You are browsing the archive for Coping.

Resentment: Part One

April 13, 2011 in Coping, Life, Relationships

Relationship Difficulties from Buquad

Pretty sure we’ve ALL been there…

The nights when just you have SO much to say but you’re either too tired, too furious….or just tired of saying the same thing – over and over. So you just sit there… stewing.

Oh yea… big ‘ol resentment rears it’s huge ugly head at some point in everyones life.

If it’s not your other half.. it’s your parents, siblings or friends.

And my darlings~ being with someone in this industry lends itself to the potential of habitual resentment formation.

So many of you wrote about feeling resentful that while your husband/boyfriend, girlfriend or wife is out living the life, cooking and creating and well… having fun on their days off,

YOU are home with the grocery shopping  and taking care of the babies and walking the dog. Let me first ask you….

How does this resentment show up in your life?

How does feeling resentment affect your health?

Where do you hold this resentment in your body?

Have you ever given this some thought?

It might surprise you to hear that medical studies are now beginning to show that holding those feelings inside us, over an extended period of time, actually breaks down our biological makeup and can create Disease. Our thoughts are powerful energy forces; empowering us to create great change, or on the opposite spectrum, creating a vaccuum of inaction, or low or no movement within and around us. (If you’re interested in learning more, email us at blog@marriedtoachef.com for a list of resources) . Break down the word disease into two words

dis-ease = a body that’s not AT ease.

Keeping our feelings inside may actually cause us physical pain.  

It has been my mission for as long as I can possibly remember to expose what our THINKING does to our physical health. So here at Married to a Chef; we are going to take resentment as one example of a pressure cooker emotion and explore ways in which we can RELEASE it~ if ONLY so that it no longer resides within you.

What is the MESSAGE you tell yourself when you are feeling resentful?

  • “He/She is just not listening to me… must mean that they do not care what I’m staying.”
  • “Why do I have the be the one that does everything (around the house)… maybe they think their job is just TOO important to help out”
  • “The fact that they do not see me struggling has to mean that I’m not as important to them as they are to me!”
  • “When am I going to have MY turn to be carefree? To live out MY dreams?”

 
How familiar are these messages to you? How does it feel to read these scenarios of messages that we tell ourselves, OVER and OVER again. It’s like actually taking a whip and whipping ourselves for somehow not being good enough or feeling WORTH enough to be important.

Let me tell ya my dear sisters and brothers of Restaurant Other Halvedom…. there IS another way!!! ***

{{{WELL… WHAT IS IT, FOR GOODNESS SAKE???}}}

Okay okay! I’ll tell ya!

But first, let me ask you… WHERE did you get the ideas that you weren’t important or that you weren’t good enough or that you had to do EVERYTHING in order to feel like you had a say in your relationship/family?  They had to come from SOMEWHERE… right?

 – Maybe your mom told you that you weren’t going to receive your allowance if you didn’t do everything on your list.

 – Maybe that one time, during the soccer game when the coach took you out and didn’t tell you why.

 – or Maybe, it was when that guy you really wanted to date – stood you up and left you at the restaurant all alone.

YEP~ these events shape our experiences but most often – they are the STORIES that trigger the messages we tell ourselves to keep ourselves feeling safe… feeling NORMAL! (ugh, how I detest this word)

You are worth it even WITHOUT the need to create these triggers. YOU ARE SAFE!

DID’JA HEAR THAT MY LOVELIES??? WITHOUT THESE STORIES!! (I know.. easier said than done.. I know)

whew… when you break it down… find out the story BEHIND the message… and ask yourself HOW TRUE is this story affecting your life NOW….it doesn’t seem so powerful, does it?

The messages you are telling yourself when your restaurant man or woman is out doing what he wants with his life is NOT the message HE wants you to receive! That is the message YOU are telling yourself (also called COPING MECHANISMS)

WELL, HOW ARE THESE COPING MECHANISMS WORKING FOR YA, HUH? (my guess, not so good)

okay, let’s check in… how are you doing?  How new is this information to you? What feelings are coming up now as you read this? Whatever it is.. HANG ON!! it’s good information, I promise! Keep going!

PART of the “OTHER way” of doing things is  to REFRAME the messages you tell yourself so that they don’t come across like you have no worth.

(KEY: It’s going to take stopping yourself from letting these negative messages keep rolling on.)  Say to yourself (in the midst of another Negative Snowball rolling down the mountain) …

STOP (insert your name here)!!! I am telling myself this message to make myself feel better. WHERE does this story come from?

If you can stop yourself IN THE MOMENT and figure out where the STORY came from that delivers the message.. you will BREAK the negative energy that keeps you feeling without any power.

How willing are you to give this a try until next week when I will give you some more information and can take it a step farther with you?

COME ON… I’LL DO IT WITH YOU AND WE’LL BOTH KNOW THAT WE’RE NOT THE ONLY ONES FIGURING OUT THE STORY BEHIND THE MESSAGE!

Next week – I want to talk to you about how you EMPOWER yourself once you find out what that story is…. and then you are one step closer from catching yourself when you feel even a twinge of resentment and can REPLACE those messages with something that will make you feel happy, and ALLOW you to SURRENDER to the unknowns of life.. Live happy amongst the uncertainty!!! HOW DOES THAT FEEL?????

oh and sorry to say but if you are living IN the world.. the possibility for resentment to rear it’s ugly head will come up… it’s part of being a human. The trick is to unlock the chain that keeps you feeling stuck. And people.. I’m here to give you the KEY!!!!

Until next week.. remember to STOP!!!! and ask yourself where the story comes from that explains the message you tell yourself.  (I give yourself permission to say, out loud STOP!!.. no matter where you are… the grocery store, softball practice, trying on a new skirt at the mall.. wherever)

I know you can do this.. (I know I can do this!) Do you? 

***IMPORTANT NOTE: In NO way, shape or form have I – resident ‘Living by Allowing’ Life Coach Kerilyn Russo mastered what I am sharing here. (I wish!) It’s something that I too, am working on – night and day. I am still working on understanding just how my own negative repetitive thoughts affect my physical body, my relationships and my overall level of happiness. TRUST me…we’re in this together, my people.

FINALLY: IF you are interested in receiving an email when I post our next blog post, underneath “stay connected” on the bottom of the website, click on SUBSCRIBE BY EMAIL (I know theres a lot of places to sign up!) 

adjust yourself

March 5, 2011 in Coping

from Jen at Bits of Truth

Ain’t this the truth?

Life changes. Fast. We wake up each morning never truly knowing what we’re going to encounter. Wake up in a foul mood and then by the afternoon, you get some good news and suddenly you’re walking with a pep in your step! Or (boo) It could be the other way around… Wake up with a bluebird on your shoulder and by the end of the day you want to pull the covers over your head and demand a re-do. Ever have those kindsa days?

We’d bet a million dollars that you have. Like heading out to sea on calm waters and once you drop anchor, a storm comes in and you’re being tossed around. We never know what’s going to happen, and how we will handle it, until it does.

Same goes for our relationships. At every step of our life, we are constantly adjusting our desires and expectations to match our inner knowing of what direction we want to head. Making adjustments in that direction whenever new information comes in. In the evolution of being with your restaurant man or woman (yes, even if you’re married for 10 years with 3 children), we are constantly finding out more and more about our other half, discovering WHO they are as their life evolves and how we play a part in the direction their heading. This fact finding mission never ends. Who they are as a boy/girlfriend will shift as they become a husband or wife. Your spouse will DEFINITELY change when he/she becomes a parent. Priorities change. Our environment changes. Heck, YOU change and your other half will adjust to that change.

Who you were in the beginning of your relationship has changed. Even if it’s been just a few weeks or a few years. You’ve learned more, experienced more (perhaps grown more?) You have been made aware the difficulties that arise from being connected to someone in the restaurant industry. That information has helped you make decisions and from those decisions, actions are made. Can you handle it? Perhaps not? (Action: Stop here) Absolutely, Lets go! (Action: Collect $200 and pass go), Well, I’m not sure (Action: wait until you have more information)

With every decision you make, you are adjusting your sail. How do you feel about that?

Where do you want to go from here? What would happen if you TRULY began believing that YOU have the power to adjust your sail.. and make a decision that will affect the course in which you are heading. Being connected to someone in this industry; we know a lot of information up front (or relatively so) They are not around when most are, they’re most likely very passionate about what they do, they’re probably spontaneous and on the fly. This is good information, yes? What decisions you make with that information will lead you in one direction or another.

You are not at the whim of the wind. You can, right now.. take action with the information you have. And in that action is where your power lies. No decision you make is wrong or bad. It just leads you to a different trajectory.

Life will always give us surprises. Ups and downs. New challenges to meet and overcome. It’s up to us to remember that whenever those changes come.. we are not trapped. But powerful enough to know when to make adjustments.. and sail on.

Whew! Now the real work begins!

February 16, 2011 in Coping

from Jen at Bits of Truth

Welcome lovelies…

We’re so glad you are with us. See, we KNEW the need was there. We are OVER THE MOON that all our hard work was worth it!!! Please make yourselves at home here!

So….with that said; how was your Valentines Day? End up solo… sitting on the couch watching TV? Maybe go out with a single girlfriend to his restaurant or stay home with your children? I’m sure most of you had some variance between these… and, if you were able to be with your man/woman that day… consider yourself lucky! *my husband surprised me by coming home around 9:30 that evening. I wasn’t expecting him in till at least midnight!*

That’s the thing.. it’s not a ‘typical’ relationship we’re in. We find that out quickly from DAY ONE. The holidays and the weekends. The long hours. We find out QUICK if this is something we can maneuver around. (alright let me clarify, we may find out quick what it’s like, but most of the time it takes a good while to understand if this works for us, wouldn’t you say?)

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that YOU (the 9-5’r whose skirting the outskirts of your other halfs world) are the one in the relationship who needs to know whats happening at all times. I wouldn’t go so far as to say you’re a planner but who knows.. maybe you are. That’s the thing about this type of relationship, these men and women that are connected to us… they are PASSIONATE and LIVE in the moment! Living life ‘on the line’ means dishes come and dishes go and within 3.5-5 minutes.. it’s over. It’s time to move on to what’s next. If that philosophy sounds like Japanese to you, TRUST me you are NOT alone. Many of us significant others are the ‘back of the house’ in our relationships for a reason! We keep them tethered to the ground! *and they need this grounding, whether they realize it or not.*

To the same degree.. we need them to help us know when to LOOSEN our grasp from that tether. To have permission to let our hair down and realize it’s going to be okay!

Sound familiar?

Not as easy at it seems at times, I know. That’s okay, that’s why we’re here!

Let me ask you a question.. I want you to remember the last time that you did something ‘on the fly’. Pick up and go. Maybe you decided to take a road trip to surprise a girlfriend. Maybe you thought ‘I want to go see this movie, I’m just going to go now!’ Maybe (ooh this one I think resonates with all of us) you were at the store, found something you loved and just KNEW you had to buy it. How did that feel? Close your eyes and visualize how it felt to just BE in the moment. How did it change your day, even that moment you were in?

THAT is what your significant other feels most of the time. He or she cannot look with too much foresight because when the dish is gone.. it’s gone! That’s why they’re so wound up whenever they get home… they’re coming home on the wave that just got them thru the past 10-12 hours. What a RUSH!

How does knowing that, shift how you can relate to them? How can you bring that philosphy into your life more, to live in the moment more? Maybe show your other half that you can too, live in the moment perhaps? (You just choose not to live there permanently.)

For the record~ it’s okay if what you feel when you think of that spontaneity is fear. That’s all that you’ve been taught for as long as you can remember. “Don’t touch that, you can’t do that.. you’ll (get hurt,be irresponsible,lose your job,etc..).” It’s okay if you’re feeling that.. I give you permission to push PAST that for the moment and spend the next few minutes diving into the pool of living on the fly….

Makes you want to go out and do something fun, doesn’t it? What’s stopping you?