERYTHING I had with the chef, I didn’t have with this guy, and after a while of missing having the time to do my OWN thing, my friends… missing being with someone who could share his feelings and wanted to be with me. **I mean the chef always told me he KNEW we were meant to be together!

It hit me…

like a ton of bricks one day, lying in my bed, thinking about what the chef is doing and if he ever thinks about me.

That what I always thought was a WEAKNESS (not being able to deal with his odd hours/schedule/tendencies) was actually a STRENGTH (being fiercely independent and driven to never give up) and in that moment I understood my VALUE.

In that moment I craved my INDEPENDENCE back, and I could see how what I thought was LACK (time by myself = not a NORMAL relationship) was really a BLESSING (Time do work on my OWN dreams, do my OWN thang!)

Almost that very instant things started to change for me. Within one WEEK of that revelation, I had reconnected with the chef, broken up with the 9-5’r and just KNEW that I had gained SO much insight from this experience. Two months later, the chef and I were engaged and I KNEW that I was where I was supposed to be. (If you read the post story, you’ll know it wasn’t as easy as 1,2,3 but like I said… a ‘Jerry Springer’ episode. On top of that, breaking up with anyone you’ve been with for three years is never easy)

Fast forward to today, We just celebrated our two year wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. I can say that I still feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I know that the fact that I can be TOTALLY myself (driven, independent, sensitive (emotional), creative, compassionate, a planner and a passionate dreamer) completely balance out with who he is and the ins and outs of his career. I LOVE that he loves what he does, that he is good at it and that I get to reap the benefits that I almost missed out on, if I hadn’t attempted to figure out if I had what it took. On top of that, they absolutely outweigh the things that inevitably SUCK being with someone in the industry.

You know…

  • His wanting to completely vedge out or play when he’s not working (which means the house is NOT his priority)
  • NEVER getting to talk to my husband while he is at work (The way we communicate is via text – Sound familiar?)
  • Missing him when I see other couples going for a walk down the street after work, or going out on a Friday nite, wishing I could do the same thing.

And when, in those moments when I can’t deal. I now have YOU to go to, to lean on, and to commiserate with, which is why I really wanted to create this space for us in the first place!

Okay now for the kicker…

*Here is where I share my own fears and insecurities.

JUST because I now understand my value, that I am a Highly Sensitive Person who needs chunks of time by myself, that the time that we do spend together is sacred, that my strength (being a planner) is his weakness (not thinking ahead) and his strength (being spontaneous) is my weakness (over thinking EVERYTHING). That we love each other very much and feel like we are EXACTLY where we are meant to be…

DOESN’T MEAN THAT WE HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT.

*nope. not in the least.

I still have my moments when leaving late Saturday nite for a 24 hour jaunt to New Jersey to visit his family SUCKS and when I have to move holiday celebrations to a day when he’s off. When I’m in my pj’s on a Saturday nite, and LIKE CLOCKWORK, he’ll call me at 9:30pm to say he’s getting off in 30 minutes and wants to see if I want to go get a beer. (again, NOT a night person but sometimes I suck it up and go.) *He usually works mid-shift now so he’s not working till 1-3am much anymore, but still works at LEAST a 10-12 hour day.

(oh yea, I still don’t have a date for New Years Eve/my birthday. You’ll inevitably find me, at some point, checking in at his restaurant that nite, to say Happy New Year and Happy Birthday. I have learned to bring the party to him, so I can at least be there when the clock strikes 12 but it would still be nice to party like it’s 1999 somewhere ELSE!)

I don’t have it all figured out.

I became a Life Coach to help fulfill my OWN dream of helping others. I know being a coach is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life and HOW AWESOME is it that I can help others who have been or still are in the same boat I am. (Honestly, I am able to coach anyone, but have chosen YOU, my beloved significant others as my focus, because I feel SO driven to help YOU understand your worth) Yea, I might not deal with him being out, drinking till 3am much anymore but I understand how confusing and frustrating it is not to know if you have what it takes to sustain this relationship.

Being a coach means that I hold YOUR agenda. NOT that I share with you my own. When I’m speaking to my clients, I focus for however long we’re together SOLELY on where THEY are and what it’s going to take to move THEM forward (then I hold them accountable to what it’s going to take to move forward). Being able to help them do that, to understand their worth DOES NOT AT ALL mean that I think I am somehow an expert at being married to a chef and that I should be considered as such.

What I know is the coaching process, NOT what you should do with your life.  I ABSOLUTELY believe that YOU know what you should do with your life, it’s just a matter of excavating through the layers of limiting beliefs and fears around who you REALLY are inside. (kinda like I mention on my philosophy behind my coaching practice called Permission Granted Coaching ) That’s where I come in. Already, my clients are feeling heard, and are moving forward and that is all I’ve EVER wanted for them or myself.

Do I want to see the full manifestation of my OWN dream to be a full time coach and thriving entrepreneur? YES. Does this mean that part of this website is my business? Yes. Is part of that business about finding those who want to become my paying clients or participate in future events/e-courses,etc? Yes. There’s the kicker – I want this to be a win win for BOTH of us.

Besides having a full schedule of clients, I have other dreams for you and me and this website. What I want MOST OF ALL is to be able to coordinate get togethers with you where YOU are, and share a space with you so you know you’re not alone. I want to travel to see YOU. I want to coordinate a yearly global gathering for us, where we ALL get together one weekend to celebrate our strength, and our ability to help each other move forward. Of course it would also be fun to introduce you to wifes and husbands of celebrity chefs, to see what it’s like for them, being in the spotlight.  Those are MY dreams and being with someone in this industry ALLOWS me the time to focus on these dreams, one by one.

Makes me wonder…WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS AND WHAT WOULD IT TAKE TO USE THE INS AND OUTS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP  TO MAKE THEM COME TRUE?

okay SO….Why was that so hard to say?

Good question.

Writing a blog means sharing our experience, our wisdom…basically our thoughts. In that sharing, finding solutions to the things that we all are facing would be a good purpose for sharing such experience.  I have been struggling with the thought that although I may be sharing my thoughts (and in doing that offering suggestions), that I will, in turn, be sharing my OWN agenda and will be viewed in one of two ways:

  1. That I am COMPLETELY wrong and I have no idea what the heck I’m talking about. (kinda a “who does SHE think she is telling ME what to do, she’s not been thru what I have!”) or
  2. That I am TOTALLY right on and somehow have the answers to all the problems. (uh, yea no.)

I personally think it’s interesting how it’s either one or the other, but isn’t that how we all usually operate? I’ve already experienced both of these responses since launching this website and I have been feeling at a loss as to how to face this.

So under the phrase “When you don’t know what to do… do nothing”. I’ve just sat still. I’ve let this fear to slow me down and what I want for this site.

But all along, my underlying desire was to connect with you all. To create a resource for people who are in the same place I was, less than ten years ago, and are really struggling to understand what their doing in their relationships. I’m attempting to create what I needed all those years ago. In order to do that, I knew I had to push past this fear that I would be seen as if I know NOTHING that I speak of or that somehow, I was an expert.

So for the record, it’s important I share this with you:

1. I do NOT have it all figured out. I am still learning about what does and does not work for me and my restaurant relationship.
2. Just because I’m sharing my thoughts / feelings /experiences/suggestions, does NOT mean that I think I know better than you.

*ahh, I feel better already.

Going forward, I graciously ask you to remember what I’m sharing now when I write. I have so much I want to share, but I am sincere in my intentions and want nothing more than for you to find something that will help you find your worth. *and maybe get a laugh would be a bonus.

It took a LONG time for my husband, Peter, and I to get to where we are today, and hey, we’re STILL evolving! We don’t have children yet, and from what I hear from many of you, it can VERY challenging being the SOLE caretaker while dealing with the fact that their always at the restaurant (I keep hearing that it’s like being a single parent and that’s scaring me a bit). It brings me peace to know there are SO MANY of you I can lean on when/if that time comes.

At the same time, what I DO know is that this is NOT a usual type of relationship. It has a different set of parameters and most people have NO idea what it’s really like. I almost obsessed to understand what kind of person I am at my core that thrives in this type of relationship. Understanding who we really are at our core, I believe, helps us feel rooted to where we are in our surroundings,and therefore,  in our relationships. Sometimes it helps having someone hold our hand as we seek to gain that understanding. A presence, telling you you’re not alone, that you CAN do it and that you are STRONG.

It is my purpose, my calling ,to be that person, when and if you ever find yourself wondering if you have what it takes to make it in this type of relationship. Not as someone who knows more than you, but someone who wants you to feel PROUD that you CHOSE to be with someone who is also driven, passionate (almost obsessed) and BONUS….whose plight is to make others lives more delicious.

*THANK YOU for allowing me to share.

Didn’t read Part ONE yet? That’s okay… here it is.