The Cherry on Top. Value Number Three – ACHIEVEMENT

February 20, 2012 in Life, VALUES

From Beth at 'it is what it is'

*Before I begin…is this not the CUTEST idea EVER? answer: YES! Click photo to go to Beths website.

SO…. is any of this Value talk relating?

Is any of this making sense to you? Do you find your sense of independence something that’s VERY important to you? (Do you get upset really easily if you are alone on the regular?) Is the fact that your other half is totally opposite making you CRAZY or is it something that brings you peace? Yes. No? If so… care to SHARE? Why not mosey on down and write a comment? I’d love to hear your thoughts…

Todays VALUE is probably what immediately attracted you to your restaurant man/woman? It was this that creates a sparkle in his/her eye. It’s the OBSESSION, the DRIVE…the “doing what I gotta do” in order to feel this value. Either YOU have it yourself or you enjoy watching someone who has it in abundance.

I’m talking about ACHIEVEMENT.

It’s inevitable. To succeed in the restaurant industry you gotta have DRIVE. You have to have the WILL to keep up with the fast pace. This isn’t a career for those who want to sit all day. (NOT that there is anything wrong with that, ahem, that’s what most 9-5’rs do, including me) It’s most likely this sense of being good with their hands, and quick on their feet. It’s the sense of keeping their “Eye on the Prize” and not letting anything get in their way.

The restaurant moves fast. It’s a very reputation based industry. Always wondering if he/she have ‘what it takes’ to ‘make it’. I have NO idea to what degree they instill this trait (or weed out those who don’t have it) while still in culinary school, but those that leave school and start their first job on the line, learn VERY FAST if they have this trait or not. (and if they don’t, there is NOTHING *wrong* with that,ya hear me?)

We love to be near those that exhibit a sense of achievement.

ACHIEVEMENT is a VALUE that I think we’re either drawn to for ourselves or we find it very attractive in others.

It’s the reason why competition is attractive. Why we gauge our success or failure on how much we ACHIEVE. Who is the strongest/fastest/etc…? *My thoughts go to the Coliseum in Roman times with lions and bulls. The matador that lost, walked out alone and that who won… took home the girl.

Most likely, your restaurant man/woman has a STRONG sense of ACHIEVEMENT. They work hard, they work long hours and they don’t complain about it.

*I recently polled the significant others to see if their other halves ever complained about the long hours, 99% of them, not surprisingly, said NO.

They don’t complain because what’s driving them underneath it all is a strong sense of ACHIEVEMENT.

And you… either have that yourself or are their biggest cheerleader… standing on the sidelines, holding a sign…

You want them to ACHIEVE, to reach the pinnacle in the industry. Whether that’s…

  • owning their own restaurant
  • getting on TV
  • writing a cookbook

Let’s face it. Achievement is SEXY.

Its what makes the books full of reservations, people waiting in line to have their book signed, articles written, and what keeps people glued to who is going to be the next Top Chef. (for example) We all are attracted to it.

*And… we give ourselves permission to CELEBRATE when we ACHIEVE our goals. (See how this is all connected, ladies and gents?)

For a second, I want to talk more in depth, about the two ways in which WE partner with them in achievement.

1. WE have our own goals and dreams that we are working on.

We have our own dreams and it’s conducive to be with someone who is always actively working on theirs. As their partner, you pow wow with them, they relax that you are off, paving the way to the dreams and successes that you want for your OWN life. SO many significant others that I’ve talked with feel this type of relationship helps them feel less guilty, less SELFISH about working on their own goals. Having a partner that is driven to succeed only inspires him/her to work harder and since their other half is never going to complain about the long hours, work involved… this other half feels secured that their wife/girlfriend, boyfriend/husband KNOWS that they are being thought of and will come together again strengthened by what inspires them to ACHIEVE.

2. WE are their biggest FAN.

Maybe you haven’t figured out what IT is that you want to do with your life yet and until you do, you will use the WAVE of their own ACHIEVEMENT to help move your forward and feel inspired. It’s like just being around them and their desire to ACHIEVE allows you to continually feel ‘tapped into’ the energy that accomplishing something brings. Examples of how this shows up in our relationships are

  • Whether we’re alone or with friends, we’ll regularly go to the restaurant to eat to have a chance to see them so they’ll feel our support, whether we’re spending quality time together or not. *EVEN if we know we’ll see them for a minute or two. It’s the thought that counts.
  • We’ll help them with their dreams. If it’s having food they like at home so when they are off and yearning to make something, they’ll have the ingredients at hand.
  • We get the word out – If they have a cooking class, or are in a publication, etc… WE are right there.. telling everyone around us so they will know to support him too. News spreads and you take it upon yourself to get the word out as FAR REACHING as you can.
  • We go out of our way to let them know we support them and their sexy selves in their chef coats or 3 piece suits or cafe aprons…
  • WE voluntarily choose the short end of the stick sometimes – We sometimes put ourselves lower on the priority list when we see how what they’re doing makes them happy. That’s okay sometimes when we see them in the midst of a project and you can see the finish line ahead.

But we gotta be careful of continual SSS = short stick syndrome (I just made that up.. you like it? I do.)

The flip side to valuing ACHIEVEMENT is…


Yep. My guess is that par and parcel of wanting to achieve is this sense that that is the ONLY thing that’s to be focused on. It’s so easy for all of us to lose track of our surroundings when we are SO driven to reach our goal. Whether that is our health, our spirituality, our own personal development, our vision for a future family… it can be SO easy to miss out on what we’re missing. It’s like everything else gets blurry and the only thing in focus is that which we want to achieve.

For our restaurant men and women, it’s easy to lose track of whats around them, when they’re dropped in the middle of a speeding bus.. and they are the only one that knows how to steer it, what direction it needs to go, and where the brake pedal is. (Or, are resistant to teach someone else how to steer it OR hand over the steering wheel, which also happens a lot when one values ACHIEVEMENT) And.. if they have close friends in the industry, partners in a project, other restaurant men/women they collaborate with – that sense of achievement multiplies by association and it can be difficult to tear them away from that if they are joined with someone else.

And…you know what prolonged tunnel vision/SSS causes, right? (say it with me now…)


And, I already discussed with you that from my poll I took early on, this is the NUMBER ONE thing most significant others feel. See here and here. (Whether they keep it to themselves or share it is another thing.)

MARK MY WORDS – It inevitably comes out somehow.

Yep. It always goes back to resentment in the end, doesn’t it?

THIS is where BALANCE comes into play… and INDEPENDENCE and any and all other VALUES that speak to you. All these things are like ingredients in a recipe. At different times, the measures might change (like when having children.. we might not have but a pinch of independence but a LOT of balance) –  but we need to include these things and to keep working out when one needs a greater helping at times then at others.

Because you know what – my kindred comrades… if we STAY in RESENTMENT… our relationship is not going to thrive long term and like either a busted oven or a broken timer.. it’s going to end up BURNT AND EDIBLE and we’ll be past the point of wondering what we can do to salvage it.

Caveat: In NO way am I saying it’s realistic to say that resentment can completely be removed. It is what it is. It’s life. Sometimes. we want something and cannot explain or express to another person, to be on the same EXACT page as us, ALL the time. It’s MANAGING that resentment, digging down to the ROOT of what initially caused it, that gives way to a flow of wellness that allows for our relationships to thrive and grow.

SO… to wrap up – Achievement is something that most likely attracted you to your restaurant man/woman. It’s what makes restaurant owners open their second and third restaurant. What allows for collaborators to create restaurant groups. etc… What makes wineries create a new varietal. It’s that knowing that it’s going to get done.. no matter what it takes. We all have that desire to achieve in the fiber of our being… it’s when we can see achievement in action that it reminds us of our potential and sometimes is the impetus to create great things.

How does your own sense of achievement show up in your restaurant relationship? What’s the best part of achievement? What’s the worst?

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The Cherry on Top. Value Number Three – ACHIEVEMENT


    1. Hannah says:

      “Maybe you haven’t figured out what IT is that you want to do with your life yet and until you do, you will use the WAVE of their own ACHIEVEMENT to help move your forward and feel inspired.”

      This is so true for me in my relationship with my fiancee. We’re still very young but he’s known he wanted to be a chef for years. I, on the other hand, just graduated from college and thought I knew what I wanted but it fell flat in my very, first job. In a time where I’m hesitant to throw my passions into a new career path after my last one burned out so quickly and with a big move ahead of us, it’s hard to know what I want out of my professional life. My fiancee inspires me to find what he has and what I think I once had. Sometimes, I feel a little jealous (yes, I’ll admit it) and wish I had something to fill my life besides my love for him– just like he has cooking aside from me. But as I bide my time finding what my professional passion will be, I’m enjoying being his cheerleader and at the very least maintaining close contact to the passion I’m so desperately craving for myself!

      • Hey there Hannah – It makes COMPLETE sense that seeing your other half succeeding brings up feelings of “What am I going to do with my life?”and a smidge of jealousy. It’s only natural! That sense of passion is definitely contagious. We want to take a bite of whatever they have that’s propelling them forward. That jealousy can create resentment, long term, if we don’t do what it takes to find that sense of success. May I ask you a couple questions? What happened that caused you to feel like your new found career fell flat? What information did you or didn’t you have about finding success in your career when you began your job (what you went to college for) that when this experience of “falling flat” happened… left you feeling like you are at the drawing board? Switching it up – how does your beloved handle it when he has a let down at work? How does he handle having to readjust his trajectory? How would you feel if you handled your own search for your passion the same way? *That might not be realistic if you are opposite. I’m here if you ever want someone to help you go from where you are to where you want to be.

        • Hannah says:

          Hi Kerilyn,

          I devoted a vast majority of my time in the last two years of college to multiple internships in the book publishing business, including one at one of the big publishing houses in New York which led me to a job with the same company. To make a long story short, I was chewed up and spit out by a publishing executive who I was assistant to for two incredibly long months just last summer.

          I quit after realizing that the job was leading me to a very negative place. After jumping at the next job as a teacher to make money I’ve been happy in my new job but lack the passion for teaching that I still have for books. We’re moving soon out of New York and so my ideas of my future passions are constantly changing as our life continues to change.

          In answer to your other questions, when my fiancee is down at work he has an unbelievable ability to remain confident and secure, know that he is skillful and worthy of his position. He takes mistakes very seriously but can let them go in a way that I never can. He also makes mistakes very rarely as he has been in a super busy kitchen for four years now. What I wish I could do that he does is remain confident. I did have a year and a half of experience in publishing before that first “real” job and I was loved by my supervisors and did my editing and all other work quite well (if I do say so myself). I want to stop believing some of the terrible things that my former boss told me about myself (like I was never going to make it in the business, or just the ways in which she would insinuate that I was stupid by yelling at me to “think” or humiliating me in the middle of meetings in front of all of my coworkers).

          The other part of this, is that my fiancee and I are moving from New York right after our wedding at the end of June to Atlanta. Actually he’s leaving at the end of April, I’m leaving at the end of June (another big change!). Atlanta has fewer options for book publishing but does have some reading/writing/editing jobs that are somewhat appealing to me. But I get so nervous to actually even apply to any of them and, really, any job at this point, even in teaching, makes me question whether I can really do it, even though I KNOW I am smart enough, passionate enough, and just generally have a lot to offer a future employer, there is also a part of me that just balks at the last minute.

          Thanks for listening.


    2. […] to make their dreams come true, whether that’s to be the best mother you can be, or to find ACHIEVEMENT in your career, just as your restaurant man/woman […]

    3. […] The next time you read or see someone living the life, doing the thing that instantly pulls you to feel that twinge of jealousy or a feeling of “Must be nice”, recognize what is really going on is a signalling inside of your own DESIRES. A good indicator of the direction YOU want to be going in as well. Instead of it leaving you feel lack… let it fill your database with information to chew on and strive to accomplish yourself! *I mean, one of the key VALUES in a thriving restaurant relationship is ACHIEVEMENT.  […]