It’s time – PART TWO.

February 7, 2013 in Coping, Expectations, Favorites, Fears, Life, Relationships

Before you dive in, read here.  And if you haven’t read PART ONE yet, DO HERE.


I hope so. Hopefully you are really beginning to GRASP how NOT CRAZY you are.

It’s NOT EASY being connected to someone in the industry.

All the things you are feeling, the REASON why you’re not crazy is because MOST of us are right along with you!

I wanted you to fully soak in a whole post where you could go to when you needed a reminder.

You are NOT crazy, nor are you the only one feeling the way you do.

*Reminder – there are always exceptions to the rule.


We’re never going to move from the place of always feeling resentful (and crazy) if we are not willing to look at why it is.

WHY do we feel crazy when our other half seemingly behaves so unaware?

What’s BEHIND these feelings?

We can’t just go ahead and continually blame them for doing what they do, without understanding what’s going on within us to create such frustration/anger/sadness,etc…

WE are responsible for our own choices… our own actions (and inactions)


NOT helpless.

WE decide what does and doesn’t work for us, right?


I mean they are only ONE PART of the relationship, right? It takes TWO to meet in the middle, right?

It can’t be that it’s JUST their fault and that’s it.

So I ask myself, when inevitably some of the statements from PART ONE ring true for me…

WHY am I accepting this?

Why am I choosing to let this continue, without changing course or direction?

What is BEHIND why I’m continuing to experience frustration and not peace?

As uncomfortable as it is, how willing am I to really look at what’s causing ME to be frustrated, in order to release myself from it?

How willing are you?

As I was recently researching a hypothesis about WHY they do what they do, I’ve discovered The Peter Pan syndrome , a phrase coined by psychologist Dr. Dan Kiley about typically men who choose not to grow up, stating:

“The Peter Pan Syndrome (PPS) describes men, who are childlike in their relationships, their ability to handle responsibilities, and their pursuit of pleasure. “He’s a man because of his age; a child because of his acts. The man wants your love, the child your pity. The man yearns to be close, the child is afraid to be touched. If you look past his pride, you’ll see his vulnerability. If you defy his boldness, you’ll feel his fear”

The other side of the coin in that scenario is something I found quite eye opening and shocking to me. – The Wendy Dilemma.

“The Wendy Dilemma describes women who are very dependent upon their mates in a special way. They mother their mates, treating them like immature children. It is not uncommon in my practice for these women to state, “I feel like I have four children, instead of three, because I have to treat my husband just like one of the kids.”

Wow, right?

It’s SO EASY for us to see how our significant others might not want to grow up, but SO challenging to see why they feel it’s okay to do that.

I mean, we’re calling a Spade a Spade here, right?

When we understand what’s BEHIND the reason we get frustrated and angry, feel sad and alone, we have a much greater chance for liberating ourselves from it and creating a new way of being.

Why am I mentioning this?

I mention these two hypothesis’ to help us not feel so ALONE, when really what we want is to understand what is really going on.

Especially if this has been happening for years, right? Most likely in our frustration isn’t just about what they’re doing, it’s about not understanding WHY they’re doing it and WHY it affects us so.

For me, finding this information has been like turning on a light, for myself, my relationship and as the captain of this ship. As a coach, I’ve always understood that there is motive and reasoning behind everything we do, that it’s always about the cause and not the effect, but HERE… it’s explained so clearly that it can no longer go ignored or misunderstood.

  • You’re NOT crazy but you might be feeling like you are because you don’t understand.
  • You’re NOT crazy but until you really look at what’s BEHIND what’s causing you pain, the crazy will be all that you see and feel.
  • You might be feeling CRAZY cause you know that somethings going on here but can’t put your finger on it.

What do I do now?

Honestly, whatever you want. YOU have the choice. You can use this information to find some sort of peace within yourself, a confirmation that you’re NOT crazy; maybe you can continue to do your own research to help you understand the concepts behind these philosophies, or you can partner with a professional coach or therapist who can help you move forward to help liberate you from what holds you back from THRIVING in your restaurant relationship.

Or nothing at all.

Maybe these two possible explanations do not ring true for you at all, only you know.

Either way, I still maintain that you are not CRAZY for feeling the way you are, that there IS a reason behind why this is the way it is.

It’s totally up to YOU to discover what that is.

How do you feel? Care to share in the comments? Did this FREE you or frustrate you even more?

It’s time – PART TWO.


    1. […] Married to a Chef | Blog | It's time – PART TWO. […]

    2. Heather says:

      I’m totally a Wendy, but I’m also completely okay with that. This post didn’t frustrate me, because I’m a Wendy, because I choose to be. Being married to my chef is far from easy at times, but I choose to be in this marriage.

      I find marriage to a chef very liberating. I am married, but I don’t have a spouse constantly underfoot. I live my life and he lives his. We come together on his days off and a few minutes a day. I have a lot of freedom in my marriage to be who I want to be without lots of judgement from my spouse. He is the Peter to my Wendy, but we both do just fine on our own, too.

      • I CANNOT tell you how I was totally doing a happy dance reading your comment, Heather. I LOVE that you know it’s a choice. When we know that we’re making a CHOICE… we come from a VERY powerful place. To me, understanding that I’m a Wendy just helps me understand my BALANCE with my husband, in both the good and the not so good. I too, find my marriage liberating for the same reason you mentioned. Seriously, thank you. You just made my day. 🙂

    3. thank you for sharing this!! I know and acknowledge what I signed up for, but sometimes the going gets tough. I really like the liberty and space it awards me but sometimes it could be frustrating that it’s always on his schedule and when it becomes all about him. We’ve worked through many hurdles and I find that communicating right, i.e positively without the yelling and accusations and negative words, creates a more effective way of communication. like could you please… instead of “why didnt you?”

      • Hey there Juliana! I’m SO glad this post resonated with you. I TOTALLY hear you, it’s sometimes challenging to see how this is not totally on his terms, and how we are always bending to accomodate their schedule and around their… “sensitivities”. (Trying not to be mean). For me, I find it necessary to remind myself about WHY I picked such a person in my life. For me, I take life WAY too seriously, and I find his jovial, and sometimes ‘fly by the seat of his pants’ attitude toward life something that I NEED in order to keep me from dissappearing into the abyss of seriousness. That said, his way of doing things is NOT in my nature so of course it rubs on me sometimes. (okay a lot of the time) That’s why I need to constantly remind myself about WHY I need his type of person in my life… even when it’s hard to lighten up and see. 🙂

    4. sam says:

      This blog and several other posts of yours have had me bawling for the last two hours. I KNOW, I’ve KNOWN the whole time (5 years now- unmarried) that I was my Peter’s Wendy… But I’ve never said its OK. I don’t think I CAN ever say, and truly feel that its OK. And that really sucks. Thank you for reminding me (because saddly I’ve had a therapist say similar things to no avail) that its not in my head, that I am not being unreasonable in feeling what I do. I feel that the only Wendys who could ever last (till death do us part) in this type of relationship are those who are truly selfless. Ones who are able to remove themselves from their needs as a woman in love with a man. I don’t think I could call that type of relationship a true partnership, at least not for mine specifically. I define partners as two more or less equally contributing halves. Your mentioning of need has me so heartbroken because I know how much he needs me and why…but I need him more than he has to give, as a classic “Peter”.

      Thank you for your heart felt, bluntly honest writing.

      • Kerilyn Fox says:

        Hi Sam… I’m so sorry this post (and others… eek) made you upset. I ASSURE YOU… I wrote it as MY OWN QUEST to understand why I am in the relationship I’m in. I’m saying this because this is me! I’m Peters Wendy too! (Sadly or happily, my husbands name is actually Peter) – It’s not a BAD thing to know this… it can actually be a really empowering thing… a starting point to really discover how to take care of YOU… while you are intuitively giving to him. This is our work. It’s the difference between surviving and Thriving. I’m always here if you ever want to work, one on one. – email me – Happy Valentines Day! I hope YOU have something fun planned for yourself, darlin. 🙂

It’s time – PART TWO.

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