Whose voice are you listening to anyway?

November 18, 2012 in Life

*before you begin, read this.

For just a moment, I want you to look REALLY HARD at your restaurant relationship.

An objective, telescoping look, okay?

If I were talking to you right now, and I asked you to tell me how you felt about your relationship, I KNOW you’d know where you felt really happy (read: safe and secure) and where you feel frustrated. (read: uncertain, misinformed) You’d probably start off with a few things you like “I like that he/she is so passionate, that I do get a decent meal from time to time” but those moments of satisfaction quickly turn to the few topics that are RED HOT buttons for you. The things that set you off, and have you reeling for days, weeks… even years.

It’s common for the scale to always tip in the direction of what we don’t like vs. what we do.

It’s challenging to keep that smile on our face when we’ve said the same thing to our other half… OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

And still nothing changes.

It’s that broken record that we hear in our head that keeps us focused on what we DON’T have, vs. what we do.

You know that record? *I know you do.

After time, it’s as though it’s almost ALL we see, no longer seeing the happy happy joy joy things. When everything we do see that is good is marred by these few things that remain unresolved in your life, usually waiting some outside interactions or interjections.

And after a while, even you know that this is getting out of control but you don’t know how to get off the ride.

So dizzying. Whew.

Get me OFF this ride.

I have heard this scenario played out, time and time again, from my fellow significant others who do not know how to “fix” the things that they want desperately to shift, especially when it involves participation from their beloved.

Maybe you are in this cycle right now. I know all of us have been at one time or another. *raises hand.

I was just talking to a client about this very subject. I asked her why she was so upset at her chef husband.

She said that the reason why she was upset was because he “should” be doing these things.

That they “should” be somewhere besides where they were.

She was in that spinning spinning mode where she could not see anything else besides what is upsetting her.

She had very good reasons and examples of WHY they “should” be where they should be… and how by his not participating in getting there, means that he doesn’t want what she does. And therefore they’re not compatible and BAM… she goes to how this relationship is doomed.

Sound Familiar?

Then I asked her who told her where they “Should” be.

She couldn’t tell me.

Well, that’s not true. She told me that it came from a hunch inside. That her gut told her that she was not progressing.

Hmm… I asked her to look at her gut. Really look at it.

I asked her to tell me what he gut sounded like? You know what she said?

Her mother.

Her gut response was in REACTION to what she has heard her mother tell her.

Upon further exploration, we found out that everything felt was a success in her life was a direct relation to whether her mother would approve. Same goes with what isn’t satisfactory.

Her mother would not be happy, so SHE cannot be happy.

When she realized this… her whole energy shifted. She realized that she hasn’t been living her OWN life.. She’s been living her mothers.

Can you IMAGINE what your like would look like if you ONLY listened to what YOU wanted to do, instead of all the CONDITIONING that we hear from the voices of our life?

Heavy stuff.

There’s the rub….

Most likely if you were to really listen to your inner voice, most likely it will be folded in with all the voices in your life telling you what you should or shouldn’t do. Oh you know them, they’ve probably become like the bickering sibling to the authentic voice that is your own.

  • “He/She SHOULD be home at night to tuck the kids in.”
  • “You shouldn’t be the only one taking care of the house.”
  • “Why are YOU the one that has to make all the sacrifices?”
  • “I don’t think it’s fair that you’re alone so often.”
  • “You’re not getting any younger… when are you going to (buy a house/settle down/have children)?”

What does your OWN voice say? Do you even know?

What does listening to your OWN voice even feel like?

Usually you can feel the difference in your gut… in your mind and in your heart when you’re listening to your AUTHENTIC voice and when your not. A lightness or a sense of fresh air comes into our awareness when we make decisions based on what works best for US.

Ask yourself: Are you really OKAY with the way things are in your restaurant relationship, but because the voice of someone who has influenced you is ringing in your ear, you feel pressured to make things the way they tell you they SHOULD go?

We’re NOT like regular 9-5’r relationships. Most likely, the voices in your head of those loved ones who genuinely want the best for you, operate by rules followed by those who have spouses with regular working hours and availability.

They don’t understand and you know, that’s okay. It’s OKAY if they don’t understand. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.

How to begin deciphering if it’s your OWN voice or the echo of someone else?

First off it takes a bit of practice so it’s good you know that ahead of time. That other voice has become so entwined that separating it will be like separating siblings when you want them to get to bed. (Read: Not always a pleasant experience)

Simply put: The voice of your authentic self wants you to be HAPPY. It’s simple, yes or no. It doesn’t want to complicate things. It wants you to be at peace. It wants you to listen to your dreams. It wants you to RELAX. Take a break. Enjoy life. *I know, it’s hard to believe this at this point.

The voice of those around you, want things to be complicated… HARD… “Anything worth having has got to be HARD.” If you listen to that voice you’ll ALWAYS feel like your sacrificing or that you have to fight to SURVIVE. It wants you to survive (not thrive) and will do everything it can to get you to make sure that happens.

PRACTICE asking the question, “Whose voice am I listening to right now?”

It might feel silly at first but I promise, with a little practice you’ll start to FEEL the difference. Ask, “Is this ME or is this your ____________ (insert voice relationship here)?”

*OH… here’s the thing. It’s NEVER going to go away. The other voice. It will ALWAYS be there. It will NEVER go away. That outside voice is a part of ALL of us. We have to learn to know the difference because let me just say now… it’s not going anywhere.

I personally believe if you’re willing to dedicate some time to your practice of this, it will become more natural to be aware of whose voice your listening to and can possibly start to make decisions based on what works FOR YOU… not what you SHOULD be doing right now.

Especially as we go into the week of Thanksgiving, when the voices of those around you are louder in your head, try to remember to take a moment to ask you who are you listening to.

Wishing you a HAPPY Thanksgiving! I am grateful for you.

*I’d love to hear how this goes for you, write a comment below and let me know what you’re discovering.


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