The one thing I was missing…

January 23, 2012 in Life

from Jen at Bits of Truth

Let’s flash back in time, shall we?

Back when my now chef husband was my new chef boyfriend… I was pretty sure we didn’t have what it was going to take to ‘make’ it in our relationship.


I wasn’t sure if I had the strength to deal with the late nights… long hours… doing things by myself … the semi-occasional drunk evening (on his part, see more about that here) .

I also didn’t know if he was ever going to be ready to “settle down” the way I envisioned what settling down looked like. (Putting me higher up on the priority list (or so I thought), wanting to spend his days off with me, choosing not to go out drinking and instead spend time with the 9-5 girlfriend in the evenings knowing that she goes to bed early and gets up early,etc…)

At the time he was a sous chef, working incredible hours and then, most nights… heading out to the bar afterward. That was his life, and I was the naggy one who always got in the way of that.

Did I love him? YES. Did he love me? YES.

That wasn’t the issue.

It wasn’t until we broke up (for the umpteenh time), and I ended up dating someone else for three years …(read more about that here) until I ended up getting back together with him that I finally, after TEN years, understood what IT was that I was missing when we first started dating. (And it just kinda *hit* me by default, due to the ending of the relationship I was in.)

It’s a main reason why I created this website and why I became a life coach.

If I were granted ONE WISH for my big idea here at Married to a Chef…it would be that you too, would *get* this, and make it a part of your life.

Once I understood what IT was…I knew that I had what it took in this type of relationship and even more than that.. it was understanding this one thing that made me know that I was with the right person for me and that I was ready to get married. (Again, I didn’t *get* this at first, It took me years of trial and error.)

I’ve mentioned it a few times before but now it’s time for us to start really shifting gears here.


Because this website is about and for YOU, ya hear me, YOU!


I know you are.

I FINALLY understood my VALUES and the values my relationship had.

You might be thinking… HUH? ‘What the heck does that mean? Understood my values?’

It means… When I understood those attributes that make me tick, makes US tick…makes me feel at peace with myself and my husband, a birds eye view of ‘US’, as it were…I knew I could thrive in this relationship and so could he.

It is SO easy to become lost in not understanding what’s going on around us when we don’t understand what we VALUE. For instance, it’s SO easy to get caught up with our restaurant man/womans career and passions, that we totally forget what WE bring to the table. (It makes SO much sense to me, why that happens – a subject we’ll discuss in a bit, keep reading.) We put their schedule, their path, their passions above our own. In doing that, we feel lost, alone… thinking “What’s wrong with me? us? him/her? ”

Nothings wrong with you… you just don’t understand what you VALUE.

It’s like a virtual light goes on in our lives and in our relationships when we begin to understand. It’s something that I’ve been sensing… is an important part missing in a lot of restaurant relationships. Until we GET this… we’ll still feel like something is missing or not quite right. (BOLD statement, I know… but I KNOW it’s worth the risk.)

Before we go on, I think it’s important to talk about what values ARE:

“Your VALUES are the understandings and preferences that you believe are important in the way you live your life. They (usually) determine your priorities, and, deep down, are usually a good indicator to tell if your life is turning out the way you want it to. When the things that you do and the actions you take match your values, life is usually good – you’re satisfied and content. But when these don’t align with your values, that’s when things feel… OFF. This can be a real source of unhappiness. ” -Team Mind Tools

Most of us dive in without first really knowing what makes us feel comforted, secure, motivated… happy, so we look to our other half to give us that and when they don’t provide.. we feel a lack. Which causes resentment. (Remember Resentment?)

It takes some awareness, but once we know what kind of things we hold dear… it becomes easier to see what we can focus on or what to let go of. Understanding our values leaves us no longer thinking “I can’t see where I’m going!” and instead shines the way.

Over the next five weeks… I’m going to be focusing on five (5) different VALUES and how they relate to being in a LONG TERM relationship with someone in the restaurant industry. In truth, there are dozens (probably hundreds) of different values, because everyone is different. No one person or relationship have the same values.

I chose these five because they are what I discovered about myself and my relationship, and you might find them applicable to yourself as well. I will share some questions to ask yourself when considering if these values ring true for you and your man/woman and an exercise that will help you put these values to use in your everyday life! These (5) values are:

  • Independence
  • Balance
  • Achievement
  • Strength
  • Dynamism

At the end of five (5) weeks, I will be holding a FREE CALL to discuss values more in depth, to answer your questions you have about what you’ve discovered (I’ll also share my OWN take on why it’s SO easy to lose sight of what WE bring to the table!)

The FREE, one hour call will be held on:

Thursday, March 8th at 8pm EST/5pm PST

***Put it on your calendar NOW!***

JOIN US – FREE CALL! Understanding what you VALUE – Thursday, March 8th 8pm EST

* indicates required


Once you sign up, on the day of the call, I’ll also be sending you a SCHNAZZY list of 100 other values so you have more options to choose from if these five don’t speak to you, that you can print out and use for your own discovery.

FINALLY – I will be discussing an opportunity I’m offering to access what your OWN values are, to pinpoint where, in your life your values are showing up and how you can use knowing them to make decisions about how to live your life.

So until next week where we will talk about our first value (personally, I think it’s THEE value most other halves have in common, hence I want to talk about it first!) – INDEPENDENCE!!

The one thing I was missing…


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