Clearing the air – A letter to my family and friends.

May 9, 2012 in Everybody Else, Family, Life

letters

Source: topit.me via shane on Pinterest

 

Dear Mom and Dad, sis, bro, Auntie, my Besties or any other friends or loved ones, worrying about me, asking/warning me about why I am in my restaurant relationship,

I get it.

I really do. You’re worried about me.

  • You hear about me being alone in the evenings and on weekends, NOT with my boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancee or husband/wife, and you’re worried that I’m lonely.
  • You see me making arrangements to come home for Thanksgiving  by myself, and you’re concerned that he/she doesn’t have the time to be with me.
  • You are always wondering “Where is (insert their name here)?” when it comes to getting together. You know, happy hours, concerts, picnics, cookouts, movies, birthday parties…celebrations.
  • You’ve heard that after my restaurant man/woman works a 10-16 hour day, they might go out for a few drinks and possibly get drunk and that makes you feel like they are not taking care of me. (or themselves for that matter)
  • You see how I am usually the one at home with the bebes, and you wonder “Where the hell is this guy/this woman when their family needs them at home?”
  • You can sense my frustration when you ask me what I’m doing this weekend with (insert their name here) when you know they are most likely working.
  • You know, that awkward moment between us when you want to say something but I already know what you’re going to say so one or both of us avoid the topic all together?

Yea. I want you to know, I know.

I wanted to send this letter to you so you know, that I know you’re worried about me.

Thank you for being concerned about me. It means a great deal to me. (Even if I don’t know how to express that to you)

I want to try to explain so you hopefully will feel better about why I am where I am.

I can’t promise that this will help ease all your worry, but will give you a sense that I know what I’m doing… even if it seems like I don’t.

There are three places I can be:

1. I just started dating someone in the restaurant industry and I am still figuring out if this is what I want, right now it’s fun and exciting.
2. I have been with my restaurant man/woman for a while now, am still not sure, but until I know, I am sticking around.
3. I am fully aware of the ups and downs of this type of relationship, I’m aware that I’ve accepted them all, (in good times and bad) and have no intention of going anywhere else. (in this instance, it’s usually “Till death do us part.”

Please read my response based on the phase that i’m in, so you can get a more specific answer to hopefully help you understand.

1. I just started dating someone in the restaurant industry… right now it’s fun and exciting.

I know it must look like I’ve lost my mind. This is definitely not the kind of relationship that you expected me to ever be in. Perhaps, it wasn’t mine either. (Or, if I have had any early experience with the industry myself, this kind of relationship might’ve been tempting to try out at some point and maybe that time is now.)

I understand why you’re worried. I do. This is something TOTALLY different than what most relationships look like, the hours we’re together, the type of job he/she has…it makes sense you’d be concerned. Yes, we don’t see each other often, but when we do, we have SO much fun! He/She takes me to all these amazing restaurants, I’ve eaten food I usually would NEVER consider trying (or affording), never mind he/she is SO connected to where to eat and the people who make it happen, that this MUST be what it’s like being one of the Rich and Famous! They are SO passionate about what they do that its contagious! It makes me want to find something I feel passionate about myself!

I’m also learning the not so fun part too. He/She is usually so busy at the restaurant, that as you’ve heard, I can feel lonely at times. (I know.. hearing me feel lonely is why you’re worried about me.) I miss him/her when I don’t get to see them on the weekends, and we don’t actually talk much because when he/she is at work, because they are usually being pulled in so many directions. I won’t lie, it does cause arguments sometimes, because it’s so easy to feel like I’m not important. I try to tell him/her how it makes me feel, but I’m not sure he/she gets it because they seem to always be needed at the restaurant. Because of this, I’m learning that:

a) Because I too, am such a busy person… with my girlfriends, my job and my active social life, that it’s actually kinda nice, being able to do what I want to do on my own time, focusing on myself, and can still hang out with my girlfriends without feeling guilty OR

b) I don’t really like always being on my own. It definitely has it’s moments, but I’m realizing that I might want to be in a relationship with someone who will be around when I’m available.

Either way, I’m still not sure if I want do do this long term, it’s still too soon to tell, but for the most part, I’m having fun. I’m learning a lot about myself and what I’m looking for (and not looking for) in a relationship, so for now, please don’t worry. You want me to go out there and do it all, well trying out different types of relationships is one way to do it. 🙂

2. I have been with my restaurant man/woman for a while now, am still not sure, but until I know, I am sticking around.

We’ve been together a while now, have settled into a groove. I know when I’ll see him/her and look forward to those moments. I love it when I’m able to support him/her, makes me feel like I’m a part of his/her vision. Yes, those lonely moments are still there. There are times when I don’t mind so much and others when I doubt whether we have what it takes to do this for the rest of my life. He/She have their shortcomings, as I do too… and like any couple, we work through them as they arise. The excitement of always going to different restaurants have settled down a bit, I have learned a lot about how the industry works, by hearing about it through his/her experiences… and still find it’s never a dull moment in the restaurant. At this point we:

a) have talked about what his/her future plans are and they seem to include me. There are definitely things I’d like to work on before we take it to that next step, but for now I like where things are and are excited to see whats to come! OR

b) don’t really talk much about what they want for the future, part of what I really like about them is their ability to really be in the moment. While that pushes on me sometimes because I like to know what I’m doing, I’m still learning a lot about myself and how I can maybe not worry so much about everything in the future. Taking it a day at a time.

Either way, like most couples, we have good moments and not so good ones (as I’m sure you do too), there are things I wished we had (a day off TOGETHER, for instance) and some moments that I will never forget (like how he/she rolls out the red carpet when I take YOU to go to eat at his/her place, remember that?) There are so many things I love about where we are, but I’ll admit, I’m still not 100% sure this is long term. It’s those tough times that show me our real strength or weaknesses. I really want to figure out whether I want this for the long haul, if I can deal with the tough times, before I decide to go anywhere.

3. I am fully aware of the ups and downs of this type of relationship, I’m aware that I’ve accepted them all, (in good times and bad) and have no intention of going anywhere else. (in this instance, it’s usually “Till death do us part.”

I don’t know if I can remember the specific moment or not, but it hit me… I am EXACTLY where I’m supposed to be in this restaurant relationship. I love him/her very much, I am absolutely aware of the ups and downs that the industry brings and feel I have what it takes to do this for the rest of my life. YES, I still don’t get to spend every evening/weekend together, but it’s actually not that as bad as I originally thought. I have learned to be self sufficient and work around his/her schedule in order to create moments for just us. I know he/she works really hard and I’m really proud to watch what he’s/she’s creating. I can see his/her dreams come true and I want to be a part of that. I’m not oblivious to the challenges either. I know I am/I’ll be the one doing most of the care taking as we begin to have a family, and:

a) I’m hopeful that with a little creative planning both in and out of his career trajectory, we can most likely carve out regular moments of special time – both together as a couple and as a family. I look forward to creating our own traditions and rituals (Yes, even around the holidays too. Thanksgiving might be officially and permanently rescheduled)

b) I have learned that in this industry, it takes lots of hard work, and persistence to make it. He/she is working so hard on his/her dream, and I fully support him/her. I am happy to be the one, standing on the sidelines cheering, while they work hard to make their dreams come true. I know that all their hard work will pay off and I want to be right there when they reap the rewards. I understand that YES… this is NOT the typical kind of relationship. If our relationship was a sport, we’d be a relay race than a football team. He/She does their thang and then it gets handed off to me. (Most of the world is used to the Football team mentality, everyone on the field at the same time.) And BONUS – He/she supports me in making my own dreams come true. He/She is MY number one fan in what I want to accomplish.  Together, with continued devotion and dedication, I believe we can have the best of both worlds.

All this is to tell you I NEED and WANT your support.

I know this relationship looks very different from how you live your life, the challenges, and goals/dreams are different too. I know there are challenges… things to work out and “get creative with”, but what, in life ISNT like that, right? Anything worth having involves putting some work into it, right? I just wanted you to know that I’m alright, that I APPRECIATE your concern when you hear the times when I’m not sure how to handle things and I want you to know I promise I’m figuring things out.

*BONUS – Now I have this AMAZING community here to help me when I’m struggling and celebrate with me in the monumentous moments! I know you might not completely understand where I’m at but TRUST ME – There are SO many significant others out there that understand and can relate to EXACTLY where I am. I KNOW I am not alone.

At the end of the day, what I’ve concluded is to ask myself “Who says what any relationship is supposed to look like/be like anyway?” Isn’t it up to each individual to craft what they want it to look like? It makes me excited to know I can learn to maneuver through the parameters of this relationship, reach out for help when I need it (And I promise I will) and enjoy the benefits when they come (and they will too!) Whether we’re together a few months or years or a lifetime… I want you to know I hear you and appreciate that you care about me, and I’m excited to see what’s to come! My wish is that you will be excited for me too!

In gratitude,
You’re loving sister/brother – daughter/son – niece/nephew- friend.

Clearing the air – A letter to my family and friends.

5 Comments

    1. Kat says:

      Thanks:)

    2. Holly says:

      What a relief! I stumbled on your website because I have been feeling crazy!! My beloved is sous chef at a luxury resort and just started in March. This is what he calls his “big boy job”, it is what I call his “scream cry and pitch fits job”. We have been married almost two years and together 4. We dated long distance which was great, it only seemed to hold the usual distance issues but we had a routine/schedule. He also ALWAYS had Sundays off so there was one day we could always connect. (BTW I’m an accountant, which is amusing because we are complete opposites in soooo many ways) However now his schedule changes A LOT and he has to do some travelling because the EC is featured at many food and wine festivals, “insert food here” events, etc. I get so mad at myself because I am trying to be supportive but I MISS HIM. Before this position he was sous chef at a small restaurant in our town and he had lunch so he was home by 5:30 – 6:00 and it was PERFECT! He also had Sundays and Mondays off. It was a dream for me, but he was miserable, and we both knew it. Now he is so happy with a job and I feel crazy because when he goes to work on Saturdays and Sundays he has two options, I cry or get mad and pick a fight with him. I am trying to find activities to occupy my time but there aren’t many activities for Saturday nights :(. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM! I know there is no one else in the world who I could be with but this freakin’ SUX!! I am so relieved to see that I am not completely out of my mind. Thanks for this!!

      • Hey there Holly! I’m so glad you found us! Please forgive me but I chuckle at your comment about how opposites you are – It makes COMPLETE SENSE you’re opposite. That’s what brings you BALANCE. If you think of a see saw, you both being on the same side would not have for an enjoying ride, right? SO many of us significant others are very much opposite than our restaurant men/women. I’m POSITIVE you bring things to the table that he wouldn’t even think of, and vice versa. Thats what pretty awesome about being in this type of relationship.

        Trust me you are NOT alone by feeling frustrated and a little angry at this big change that you both are going through with the advent of his new position. If I were to guess, you’re someone who can do the same thing.. over and over… and something spontaneous, that evokes quick adapting might be a challenge to you (Tell me if I’m warm or cold with this) It’s totally NORMAL how you’re feeling.

        Want to imagine with me a second? Imagine you’re reading the romance novel of your lives. You have been reading about this restaurant couple and how their madly in love and enjoying the good life! While he liked what he did, he aspired for MORE! (Turn the page) TA DA!!! An awesome opportunity came along that matched what he was desiring! YAY! Celebrating! Because she loved him so much and knew his heart was aching for more, she lovingly supported his decision to SOAR! Of course it takes a period of adjustment to create a new schedule, to “work out the kinks” so the beautiful woman in the story has a period of doubt where she asks herself “Where do I fit in?”… (what is she doing during this time in the story?) EVENTUALLY she figures out that just because their schedule changed, and things look a bit different… they can still have what they did earlier… she decides to get CRAFTY and finds and creates moments of sacred time where it feels like it did before AND…. (at the height of the suspense!) This gives her the time to focus on her OWN dreams and desires. Soon they will seamlessly weave in and out of each others lives, celebrating each others victories by doing what they love to do… at these new (and creative) moments they have created for their lives! The End.

        I hoped you liked reading that as much as I liked writing it. Question is – HOW can you get CRAFTY and find alternative ways to spend time with him…? Maybe he comes up with three ideas to stay connected!
        And while he’s working (Those Saturday evenings) How can you spend that time creating your own dreams… so you both are in sync with making your dreams come true?

        It’s TOTALLY normal that it might take a while to get your bearings.. change isn’t always an easy one for the linear, future oriented partner in a restaurant relationship…Go easy on yourself. KNOW that you WILL figure it out with just a little creativity!

        How do you want the next chapter, this chapter, of your romance novel of your lives to read?

        🙂 Kerilyn

    3. cara says:

      Can I just say that I am glad I found you as well??!? My husband is exec. chef and part owner and I feel like I’m dying sometimes. In fact, we moved in with my mom because I was tired of being alone ALL. THE. TIME. I know lots of people don’t have this option but we did so we did it. And we wouldn’t look back either. Sure we miss our own space but at the same time, I need company. I know he has a job to do but I thought I was strong enough and I’m not. Maybe in a few months we will be out on our own again. Who knows. But I’m glad I found you guys!

      • Hey Cara! I’m so glad you found us! It absolutely can be a lonely way of being in relationship. Congrats to you that you did what you knew you had to, to get the support YOU needed. The greatest feeling of being out of control, I feel, comes from not knowing, initially, what to expect in this type of relationship and then… once you do find out…how to handle it once you’re in it. I went to your blog… GO YOU! Way for taking a challenge (being the one whose always home doing the cooking) and making a positive change from it! So many of our fellow Significant Others can learn a thing or two from you! Thanks to YOU!

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Clearing the air – A letter to my family and friends.

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