Resentment: Part Deux!!

May 7, 2011 in Life, Relationships

Beauty of the Arguement by Eweliyi

Okay so…. How’s it going? How successful have you been in catching yourself IN THE MOMENT when you are feeling resentment with your restaurant man or woman?

(HOPEFULLY YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT LOOKING LIKE THIS PICTURE.. BUT THEN AGAIN – MAYBE IT IS.) either way, it’s okay.

To recap, when we are feeling resentful about our restaurant man or woman not being available, attentive or present in our relationship; we tell ourselves a message, it usually sounds a bit like:

  • “Why do I have the be the one that does everything (around the house/with the kids/with the finances)… I swear he thinks his job is just TOO important to help out”
  • “Why does she think that she’ll automatically get a ‘pass’ from keeping up their end of the relationship because they work longer hours, doesn’t he/she see how hard I work too?”
  • “He’s the chef… why is he asking ME to cook for him on his day off?”

Oh yea, I know at one point or another (or everyday)  you’ve said something like this to yourself, your sister or your best friend.  (perhaps even, a random stranger you sit next to on the bus?)

Trust me, we’ve ALL been there. Every single one of us.  More on this in Part II. Keep reading.

Follow me, that message you tell yourself has a root (picture a flower in the ground) the message is the stem.. and the root is where the stem (I mean the message) comes from. It grows from an experience (or story) you’ve had that threw you off, had you scratching your head,  shedding a tear, or even worse… on the ground with a scraped knee. The scar from that experience (or root) is what FEEDS your stem (the message you tell yourself) to produce your current experience (the petals, pollen and all!).

How’s your petals looking these days? In full bloom or wilting over with sadness and loneliness and resentment? The trick is to figure out…

    WHERE did that root story/experience come from?

    I know.. it’s not ‘easy’ to do. The story (or the root) has you feeling scared, and is most likely tender to the touch. Just the thought of where it is, has you in system shutdown mode. And, when you DO get to a place where you are comfortable searching for it, or your feeling like it’s healed enough to touch it, LIFE changes and you’ve got more evidence that will create another message. After a while, you have quite a few messages going on at one time, that it’s challenging to figure out how to just “GET HAPPY”. I mean, HOW did this even happen?  Right?

Whether you’re Married to a Chef/Owner/Bartender, or a fellow 9-5’r… these feelings are the same. We ALL had these experiences that created a message that feeds our current experience.

WHAT would happen if I told you that the sooner you understood where the root story comes from, where these messages you instantly tell yourself, come from, that you could unlock some of the resentment that has you spinning. With a little decoding.. you could soon understand WHY your feelings of resentment run SO DEEP.  (Answer: because they’re not just happening NOW, in the present, but these feelings are triggering you to re-experience the ROOT of where this feeling began. I know, it’s mind blowing to me as well.)

    Here’s where Part II comes in. Ya ready?

    Part two is merely to GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK, WILL YA?

    Yep, Part two is YOU giving yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. IT’S OKAY! You are not some hunchback monster because you’re feeling this way – HARDLY! It’s part of life.  (I have to laugh because what I’m writing about.. is something that I need to work on as well. Remember, might be a Life Coach but doesn’t mean I have it all figured out! nope.)

    I mean let me ask you something… and let’s get REAL.

    WHO do you know.. when you really got down to it… Didn’t have something they struggled with?

    I don’t have to dig deep into this question to know the answer. EVERYONE has something their dealing with right now. Why? Because it’s PART of this over the shoulder boulder holder thing we called LIFE.

    I would venture to say that almost 1/3 of your resentment is the fact that you DON’T UNDERSTAND why you’re always feeling this way!! IT’S OKAY, YOU HEAR ME? It’s okay that you don’t have it figured out, that you are feeling angry and wanting to spit every time your boyfriend or girlfriend throws their chef clothes on the floor that YOU just cleaned! It’s OKAY that you need to give yourself a Time Out when you find yourself with the chore of doing the dishes again (I mean I am not the official dishwasher!) It’s OKAY!!  Take that time out!

Give yourself PERMISSION to feel angry. I know it goes against everything your mama told you about being a “good girl” or being “proper”. Still.  Let me ask you, is being either one of those things going to magically make your feeling resentful go away? NO.

What would it take to just give yourself a BREAK for once, huh?

I know it’s hard to give yourself permission to feel the way you’re feeling… no WONDER why we’re feeling so angry and so much resentment.. part of us is fighting OURSELVES! Fighting to ‘keep it together well enough to appear what I personally think is the TRUE root of ALL of this… NORMAL.” (rolling eyes)

So tell me, what can you do that will give yourself a break? Going for a walk, hitting a Zumba class, singing at the top of your lungs, cleaning your house, ironing your clothes, getting a massage? writing in your journal/on your blog? Whatever it is.. DO IT. You’re not crazy for feeling this way. It doesn’t mean your a bad girlfriend or wife…

    So until next time, GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to feel how you’re feeling. Your only assignment is to take yourself OFF the hook. When you’re up to it… work on figuring out where the ROOT STORY comes from and how that story FEEDS the message you tell yourself when you are feeling like a red zone case. And until then… GIVE YOURSELF A FREE PASS.

I give you permission to sit on the couch, DON’T do the dishes, and stew until you don’t feel that way anymore….Now will you?

Resentment: Part Deux!!

2 Comments

    1. Laura Fontanals says:

      Inevitably you must come to a time when you realize you don’t want to feel angry anymore. When you bring up an issue and he gets angry the fact that there’s an issue rather than discussing and dealing with it. Then what swamee? OK, so that was a litle bitter. A state I hoped to avoid as an adult. But I haven’t worked bcause his hours are of course ridiculous and I come from F&B also so the only real money making I could make without being as committed as he, is at night. No good with 2 kids unless we were in really bad shape financially. So I realize what you are saying as far as stop, take a breath, take a break, regroup and go on. But after the pattern repeats a few hundred times, it gets old. Then what?

      • Swamee huh? 🙂 Don’t I wish! (good one though!) Sounds like your unconsidered feelings has been a constant ingredient, leaving you feeling that anger (maybe where some of the bitter comes from?) and without a next step. Makes perfect sense that anyone who has experienced feeling like they don’t have a voice would feel EXACTLY as you do, stuck. There are many of us Significant Others that feel exactly as you do.

        What a blessing that you are able to be home with your children! How wonderful that they get the benefit of being cared for by the the number one person in their life!

        Question for ya… If you were baking a cake and the recipe you followed always ended up with your cake being flat or tasteless, How many times would you try that recipe before you realize something in your recipe needed to be adjusted? Let me know by emailing me at blog@marriedtoachef.com

    2. […] my poll I took early on, this is the NUMBER ONE thing most significant others feel. See here and here. (Whether they keep it to themselves or share it is another […]

    3. […] restaurant relationship. It’s something that without… can cause great frustration and resentment to build. Actually… it leaves us mostly feeling alone and doubting ourselves. And for good […]

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