Telling you my story, breaking the block and feeling the fear and doing it anyway (PART TWO)

October 18, 2011 in Everybody Else, Expectations, Fears, Life

From Jen at Bits of Truth

Okay, where was I?

oh yea… I was missing ME. (This ended up being a LONG post (If you haven’t figured out yet, I’m a chatty Cathy); Please bear with me, what I want to share is at the end, Thanks.)

Without going into too much detail, Here I am… now in a relationship with a fellow 9-5’r, someone who is available after work and on weekends and interested in doing fun things and I was TOTALLY surprised (and sad) to eventually find that instead of thriving and enjoying where I was…I found myself totally losing ME.

It took a little while (well over a year) for the excitement of his availability to wear off, but after a while, I realized that I totally missed having the time to myself. I missed hanging out with my girlfriends, having an evening to myself to watch whatever TV shows I WANTED, working on my OWN dreams (I also make greeting cards as an exercise in staying creative). I missed not feeling guilty when I DID go out, knowing that my other half was not waiting for me at home.

I won’t lie… I really cared about this 9 to 5’r guy. Loved him in fact. But what he had in physical availability he TOTALLY lacked in emotional availability and after a while I was like SO many other women saying “I would rather be alone, than lonely.” (*I want to give some serious props to Natalie over at Baggage Reclaim for her words of wisdom about Emotionally Unavailable men, I could not have gotten thru that without you! ) It was like EVERYTHING I had with the chef, I didn’t have with this guy, and after a while of missing having the time to do my OWN thing, my friends… missing being with someone who could share his feelings and wanted to be with me. **I mean the chef always told me he KNEW we were meant to be together!

It hit me…

like a ton of bricks one day, lying in my bed, thinking about what the chef is doing and if he ever thinks about me.

That what I always thought was a WEAKNESS (not being able to deal with his odd hours/schedule/tendencies) was actually a STRENGTH (being fiercely independent and driven to never give up) and in that moment I understood my VALUE.

In that moment I craved my INDEPENDENCE back, and I could see how what I thought was LACK (time by myself = not a NORMAL relationship) was really a BLESSING (Time do work on my OWN dreams, do my OWN thang!)

Almost that very instant things started to change for me. Within one WEEK of that revelation, I had reconnected with the chef, broken up with the 9-5’r and just KNEW that I had gained SO much insight from this experience. Two months later, the chef and I were engaged and I KNEW that I was where I was supposed to be. (If you read the post story, you’ll know it wasn’t as easy as 1,2,3 but like I said… a ‘Jerry Springer’ episode. On top of that, breaking up with anyone you’ve been with for three years is never easy)

Fast forward to today, We just celebrated our two year wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. I can say that I still feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I know that the fact that I can be TOTALLY myself (driven, independent, sensitive (emotional), creative, compassionate, a planner and a passionate dreamer) completely balance out with who he is and the ins and outs of his career. I LOVE that he loves what he does, that he is good at it and that I get to reap the benefits that I almost missed out on, if I hadn’t attempted to figure out if I had what it took. On top of that, they absolutely outweigh the things that inevitably SUCK being with someone in the industry.

You know…

  • His wanting to completely vedge out or play when he’s not working (which means the house is NOT his priority)
  • NEVER getting to talk to my husband while he is at work (The way we communicate is via text – Sound familiar?)
  • Missing him when I see other couples going for a walk down the street after work, or going out on a Friday nite, wishing I could do the same thing.

And when, in those moments when I can’t deal. I now have YOU to go to, to lean on, and to commiserate with, which is why I really wanted to create this space for us in the first place!

Okay now for the kicker…

*Here is where I share my own fears and insecurities.

JUST because I now understand my value, that I am a Highly Sensitive Person who needs chunks of time by myself, that the time that we do spend together is sacred, that my strength (being a planner) is his weakness (not thinking ahead) and his strength (being spontaneous) is my weakness (over thinking EVERYTHING). That we love each other very much and feel like we are EXACTLY where we are meant to be…

DOESN’T MEAN THAT WE HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT.

*nope. not in the least.

I still have my moments when leaving late Saturday nite for a 24 hour jaunt to New Jersey to visit his family SUCKS and when I have to move holiday celebrations to a day when he’s off. When I’m in my pj’s on a Saturday nite, and LIKE CLOCKWORK, he’ll call me at 9:30pm to say he’s getting off in 30 minutes and wants to see if I want to go get a beer. (again, NOT a night person but sometimes I suck it up and go.) *He usually works mid-shift now so he’s not working till 1-3am much anymore, but still works at LEAST a 10-12 hour day.

(oh yea, I still don’t have a date for New Years Eve/my birthday. You’ll inevitably find me, at some point, checking in at his restaurant that nite, to say Happy New Year and Happy Birthday. I have learned to bring the party to him, so I can at least be there when the clock strikes 12 but it would still be nice to party like it’s 1999 somewhere ELSE!)

I don’t have it all figured out.

I became a Life Coach to help fulfill my OWN dream of helping others. I know being a coach is what I’m supposed to be doing with my life and HOW AWESOME is it that I can help others who have been or still are in the same boat I am. (Honestly, I am able to coach anyone, but have chosen YOU, my beloved significant others as my focus, because I feel SO driven to help YOU understand your worth) Yea, I might not deal with him being out, drinking till 3am much anymore but I understand how confusing and frustrating it is not to know if you have what it takes to sustain this relationship.

Being a coach means that I hold YOUR agenda. NOT that I share with you my own. When I’m speaking to my clients, I focus for however long we’re together SOLELY on where THEY are and what it’s going to take to move THEM forward (then I hold them accountable to what it’s going to take to move forward). Being able to help them do that, to understand their worth DOES NOT AT ALL mean that I think I am somehow an expert at being married to a chef and that I should be considered as such.

What I know is the coaching process, NOT what you should do with your life.  I ABSOLUTELY believe that YOU know what you should do with your life, it’s just a matter of excavating through the layers of limiting beliefs and fears around who you REALLY are inside. (kinda like I mention on my philosophy behind my coaching practice called Permission Granted Coaching ) That’s where I come in. Already, my clients are feeling heard, and are moving forward and that is all I’ve EVER wanted for them or myself.

Do I want to see the full manifestation of my OWN dream to be a full time coach and thriving entrepreneur? YES. Does this mean that part of this website is my business? Yes. Is part of that business about finding those who want to become my paying clients or participate in future events/e-courses,etc? Yes. There’s the kicker – I want this to be a win win for BOTH of us.

Besides having a full schedule of clients, I have other dreams for you and me and this website. What I want MOST OF ALL is to be able to coordinate get togethers with you where YOU are, and share a space with you so you know you’re not alone. I want to travel to see YOU. I want to coordinate a yearly global gathering for us, where we ALL get together one weekend to celebrate our strength, and our ability to help each other move forward. Of course it would also be fun to introduce you to wifes and husbands of celebrity chefs, to see what it’s like for them, being in the spotlight.  Those are MY dreams and being with someone in this industry ALLOWS me the time to focus on these dreams, one by one.

Makes me wonder…WHAT ARE YOUR DREAMS AND WHAT WOULD IT TAKE TO USE THE INS AND OUTS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP  TO MAKE THEM COME TRUE?

okay SO….Why was that so hard to say?

Good question.

Writing a blog means sharing our experience, our wisdom…basically our thoughts. In that sharing, finding solutions to the things that we all are facing would be a good purpose for sharing such experience.  I have been struggling with the thought that although I may be sharing my thoughts (and in doing that offering suggestions), that I will, in turn, be sharing my OWN agenda and will be viewed in one of two ways:

  1. That I am COMPLETELY wrong and I have no idea what the heck I’m talking about. (kinda a “who does SHE think she is telling ME what to do, she’s not been thru what I have!”) or
  2. That I am TOTALLY right on and somehow have the answers to all the problems. (uh, yea no.)

I personally think it’s interesting how it’s either one or the other, but isn’t that how we all usually operate? I’ve already experienced both of these responses since launching this website and I have been feeling at a loss as to how to face this.

So under the phrase “When you don’t know what to do… do nothing”. I’ve just sat still. I’ve let this fear to slow me down and what I want for this site.

But all along, my underlying desire was to connect with you all. To create a resource for people who are in the same place I was, less than ten years ago, and are really struggling to understand what their doing in their relationships. I’m attempting to create what I needed all those years ago. In order to do that, I knew I had to push past this fear that I would be seen as if I know NOTHING that I speak of or that somehow, I was an expert.

So for the record, it’s important I share this with you:

1. I do NOT have it all figured out. I am still learning about what does and does not work for me and my restaurant relationship.
2. Just because I’m sharing my thoughts / feelings /experiences/suggestions, does NOT mean that I think I know better than you.

*ahh, I feel better already.

Going forward, I graciously ask you to remember what I’m sharing now when I write. I have so much I want to share, but I am sincere in my intentions and want nothing more than for you to find something that will help you find your worth. *and maybe get a laugh would be a bonus.

It took a LONG time for my husband, Peter, and I to get to where we are today, and hey, we’re STILL evolving! We don’t have children yet, and from what I hear from many of you, it can VERY challenging being the SOLE caretaker while dealing with the fact that their always at the restaurant (I keep hearing that it’s like being a single parent and that’s scaring me a bit). It brings me peace to know there are SO MANY of you I can lean on when/if that time comes.

At the same time, what I DO know is that this is NOT a usual type of relationship. It has a different set of parameters and most people have NO idea what it’s really like. I almost obsessed to understand what kind of person I am at my core that thrives in this type of relationship. Understanding who we really are at our core, I believe, helps us feel rooted to where we are in our surroundings,and therefore,  in our relationships. Sometimes it helps having someone hold our hand as we seek to gain that understanding. A presence, telling you you’re not alone, that you CAN do it and that you are STRONG.

It is my purpose, my calling ,to be that person, when and if you ever find yourself wondering if you have what it takes to make it in this type of relationship. Not as someone who knows more than you, but someone who wants you to feel PROUD that you CHOSE to be with someone who is also driven, passionate (almost obsessed) and BONUS….whose plight is to make others lives more delicious.

*THANK YOU for allowing me to share.

Didn’t read Part ONE yet? That’s okay… here it is.

Telling you my story, breaking the block and feeling the fear and doing it anyway (PART TWO)

9 Comments

    1. Sandi Amorim says:

      Really, effin’ brilliant! Even though my husband’s not in the industry, he’s also not a 9-5er and I so got this post. I’ve been there and felt almost everything you wrote of so honestly.

      As a 10yr veteran of coaching, I thought I had a lot of this figured out but when faced with his schedule, the hours, no weekends off together and never any time off at Christmas I floundered. I ran the gamut of emotions and now, two years into our marriage I can say we’ve progressed!

      Really truly related and loved this post. Thanks for sharing so honestly.

      • Thanks Sandi. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. It’s so good to know that as a fellow coach and someone whose married to someone who works different hours, you too.. know the limiting beliefs and blocks we inevitably face. ~with gratitude~

    2. Yeah. That took a crapload of ovarian fortitude. BRAVA, honey. We’re all of us doing the very best we can, most of us (most of the time). Once I wrapped my brain around that, my heart quickly followed and compassion exploded everywhere. A beautiful mess, to be sure. 🙂 Keep rocking it.

    3. First of all – I love reading your writings! No, really! I usually just skim over blog posts that might seem a little interesting but with yours, I actually read. And I’m glad too, because I am very soothed by your words. You have a very nurturing, supportive down-to-earth way about you that inspires a certain serenity and optimism. It’s like a grounding gentle reality check… which is probably what makes you amazing at what you do.

      And holy moly what a really great point about chunks of free time! (Though with children I rarely get that “free” part.)

      I heart you. ;D

      • Hey Angie! Oh my goodness, I’m SO glad you enjoy my ramblings (For the record, I am absolutely aware that I tend to go on and on! Ha!) Thank you for your wonderful words. I think, if I were to be honest, what you’re reading is me really coming into what my calling is, I feel SO passionately about helping others find their voice. To be heard and be seen. Being able to help them move forward. It is my MISSION to arrange a get together out in the Seattle area, so I can meet you and have your local other halves get together so you can lean on each other when the time comes!

        *I hear that about the chunks of NEVER having free time having children. GOD BLESS YOU for all that you do! Being a mama is a full time job!

        You’ve just made my day. In humble gratitude.

    4. Alli says:

      These last two posts have left my heart singing! I am dating a chef de cuisine (10 months) and we are so very much in love. I am a 9-5er and, like all of us, have struggled with his schedule at times. But (like you so elegantly wrote) my chef is the most emotionally available man I have ever dated. He leaves me with enough warmth on our one shared day together to get me through the whole week. That being said, we also work hard to communicate, and to make sure both of our needs are met.
      Reading your posts has made me feel so good because I am now more secure in knowing that my chef and I are headed in the right direction! Thank you for starting this website that provides so much support 🙂

      • Hiya Alli! I’m SO glad! *Insert doing a happy dance! Part of my sharing is to give those, like YOU, the evidence of the confusing times so you can better navigate through them, to the understanding of that you DO have what it takes! And hey… for SO MANY others, the parameters of this relationship is not something that they want to handle… THATS OKAY TOO! It is my mission (and my obsession) to give us the tools and the information so going forward, noone has to feel alone, ever again! Congratulations on your journey!

    5. Ginger says:

      Thank you SO much for sharing your story. I can relate to so many aspects of it. My husband and I met when we were 17. At that point the late shifts and 2am rendez-vus were an adventure (luckily I am a nighthawk). The week after we got married he got a job at a casino and for the next 14 years worked either graveyard shift or 2pm-2am. Those late evenings weren’t so fun when I became a “married-single mom.” Celebrating holidays “alone” is disappointing enough pre-children but was truly heartbreaking when our children started to understand. At 8 years old my son said “I don’t ever want to become a chef. I actually want to see my kids when I am a dad.” We recently moved 1500 km away from all of our family and friends. A major deciding factor was my husband getting Sundays and Mondays off so we had a full family day (it had always been Tuesday and Wednesday so he had 1/2 hour with the kids in the morning and 2 evening a week to spend with them). He is now working “day shift” which is usually 8am-8pm give or take – on a good day. We have NO idea how to spend our evenings together though. It had never been a possibility. At this point we sit on opposite ends of the couch ignoring each other. It’s a comfortable silence but still….adult conversation after the kids bedtime seems to be beyond my comprehension. I do “have what it takes” though. We’ve been together for 20 years now, happily married for 16 and you’re right, the pros outweigh the cons.
      I am putting this site on my favourites list. Thanks again.

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Telling you my story, breaking the block and feeling the fear and doing it anyway (PART TWO)

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