The number one reason why you’re upset ALL THE TIME.

November 28, 2012 in Expectations, Life

Let me first say that OF COURSE we do this… we don’t have any other example of what OUR kind of relationship looks like, so we default to what we see… what we know.

You probably didn’t even know there was another way of creating the rules. You probably seamlessly saw, from the movies, your parents relationship and the daydreams of little girls everywhere, what a “normal” relationship looks like and that, my dearies, is what you are holding your relationship up against.

It’s why you are feeling what you’re feeling now.

Square peg in round hole.

Doesn’t fit, right?

But boy, don’t we keep trying to make it fit. Watch a child attempt to do this and in no time, he or she either gives up or goes into nuclear meltdown mode. That’s probably how you’ve felt. Seeing all your family and  close girlfriends with their boyfriends and husbands, girlfriends and wives help cook dinner in the evenings, go grocery shopping, be around to mow the lawn on the weekends and even though they might not enjoy it, knowing everyone is coming over to watch the Superbowl at their house.

How many times have you had a nuclear meltdown because you couldn’t make it fit?

There’s the rub…. *are you sitting down?

It’s NOT going to fit. Ever.

I know that you want what you see with your girlfriends (or your brother/sister) in 9-5’r relationships. I know you want some semblance of the vision of the American Dream (or wherever you are in the world) of a spouse, a house, 2.5 kids and a dog. (Caveat: There are always exceptions to this vision)

As long as you are connected to your man or woman who connected (most likely at the hip) to the restaurant industry, you can come CLOSE to this dream, but darlin’, it’s NOT going to match your expectations.

You are going to attempt to beat him or her into this round hole and the end will be YOU BEING THE ONE UPSET.

*We ALL do this. You, ME and our fellow significant others reading this.

It’s TIME to put down the square peg, pick up the round one and find a way to CREATE NEW RULES that actually WORK.

Does this make sense?

Even if you’ve been with your restaurant man/woman a while, the ease to which we instinctively compare what WE have to what we see around us is apparent.

It’s why the phrase GRASS IS GREENER is in existence.

All of us, whether we’re aware of it or not, is unconsciously taking mental notes of what our life is “Supposed to” look like.

We create expectations based around what we think it “should” look like and end up having a breakdown when it doesn’t meet up with the image we’ve been holding onto for so long. Like the square peg in round hole.

We see what’s “out there” and think to ourselves that’s what it has to be for us as well.

Here’s an easy example: I know for me, when I was single, ALL I wanted to be was in a committed relationship (because I SAW where I thought I was “supposed” to be, and now that I’m married… I have my moments when I find myself daydreaming about what life would look like if I was untethered. (Usually revolving around money and geographic location)

The thing is… this unconscious/subconscious look book creation of what our life is “supposed” to be is NOT going to end.

  • When we’re dating our restaurant man/woman to when we’re married.
  • When we’re married and about to start our family.
  • Whether we’re feeling successful in our career and in our bodies or not.

It’s always up against what we “should” be doing. It’s going to go from one subject to the next.

On and on.

We will ALWAYS need a reminder that it doesn’t HAVE to be that way.

We will ALWAYS need to check into our current set of rules and see if they’re currently working for us.

If they are not, then it’s time to do some adjusting.

And here is a secret… it doesn’t have to be hard. Creating new rules for you doesn’t have to be this horrendous feat. It can be as simple as getting out a piece of paper (Actually, why don’t you print out this sheet I created HERE) and start creating NEW rules for yourself.

I promise you if you really start to look at the rules that you are currently working with, objectively consider whether NOT having them will lead you to a nuclear meltdown at one point or another and CONSIDERING how to adjust it so that it will work for you, it will bring you greater peace.

And while you’re at it, why don’t we start by saying a few statements to get us ready to write some new rules.

“Just because my restaurant relationship is different than those around me, DOESN’T MEAN that it’s not good.”

“Just because I’m not with (insert his/her name here) when everyone else is, DOESN’T MEAN there is something wrong with us.”

“I don’t have to do it the way that my (mother/father/girlfriends/sister/brother/in-laws/boss/co-worker) does/tells me I have to. I can make up my OWN rules at ANY time.”

This is YOUR relationship, YOUR life… what does and doesn’t work for you… you can change at ANY time.

QUESTION: What new rule do you want to create for yourself in 2013? Tell me below in the comments!

The number one reason why you’re upset ALL THE TIME.

3 Comments

    1. I keep finding new things on your site every time I go to it! 🙂

      Great reminder to not compare ourselves and our relationship with our chef to others! Thanks. 🙂

    2. Amy Matuza says:

      I compare my marriage with my chef/husband to other marriages a lot. Where it’s because another couples gets to go on a vacation and we can’t until we save more money, or because they get more date nights, or because maybe the other husband does random cute things for his wife…..I compare a lot. My husband is amazing, I love him very much, but if you’re human, then you will always find yourself comparing somehow. Anyway, I’m trying to stop! It’s hard! Love that I’m not the only one though.

      • Kerilyn Fox says:

        Hey there Amy! Thanks for your comment! It’s SO NORMAL that we naturally compare ourselves to 9-5’rs. I mean how can we NOT? It’s how most relationships around us operate, right? When I realized that I feel more depressed when I find myself looking at those relationships, is when I realized that when I remind myself that our relationships are NOT like 9-5’rs. When I remember that my relationship flows by different rules, is when I am able to no longer feel so alone. It’s actually EMPOWERING when I start to find rules that WORK FOR US. I highly recommend it. Start by saying it out loud…. “My relationship is NOT like 9-5’rs. It’s up to me/us to figure out what rules work for US!!” It really helps to say it out loud. 🙂

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The number one reason why you’re upset ALL THE TIME.

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