NO, you’re NOT crazy and there is NOTHING wrong with you.

August 21, 2012 in Coping, Everybody Else, Expectations, Fears, Life

Do me a favor – Before you continue reading – Read the title of this post again. OUT LOUD. *Come on… DO IT! I dare you.

I’m NOT crazy and there is nothing wrong with me.

Why? Because I know you are thinking this. Whether it’s every once in a while or even every day.

I know you are.

Why are you thinking you’re crazy? Let me see if this captures it…

  • Because you feel like a broken record, asking your restaurant man/woman OVER AND OVER AGAIN to help you get something fixed/cleaned/accomplished,etc… Shit, BE AROUND.
  • Because the statement, “you knew what you got yourself into” replays in your mind,  causing you to constantly doubt yourself.
  • Because your never feeling rested, because there’s always something ELSE to do.
  • Because you are angry with yourself that you are angry with your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend because you KNOW they’re not going to change.
  • Because you feel like, even AFTER being connected to him/her for YEARS – your family and close friends STILL do not understand why you “put up” with this.
  • Because you come home, after a day of work and see that the house is a mess because your Tasmanian devil of a restaurant man/woman did NOTHING to clean up after him/herself.
  • Because you are SO DAMN LONELY on a Friday or Saturday nite when he/she is working and EVEN THOUGH, YES…you have girlfriends you could call/things you could do… you’re still not doing what you want to do and that makes you SO SAD.
  • You know that the ONLY way that the groceries are showing up in the house.. is if YOU get them there. *Yes, I know there are a few exceptions out there on this.
  • Because you feel like you’re the ONLY one in the relationship who wants to find a way to regularly have sex. They’re working all these different hours, and you never can ‘connect‘ and he/she NEVER seem like it’s a priority to them. (uh, HELLO!)
  • Because your children don’t have the experiences that your friends husbands (9-5’rs) do.. weekend dates at the neighborhood pool, Chucky Cheese, playing ‘Tea Party with Daddy” and you feel this sense of RAGE that they’re not going to know what that’s like.
  • If you’re new to dating someone in the industry, you feel a strange sense of guilt that you’re hanging with your single friends when you’re restaurant man/woman is working.
  • You are on standby at the house/at their restaurant on the DAY BEFORE you’re supposed to leave for a VERY planned vacation to “see”  because he has just “one more thing to wrap up before I go”. Three hours later…. still no sign.

Need I say more? I THINK NOT. *actually, I could very well go on… but I think I’ve made my point.

Yea… let me tell you again. YOU’RE NOT CRAZY.

Here’s WHY:

Because up to now we have NOT had a voice. We have not had a chance to express OUR opinions, the good AND the not so good. Up to now it hasn’t felt BALANCED. Up to now, we’ve been in the shadows while their standing in the spotlight, right?

On TOP of that,  if the world knew that it was NOT all home cooked meals and VIP treatments at swanky restaurants (like it looks like on TV/magazines)… that their never home, are usually physically and emotionally spent when they are home and that in reality, there’s a high likely hood that some of us are struggling with chefs who are:

– workaholics – avoiding their family/friends, choosing to focus on work than on their responsibilities in their personal life.
– dealing with drinking/drug/infidelity problems

Commonly overindulging in the temptations that the restaurant industry brings. IF everyone KNEW that – the CREDIBILITY that the restaurant industry has been built on, would regularly come into conflict. And no one who is running a business wants THAT.

You do get that, right? Where your restaurant man/woman works IS A BUSINESS.

Investors, owners and possibly your own restaurant men/women want to succeed, to thrive – to open more restaurants and cast a wider net.

*maybe even become ‘famous’ in the process.

It makes no sense to expose the not so fun part of what it takes.

*More on this in an upcoming post.

Just think about it…

That’s WHY most people have NO idea what it’s like…

Why, when I tell regular folk, “Why would he cook at home FOR ME when his JOB is to cook for YOU?” I regularly get the response…

“OH, I never thought of that before.”

Why would they?

*The same goes for our fellow significant others who are connected to policemen, firemen, etc… – No one wants to hear what life at home looks like for them. They just want to know they will be there when needed.

So you’re NOT CRAZY when you ask yourself why you feel you can’t ever “get a grip” on the ins and outs of your restaurant relationship. Why you might be feeling like you’re always either CRYING or YELLING.

Give yourself a break.

There has not been, up to this point, a place to go, just for US. In the past few years, with the advent of us “regular folk” creating websites, there are now a dozen or so websites for us to VENT and find relief. *I thank my lucky stars for Hilarys Desparate Chefs Wives when I needed to find help.

SO… now that we have a voice.

Start using it.

When I say use it… I mean share YOUR experiences, (and don’t forget to share the good ones… we all like to focus on the not so good ones first)

  • Guest post here and share what your journey has been like
  • Meet a fellow Significant Other near you and commune
  • Figure out what YOU need and then make it happen (It’s the make it happen part that we get stuck… that’s why I’m here as your resident coach)
  • Create new RULES in your relationship (Who says you have to go by the ones already laid out for us)
  • Buck the system.

We are silent no more. Now the question is…

What are you going to do with your voice?

Finally, I know this might be hard to accept, with our try, try, try again mentality but

There is NOTHING wrong with you if (when) you feel like you are not strong/willing enough to ‘do’ this.

Nothing wrong with admitting that. I know… it pushes on us to think that if we are not strong, that must mean we are weak.

What if it doesn’t have to be all or nothing?

We’re figuring all this out as we go along, of course we’re going to have moments when we are unsure, stuck, lost and even scared.

Doesn’t mean you are weak. It just means you have something to figure out.

Take yourself OFF the hook for once.

So I’ll end here with a statement that I want you to say to yourself right now…Say it out loud a few times… until it sinks in your gut and becomes a bit more comfortable. {Oh come on…give it a whirl…}

Just because I feel overwhelmed/angry/unsure right now…. I know I still have what it takes. I know I will figure it out.

*You are not crazy and there is nothing wrong with you.

NO, you’re NOT crazy and there is NOTHING wrong with you.

7 Comments

    1. Erinne says:

      That was awesome! I needed that pick me up. I will probably have to come back to this post every now and again to push my reset button!! 😉

      • Hi Erinne – Apologies with my delay! I’m SOO glad you enjoyed that! Yes pleasse… do come back and remind yourself. It’s SO easy to get stuck in the blinders of life… we all need a moment to zoom out and look at the big picture! Hope you’re having a great day!

    2. Courtney says:

      Thank you. I love reading your blog. I see that you’re in the NoVA area too. We also live in the DC suburbs and have a two year old! Would you want to get together on a weekend sometime? Weekends are always the hardest for me. He literally works from Friday afternoon until early Monday morning. It’s miserable! Especially since I have to work during the week to make ends meet…

    3. Windsor says:

      I just found your website today and WOW have you nailed it! I’ve been talking with my sister a lot, who is married to a doctor and her best friend who’s husband travels all the time. It’s definitely similar but still not exactly the same as dating a chef. I’ve just been scared and stressed about our future and what I’ve gotten myself into. It’s nice to hear you speak so strongly about not being crazy for choosing this life 🙂 I hope a strong group of us can form in Atlanta!

    4. Laura says:

      SO many of these points where like reading my own story. My daily life, my inner thoughts. It’s kind of wonderful to see someone else write them down – makes me feel less like the ONLY chef’s wife who’s losing her mind. Thanks for this.

      • Hiya Laura! I’m so glad you felt relief! I assure you, you are NOT alone and because there has not been a voice for us, it makes COMPLETE SENSE that our frustrations and resentments have kept at bay for SO long! It’s time to let them OUT in order to see that we DO have what it takes to THRIVE in our restaurant relationships! 🙂

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