Dont listen to what they say, in your case, opposites attract. Value Number Two – BALANCE

February 11, 2012 in Life, VALUES

See-Saw by Tomáš Beránek

 

Here we are again… week two.

FIRST.. So, what did you think? Is INDEPENDENCE something that is high on your VALUES list? Apparently it is for quite a few of you because the FREE call on March 1st is starting to fill up! Let’s keep it going, shall we?

I don’t think you understand how much I want you to GET this as a way of NO LONGER feeling like something is wrong with you or your relationship.

Today we’re talking about what I listed as the second most important VALUE is in a thriving restaurant relationship. It’s something that without… can cause great frustration and resentment to build. Actually… it leaves us mostly feeling alone and doubting ourselves. And for good reason. Why? Because…

You’ve most likely heard that having ‘common or mutual interests’ is a sign of a lasting relationship, right?

Maybe in 9-5’r relationships, do having many things in common come in handy. You’re with each other more, you leave for work at the same time, come home at the same time and go grocery shopping at the same time too. You also have weekends together and can visit your family in one car, most likely. You’ve probably heard (which is why it’s hard to figure out if this relationship works in the beginning) that “Mutual Interests” make a strong relationship.

I remember in the beginning, I believed that too. I really doubted the long lasting-ness of my relationship with my then chef boyfriend because we didn’t have much in common. Oh my gosh, I used to be out to dinner with him (most likely late at night) and would initiate an argument because I thought we had nothing in common (besides food, and I’m not a Foodie). I found myself comparing my relationship to friends in 9-5’r relationships.. and thought that because my boyfriend isn’t available to go to the movies with me on a Friday nite… that that MUST mean that we don’t have anything in common and that HAS to mean this isn’t going to work.

SOUND FAMILIAR? *Ten bucks says it does.

Well, in this type of relationship… it’s USUALLY the things that make you opposite of your restaurant man/woman that brings you BALANCE. Whether we know it or like it or not. (Most likely you don’t even know this… YET.)

Once you are safely rooted in your INDEPENDENCE, can you see these opposites as something of VALUE. Not something that MUST mean that you are not on secure ground.

*Whenever you read/hear/are told that you have to have “Common Interests” in order to have a lasting relationship… I give you PERMISSION to say (out loud too) “Eh, that might be the case for 9-5’r relationships but not in my relationship with my chef/bartender/GM/Sommelier/owner/etc…”

(and then proceed to smile)

It’s not the same. It’s just not.

I’m going to give you two examples… to show you two opposites that my chef husband and I have that if I didn’t understand how they bring us BALANCE.. they would both drive me NUTS. But don’t because I’ve come to understand my values. (okay I’ll admit it, I still have my moments but then I remember they are a part of what I VALUE – and I feel better in a MUCH shorter time than before)

1. BOOK SMART (me) vs. STREET SMART (him) – Case in point… on our 2nd,week long annivizaversary vacation to the beach (I know, I’m lucky), I was SO looking forward to sitting down with a 500 page book, investing intervals of quiet time to just ‘be’ in silence and read. NOPE. It drove him CRAZY that I just wanted to sit quietly, so he was always out on his motorcycle, exploring, which made him very happy. Another example is he is NOT computer savvy much at all… I am sure the management at his company has to know when I’m helping type out and paraphrase something that he wants to say in an evaluation or his quarterly initiatives.

On the other hand…if something with my car, or in the house, brakes down…I would be the one calling a tow to get it fixed but not my husband. He’s outside with the hood up for hours trying to figure out how to fix it, and usually does. Another example… I’m not ashamed to say that I am a HUGE chicken when it comes to driving in the snow, to the contrary, he LOVES it. He should seriously teach classes about how to drive in it. He always wants to take me to an abandoned parking lot in the snow and have me slide around to learn. (To which I say, NO thanks.)

2. I’m a PLANNER and he is SPONTANEOUS – about just about EVERYTHING. Money, plans for the future, what we’re eating tomorrow, etc… People ask me “Well what do you think you’re husband thinks about that (something in the future) and I say “Honestly, I don’t know. When I talk to him in the moment, he seems fine with it.” but I gotta catch him in the moment. *He’s kinda like a dog that way. Shh, don’t tell him I said that. Whereas, I have a VERY hard time being in the moment. Emphasis on VERY.

That’s the thing… his spontaneity I NEED in order to bring me BALANCE. Could you imagine if I was with another planner? (daydreaming….. er, uh, no.) I mean, it would be fun for some time but I think it wouldn’t challenge me to grow. When he calls me at 10pm on a Saturday nite, and I’m in my pj’s, set to stay in for the night and he asks if I want to go out for a beer (which means HE goes out for a beer, I just chat with him and watch him unwind) my initial thought is “ARE YOU CRAZY? It’s 10pm!” but I’ve learned to be a bit more open to those spontaneous moments because of him.

TRUST ME… I can go on.

Maybe it’s not these two examples above.. maybe it’s “I’m an early bird, and he’s a night owl.” (we have that going on too)… WHO KNOWS… but whatever IT is that you find your opposite on.. is MOST LIKELY what brings you two BALANCE and that, my friends is a very important thing to know and to VALUE.

Remember that paper from last time? Hopefully they have the answers to whether you VALUE your independence on them. Go get it and ask yourself this:

  • Because I am a ________________________, and he/she is a _________________________, he/she pushes me to enhance the parts of myself that I would not usually be comfortable with.
  • T/F -When I recognize that my other half is different from me, we usually have more fun and enjoy each others company more.
  • Three benefits I get from my other half NOT being just like me… 1. _______________ 2. ________________ 3. _____________
  • T/F – I see us growing closer because of the things that make us different.

AFFIRMATION: I now embrace our differences as a way of bringing BALANCE to our relationship.

  • AGAIN – let me say… YOU are NOT in a typical type of relationship. It does not have the same rules. If you attempt to follow the rules of those in the SAME type of relationship… you will find that you see what is in YOUR relationship is not working. LIBERATE yourself from thinking it’s the same and REFRAME your experiences to include understanding that it’s your differences that bring you BALANCE.  That is a strong VALUE that will help you thrive in your restaurant relationship.

Please tell me what your thinking… It’s SO important to me that you understand this. Leave a comment below… even if it’s a frustration, I want to know. (*If you’re reading this from FACEBOOK, please do me a humungous favor and leave a comment here vs. on Facebook. Thanks!)

AND FINALLY….

Join us for the FREE CALL, Thursday March 8th at 8pm EST to discuss all these lovely VALUES with me (and the 100+ other Values I’m going to send you before our call) and your fellow significant others who I BET… are feeling exactly the same way you are. Whatever you’re feeling…lets talk about it! Sign up below to join the group!

JOIN US – FREE CALL! Understanding what you VALUE – Thursday, March 8th 8pm EST

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Dont listen to what they say, in your case, opposites attract. Value Number Two – BALANCE

8 Comments

    1. Shannon says:

      I’ve never thought about it this way and everything you’ve written really resonates. I had just decided that the differences were awesome for us, but it’s true they totally give us balance. Thanks for this post!

      • Hey Shannon! I’m so glad this resonates! I’ve noticed that when we become conscious of what it is that makes our relationships work, we begin to ease in the feeling that we are somehow at the whim of this industry and that there is nothing we can do about it! I’m so glad you joined us!

    2. Caryn says:

      My chef and I have been married for 27 years. One secret to that success is what you brought to light – balance created by our differences. I have felt it and thought that together we make one great person. I do feel like the other side of that seesaw, balancing my man’s personality with my own. It works for us. I like what you said about the rules being completely different for our lives. I mentioned a pretty great company trip my husband will be taking this year with other chefs in the company he works for and this person was emphatic that I join in the trip. I couldn’t seem to explain that an F&B trip is NOT a vacation with room for wives. It’s a working trip as full as a typical day in the biz. But then, they don’t understand why my chef would WANT to work as hard as he does. I do understand, which is part of why I’m his wife. I balance him and he balances me. Makes an even seesaw.

      • Wow Caryn, 27 years. I bow down to you! Just saying off the bat that if you EVER want to write a guest post sharing what the secrets to long lasting marriage with a chef.. I would LOVE to give you the floor! I’m so glad I’m onto one of the secrets – BALANCE! I LOVE it – TOGETHER we make one great person! Correct me if I’m wrong but it seems like that balance is something we’re always working on. When life changes… it’s easy to quickly become off balanced and it takes a fair amount of dedication and focus to always be aware what the balance is.

        Part of that balance is remembering that the rules of “regular” relationships most likely do not apply to us.

        If you read the letter/blog post I wrote yesterday.. I feel pretty confident that those that have NO idea… will continue to have no idea. Doesn’t surprise me that he/she thought you should go on the trip. It’s up to us to school them. It’s my plight (and my obsession) that I help with that!

        Amen to an even seesaw!

        • Caryn says:

          I appreciate your offer to guest post and I’ll take you up on it! But I’m not an expert, it will just be about how we’ve managed.(Sorry for the delay in responding – I sometimes tune out the electronic world).

          • Hey Caryn… WONDERFUL! I totally understand that it will be your perspective… as someone with years of experience, I know you can provide some respite for those just starting out! *raises hand! My email is kerilyn@marriedtoachef.com, whenever you’ve got it ready to go, email me your guest post, a photo of you and a short 2-3 sentence bio. Look forward to sharing it with our fellow Significant Others!

    3. Erica says:

      Hi Shannon,

      Your post does make sense to me- in that now that we have been married for 6 years and together for 13, with a 3 year old, I now find myself the “other” half. The one who plans, is grounded, takes care of the details, helps with the computer issues (that one made me laugh, I always wonder if his management ever wonders who is actually writing that stuff!). But what I have been struggling with lately is feeling obligated to make up the other half of our relationship out of necessity. Sometimes being the one who plans, manages and stays grounded can feel stifling. Sometimes I wish I could be the spontaneous free spirit for once, but there’s just not room for two in a marriage, with children. I used to have those qualities, but have been forced to stifle them for the most part in order to maintain our balance. Those qualities are what attracted me to him so long ago- being a passionate person, following your dreams. I have found that when I force myself to take time for myself and pursue something totally indulgent or creative, it helps me feel a bit more connected to my passions. The only difference is, I have to PLAN it for myself, and have no one supporting me while I do these things. I have to make sure everything is in place and everyone is taken care of before I allow myself a bit of wanderlust. It’s hard not to feel resentful that no one else is being the stable grounded one that will reel me back in or hold down the fort in order for me to be a bit more passionate in my own rite. It sucks that is has to be one or the other, so my husband and I are now trying to make each other a bit more balanced so we can both be a little more grounded, and a little more free to be.

      • Hey Erica, Thanks for you comment! I’m so glad you could relate to what it means to have balance! *I’m so glad I’m not the only one who can relate to doing the typing for my man! Thank you for that!

        Firstly, congratulations that you’re owning up to your feelings of being resentful. Seriously. Takes a STRONG person to recognize what’s really going on. Let me tell ya.. resentment it’s SOOOO COMMON! It becomes almost an automatic response within us to end up carrying the concerns of our restaurant men/women, our children, AND ourselves. Because we are strong, independent women (and those silent men in this type of relationship, I know you’re out there!) who also value ACHIEVEMENT (whether it be in our careers or feeling like we’re achieveing in our relationship) It’s SO easy to want to DO… want to HANDLE it all. It’s SO easy to let resentment fester to a level where we do not hear or see ANYTHING ELSE. So so common. Please know you are NOT alone.

        If I may… my suggestion is to get to the ROOT of what is causing that resentment. What message are you telling yourself when you feel that resentment. (If I were to GUESS, it has to do with EMBODING being what a “Free Spirit” means.) Write it down. It’s a good place to start when you’re ready to take action and by taking action I mean to SLOWLY “back out” of the thought that we HAVE to handle everything. I can go on and on here (being a chatty Cathy by nature) – I’m here if you ever want to work on it together. 🙂

        ~Kerilyn

    4. […] hard to continually find the right ingredients (Sacred time, time alone,etc) that brings BALANCE to the […]

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Dont listen to what they say, in your case, opposites attract. Value Number Two – BALANCE

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